[WiP] The Exile (Posted 03/05/2021)

Hello! My name’s Pheo and I’m currently working on a game called The Exile, which takes place in the realm of Navera, a world divided by the Times of Old and New. Remnants of The Old World, mages and mythosi, are feared just as much are they’re adored, possessing the otherworldly magic that was only alive before the time of humans.

This is the alpha demo, so it’s still in early development, which means it’s by no means polished or as detailed as I’d like it to be, but is easy to edit and modify as needed!

Summary

You’re the ex-commander of the Kingdom of Plaithus, and your name is known by all. It used to be whispered in fear by your enemies, and the very mention of it could send men fleeing. Your people had cried it out in battle, swords raised in your honor as they faced death fearlessly. You were a hero, and to some, a legend.

Until you weren’t.

You can’t remember what happened. All that’s left are blurry faces, screams, and the feeling of blood on your hands. The only reason you still have your head is because of the pity of an old friend.

And now? It’s only been a year since the incident, and already things are going wrong again when a rather peculiar sorcerer offers you absurd amounts of gold in exchange for protection from… well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? You don’t know.

Features

Features:

  • Choose your own pronouns (or set custom ones) and customize your commander’s appearance
  • Pick what mythosi blood The Commander has been infused with-- gorgon, werewolf, phoenix, or demon blood.
  • Romance one of six ROs, two male, two female, one non-binary, and one gender customizable.
  • Choose your Commander’s past, directly shaping and changing the current state and history of the world.
Feedback

As always, please notify me if there’s any typos and coding errors!

"Flirt Options": As of now, not all flirting options are necessarily flirting, but rather options that would lead to a deeper and more intimate relationship with characters. However, I could see how this may make players who don’t romance/aren’t romancing a specific character feel like they can’t know a character as well or can’t express the MC how they would like to or risk romancing an NPC. I was considering for some dialogue options creating them twice, one as a flirt option, one as a simple platonic one! I’m interested on any feedback regarding this or if it would be unnecessary.

Questions: What major questions do you have, if any? Are they questions in the sense you want to read more to answer them or questions in the sense that you feel like the story is too vague and doesn’t explain enough?

Pacing: Does it move too slow? Too quick? Is there more/less development you’d like to see? Would you like the different POVs to be different? Thoughts on the POVs in general?

Personality of MC: Does it feel off at times? Does MC act too aggressive in scenes where you don’t directly control them? I’m using a method to check the highest stat, but I’m worried the aggression stat overrides the rest to the point I’ll need to create a workaround…

However, any feedback is welcomed and appreciated!

ROs

The ROs are gender locked except for one possible option…I’ll see when I get there!

Vethna Mevnrael
Appearance: 5’9, skin the color of bronze with long wavy hair that’s only a few shades darker than their skin. Their eyes glow in the darkness with magic, a greyed out blue and green. They wear a deep v-neck black gown with golden embroidery, an outrageous amount of rings and jewelry, and their signature wine red lipstick.
Background: Vethna is the sorcerer who hired you. All you know is that they’re a noble from the south, but their past, who trained them, and why they’re on the run are all mysteries to you. They can be snippy and downright mean, but it’s undeniable that they need you to protect them, for better or worse.

Nikke Ivante
Appearance: 6’0, light grey skin that’s twined green and covered in iridescent scales. Purple bags sit under his pale green eyes, which, like all mythosi, glow in the darkness. Wears smudged black kohl. His hair is long and half shaved, mostly black with streaks of white, tongue forked and sharp fangs often protruding from out past his lips.
Background: A gorgon tasked with hunting you down for the gods know what. He’s impossible to read, and it seems like no matter what situation you find him in he’s always wearing a mask. Is it possible to see underneath it? Is there even anything there? And, more importantly, can you ever gain the gorgon’s trust after what you’ve done to their kind?

Amilia Von Clamile
Appearance: 5’5 with snow white skin and blood red hair that’s poorly cut and uneven, coming to her chin on one shoulder and sitting well past her collarbone on the other. Her eyes are hazel and her face is covered in freckles. A deep scar juts into her lip on the right side of her face and runs down her jaw and neck.
Background: A half-fae bard who seems to know everything and everything. She’s adamant on following you and Vethna around on your journey so she may one day “tell the tale of your greatness.” Neither you nor Vethna think it will be that great, however. Only tragic.

Syfyn Javall
Appearance: 5’11 with warm toned skin that’s often burnt red, leaving splotchy tans along her body. Her eyes are a steely grey, hair blonde and cut short in a bob. Covered in scars with feathers in her hair, pupils slits and teeth razor sharp.
Background: Your old friend and a current knight in the guard, infused with the mythosi blood of a griffin. She’s fierce and just, and was the most loyal friend you ever had. You hate that you can’t say the same after what you did.

Sabir Du Vaelas
Appearance: 6’1 with dark, cool toned skin, black eyes, and long black hair kept in locs. He wears expensive robes that are a deep teal and is covered head to toe in expensive silver jewelry.
Background: Sabir used to be in your charge before everything went south. A powerful and well known diplomat, everyone knows of his title. His reach is far and wide, and there’s not a string that he can’t pull or a puppet he can’t make.

???
Will be revealed when the demo is further completed…

I can’t put any official dates for my updating schedule quite yet, but after the first update(s) I’ll hopefully be able to get a feel for the future.

Demo
Here’s the demo!

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As of now, the Demo is 137k words in total with an avg. playthrough being about 33k words! Reminder that you will have to restart your saves with each update.

Update Log
  • March 5th, 2021: Demo is uploaded.
  • April 13th, 2021: Chapter 2 is uploaded. (+84k words)
438 Likes

This is an interesting demo, the story is pretty smooth except for few minor spelling and grammar mistakes…

1 Like

looks at name I feel like my choice of form is locked :I

I enjoyed this quite a bit :). It feels kinda similar to a few things here, like “I, the Forgotten One” (incrediblely good/powerful child teen soldier/warrior regretful for their past, though not the focus or as PTSD-heavy) and “Virtue’s End” (four different types of half-monster protagonist, dark fantasy, though not as Witcher-y). Not a negative or anything, just an observation since it was a very prevalent feeling to me.

Sole bug I noticed [“Old guy at the corner shop forced me to take it for free,” she says. “Here.” She #{were hand|hands} over the second canister.], though the save system is being very glitchy and fiddly (in new ways I’m not used to). Like if you load a save after looking at the achievements or stats it puts you at the beginning.

10 Likes

Found somethin’:

They look at you, an interesting gleam in their eyes, lips quirked in a half=smile as they stroke their chin.

1 Like

Cant wait for the next chapter ^^

1 Like

This is wonderful. I was so intrigued by your story. Also respect for the POV change and somehow making it work so well. I enjoy POV changes but I think it is quite difficult to implement them in cyoa without disrupting the immersion. But you did a really good job! I enjoyed it very much.

The flirt options where good. I enjoyed that it was not always a 'really flirty ’ scene. It makes the romance feel natural. Also I tent to cringe very easily with flirt options and I could flirt without choosing something that had me cringing so very good!

The pacing feels actually very good. The time skip did not feel artificial. It is natural that it takes some time to be found when you stay in small towns around a country. Also the way you implemented choices helped to counter that somehow.

The character of the mc is relatable. It is natural that a war forms you and we are not playing a teenager who’s character is still forming
Even though I feel like you give a good amount of choices to customize the mc so no complaints
I have to play it again for a few times and if I lack any kind of response I will write again

As for explanations the wip is young and I am grateful that I can immerse myself in the story without having to read through walls of texts for now. You still have time to establish the world but I already have a feeling for it so i look forward for more.

Disclaimer: I am mostly reading as a compassionate and broken mc so I did not play all the choices. But I liked the ones so far.

17 Likes

I love it.Despite the fact that the plot is very engaging as well, i really like how the focus is on the Mc, their relationships, their personal traumas and that its sort of a Redemption arc. Very nice :+1:

2 Likes

The story is great so far, I really like it! Vethna is already likeable whether as a regular character or as an RO. I’m looking forward for the next chapter. Great job and good luck, author! =)

3 Likes

Nice demo my cup of tea

3 Likes

Haha, the wolf is definitely one of my favorite options! (but who am I kidding, I love them all)

I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’ve never read “I, The Forgotten One,” but I am familiar with “Virtue’s End,” which I did take some inspiration from!

The bug/typo should be fixed now! And I think the save system should be fixed? Leave it to me to break the save files in new ways. Thank you for the feedback!

17 Likes

Should be fixed now! Thanks

1 Like

Definitely interesting. Was very good what I’ve read so far. I also like the fact the MC has the choice to not try to initate the combat, adds another layer of complexity in making decisions. A bloodthirsty warrior who enjoys the pain of others? A pacifist who tries to avoid conflict as much as they can? Or someone inbetween who chooses what’s right to fight for or not. Definitely many possibilities and outcomes with how you are writing and I am definitely giving props to you for that.

3 Likes

I enjoyed the demo a lot, everything flowed nicely.
I like the flirt options, felt very natural.
Same with the character creator! I don’t remember seeing the character creator being done through different character’s POVs and I loved it!

The only question I have is if it would be okay to put in a few more save slots? If that’s not possible that’s fine, of course.

Looking forward to more!

16 Likes

Thank you!!! I went ahead and changed it to six save slots :).

15 Likes

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it :pray:t2:

I feel sorry for a man character there thrown in the s*** again

love the part were i am stabbed by an allie and i get the option to laugh about it lol

10 Likes

Got fully immersed and to me you’ve portrayed the mc very well, including the flashbacks and really fleshing them out. I’m in love with this world and the concepts, like, gorgons? Epic. I also love the titles we’re given and what it brings. I’m fascinated with character studies and how one changes through their journeys for the better or the worse or how they stick with their own beliefs through and through…
Take your time! Can’t wait for more!

5 Likes

I was completely blown away by what you had in the demo so far! I can’t wait to see what happens next!

1 Like

I really love it, the plot is just so interesting and I like how we can see how the other characters see the world :sparkling_heart:
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