(WIP) The Bureau - Chapters 1-2+ (400k+ Words)

That’s fine I understand, if not cold then could reserved choices be added then. Doesn’t have to mean choices, but feels weird playing my MC being all smiley and playful with everyone.

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Mhm. Tacking onto this point of discussion; I agree about the “smiley” bits being a little too involuntary on the part of the reader.

To explain where I’m coming from at least a little; I felt like the plot was leaving me, as the reader, behind. Plenty enough oddities were taking place from scene to scene, interaction to interaction that it makes perfect sense to not be really be smiling at all as you gather, and process the new information. Not to say you’d be acting “cold”, but a little distant. Which brings me to the weird ‘scoff’ scene, I suppose. I chose the closed off option as the nearest flavor to being very reserved/shy, but then on the next page my MC started acting like a “I don’t bend for authority” jerk. Unexpected. Funny in that way, because I wanted to reach through my screen, and slap my MC for being an immature dweeb all of a sudden. :sweat_smile:

These are just little things that could probably be expanded on for better personality coverage later on.

Agreeing to shake hands without voluntary input on the part of the reader was another moment of confusion for me, as I’d decided from the word go that since there was an option to refuse the very first handshake you could participate in, that I could play a little more like how I am irl–specifically being somewhat touch averse.

I don’t have anything against being friendly in IF stories/games, and when I think I want to reach out for a handshake, or even to offer some silent support in the form of a gentle touch on the shoulder… When I want to, there’s no disconnect like there is when there’s simply no option to adhere to my instincts after feeling like I could get away with it. :thinking:

Professionalism has nothing to do with personal wellness, so if I don’t want to shake someone’s hand, there’s nothing I really have to say other than “no”, or “I don’t do handshakes” to get my point across. So far as I’m aware, no one’s taken actual offense to my aversion yet.

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That is a very good point! I added more reserved approaches to Harper/Carter and Kris/Kristina’s introductions (two each now), and I have just changed a few key things in the “Reserved” choice in the interview to make it seem less standoffish. These are all changes that will be officially released when I update it again with the new chapter!

Thank you for the feedback as I do want to make this game feel as accessible as possible! I will add these changes to the unofficial Updates on the post.

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Very interesting concept! I like the characters and I’m eager for more!

That being said, I do agree with other commenters about the shy/reserved options. Stats wise, it seems the players are allowed to play such characters, but it doesn’t come across in the game, since most shy choices come across as distant / detached as well, and more reserved choices appear outright rude, at times.
I think the thing that best shows this issue is when Hawks talks with MC and you get to decide if they are reserved or charismatic.
The reserved choice makes the bold stat go up a “lot” and the “charming” a little, which doesn’t seem to make much sense at all? Shouldn’t it make shy go up a lot and fortright a bit, for example? Or fortright a lot and shy a bit, if you want to focus on the direct non-charming aspect rather than the shy one?

I like playing shy and reserved characters a lot, but only if they are shy/reserved AND nice and caring, which isn’t really possible in this case. I’ve decided to go for my second favored MC type, which are litteral outgoing rays of sunshine, and that the game allows with no issues, so I’m fine, but I felt like the thing should be adressed.
Keep in mind I don’t mind preset MCs - I even favor that - but this is an in-between, since the player has a lot of agency about shaping the MC, but at the same time some things that feel like they should be possible aren’t.

Ah, and also, I feel like, regardless of anything else, “shy flirt” options should be a thing. The possibility to “indicate” the game that the MC is interested in someone, or that they caught their eye, but they don’t act upon it / don’t start flirting. Even a bold or outgoing person may be shy in regards to romance.

Other suggestions and things that bothered me a bit:

So, this is all very subjective, of course, and not actual errors. I just prefer to adress everything!

  • I can’t stress this enough but… “First thing is to sign my name; easy enough.” - not really easy, no :rofl:
    Wouldn’t it be possible to have a list of premade names (and last names) AND the possibility to input a custom one if none is to our tastes? I really don’t like naming my characters something custom as it’s hard to come up with names for so many games, and it’s tedious with restarts and replays (having to write it each time).
  • It would be nice if, during the sexual orientation selection, the asexual choice had a follow up choice asking about romantic preferences (as an afterthought of the MC, not something written in papers they are filling), because an ace can still prefer men or women or like both (or none, if they are aro too). For example IRL I’m ace and straight, while I have a friend who is ace and lesbian. I don’t have any interest in girls, and she doesn’t have any in men, but none of us has any interest in physical relationships of any sort.
    This isn’t relevant to my playthrough anyway since I don’t self-insert, but just a thing I’ve noticed.
Assorted errors and actual mistakes:
After greeting Jackson:

“He turns her attention back to Agent Vasquez”
Should be “He turns his attention”

In Jackson's office, when asking questions:

The entire text about entering the office etc repeats itself as the questions come back, which makes it seem as if they were entering all over again each time. I would suggest only keeping the line “If there was ever a time to strike up a conversation, now would be it.”, once the first question was asked.

When discussing the victim:

Samuel says: “I think we need to realize hat this guy doesn’t give a shit about his victims.”
Should be “that this guy”

"His" instead of "Him" errors:

I’ve stumbled upon a huge amount of pronoun errors with “his” being used instead of “him” (or the other way around).

  • When we get explanations about Katherine: “The team leader gives his a cold, guilty look.”
    I think it was meant to be “gives him a cold, guilty look.”
  • On the next page: “Samuel nods his head towards the casually dressed special agent, giving his an appreciative look”
    Should be “giving him an appreciative look”
  • And: “Both Kris and Samuel stare at him in disbelief, not expecting his to be aware of the information.”
    “not expecting him to be aware”
  • This choice: “I shake his hand and shoot his a smile.”
    “shoot him a smile”
  • After discussing the victim: “Arthur walks past me and I nod at his with a somewhat confused stare.”
    “I nod at him”

I think that’s it! These issues aside, I love the game, and I’m already in love with Samuel! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you very much for pointing out all the errors to me, I have fixed the ones stated here! I also agree with you that now that I’ve changed it around, it should add more to the Shy stat than the Bold stat, so I have changed that as well.

There will also definitely be Shy flirt options in chapter two and onwards (I’ve actually written one already!) as those are some of my personal favorite options in games as well.

I’m glad that you’re enjoying it so far though, and you will get a ton of chances to make your Shy and Charming the highest stats you choose, even though they conflict in that particular interview choice! Also, I’ll give a bit of an insight into chapter 2 here; there will be two places where the MC will get to choose one on one scenarios with a member of the MCT, so you will be getting a lot more insight into Samuel.

Oh, right, last thing; will definitely work on implementing pregen names - that completely slipped my mind.

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Oooo, really excited about the shy flirt options, I’m honestly a total wreck when it comes to flirting and dating (aka I have a total lack of it) so my MC would definitely be the type to shy flirt if that makes sense

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I think you have an excellent start here, I really look forward to reading more. Your writing flows really well, and I like the characters that we have met so far. Keep it up!

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Thank you so much! I’m glad you liked it so far and I can’t wait to get the second chapter to everyone!

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Oh, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but the RO’s having kids is a new to me, which I appreciate. I’ve read a lot of IF and VN’s and not many have RO’s with children already so I like the diversity. Especially since if you try to romance them, you don’t only have to woo them, but also need to make a connection to the kids as well, which the effort is worth it in the end.

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I agree that it’s a nice thing.
The only other one I can think of like that is “Fields of Asphodel

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Well heck, now you have me intrigued and I’ll be swinging by to try the demo out…after I try out 15+ more demos…

sigh I have too many demos to try

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At least you have demos to try, I don’t have this luxury, I tried them all and played them like hell :laughing:

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This is really fun to read can’t wait for more :spades:

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Hey! first first of all great premise and a strong first chapter.
I really liked how you wanted to give MC different personalities and how that affects those around them.
I wanted to know whether any poly romances are planned? If not, can you consider adding them?

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Thanks so much for the kind words and I’m glad you enjoyed the first chapter! Unfortunately I wanted to keep this first book/series a bit more simple for myself since it is my first time doing it, so there won’t be any poly romances in this particular story.

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Great game cant wait for chapter 2

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Hey everyone, just thought I’d post this here for anyone who is following the game. I’ve started putting my progress for chapter 2 into the original post of this topic. I’ve also realized that after writing 12,000 words and not even being a fifth of the way through the first scene (out of three that are planned) that chapter two is going to take significantly more time than I thought, but I know by the end it will all be worth it! I’m loving writing/planning these one-on-one scenes between the MC and the MCT Special Agents, and to give you all a sneak peek into what you’re in for, I decided to share what the scenes in chapter two are going to be (in their basest form).

Scene 1: Learning a bit more about the MCT and their mutations.
Scene 2: Investigating the case out in the field.
Scene 3: Similar to scene one, only under different circumstances and after a small time skip.

Thank you all for your patience and I absolutely cannot wait until I can share this chapter with you. Currently there are about five chapters planned, and I will continuously update the original post to keep you all informed of what I get done, so keep stopping by every couple of days to see how it’s going! Thank you all again for your continued support!

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Just wanted to let everyone know, the tumblr for the game is now up. The link for that is up in the original post!

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Huh, never knew that art could somehow convey a pun in its form, yet the cover image did…when I saw the cover image all I thought was the pulse and it made me chuckle, 10/10.
Oh and the cover image is very lovely, I really like it! (:

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Hey, I have noticed in the OP a bunch of updates in the log…
Are these updates actually implemented in the playable WIP, or is that only for the document you’re working on, and not yet uploaded? Because if they are uploaded, well… I have to play that :rofl:

I mean, I know not all of them are implemented, from what the post states, but are some of them?

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