In depth feedback:
First of all, I noticed the save system on Dashingdon is not available. I don’t know if you chose specifically not to include it, but if you did want it there, then I wanted to inform you it is unavailable.
I chose the Fae academy, and to be a female.
When Estelle asks you why you chose the Fae academy, there is an option that says
“You remember that the Fae Academy is home to the highest proportion of females to males. You grin to yourself as you imagine how you will do your best to bask in the glory of being targetted by hundreds of girls to be their boyfriend.”
Playing as a female MC, this option doesn’t really make sense. Although this problem likely stems from your deciding to make the game gender customisable after starting. I’ll leave any other gender miswords I find in a small section at the bottom.
This section:
"You make your way to your dorm room, following the instructions which you find on the backside of the sheet of paper that Professor Drakath had given you.
It doesn’t take long for you to find your room door. You open the door, finding the space inside to be relatively large.
You walk into your room and close the door behind you. There is a single king sized bed in the center of the room. Beside it there is a drawer. To one corner of the room is a wardrobe, with a mirror attached to one of the wardrobe doors.
There are two doors in the room. You inspect both, finding the first door leads to your bathroom, and the second leads into a study area, where there is a desk and a couple of large, heavy books. "
This is probably just a problem with myself but I feel like “door” is said a bit too often here. It’s probably unavoidable but, “finding the first door leads to your bathroom” could probably be changed to " inside the first room, you find your bathroom,"
In the first Pyromancy lesson when Prof. Yolanda is introduced, she is described as “She is wearing a slim fit black dress” This is missing commas.
During the first dungeon, with Estelle as a partner:
“Interesting, but they made this dungeon way too easy,” she says. The girl moans. “I thought today would be interesting, I guess not. Let me get us out of here.”
These two dialouges should probably be seperated.
“You’ve also expanded your social circle, and you now know most of the people in the classes you frequent. The most notable people in your circle are Giselle, Estelle, Brandon and Song.”
Given that, in my playthrough, the only one of this list that I had met was Estelle, you might want to include more chances to meet them rather than just saying, “You are now friends with these people you’ve never met.”
I also noticed that the realtionship stat charts for the other characters never showed up in the stats menu.
“You’ve on separate occasions worked closely with each of them” should be flipped. So that it would be “You’ve worked closely with each of them on seperate occasions.”
Song turns his head and groans. “Do you ever stop talking Brandon? It’s quiet in the hall, get a hint.” He then rubs his dark, bald head and sighs. “Non stop.” - the random “Non stop”, It doesn’t really add to his previous statement and just confuses the reader.
When meeting Bami, I think there should be options to be naturally trusting, rather than assuming the MC “eyes her with suspision.”
-“Adrienne we don’t have time for your temper tantrums right now. I’m not here to hurt you, rather the opposite,” Bami says.* - A comma after the player name.
“Illusions? Interesting, I don’t think I would have picked you for that. I thought you’d be more into pyromancy. You seem like that type of person to me,” she says. - I find this statement interesting, considering I was focusing on Illusions and that it was my highest stat.
The waves are crashing against the beach, and a great wind is ploughing through the expanse, causing your hair to fly all over. - This is fine as is, considering I chose long hair. But i’d just kindly urge you to double check that this doesn’t show up for bald MCs
Gender issues
During the Affinity test:
“Man hurry your stupid self up, you’re playing with fire here.” The woman grabs you even tighter than before and starts running with you toward a wall." - will be confusing if not playing as a man.
And even if you are a man, it is missing a comma.
“Bami don’t be mean to him. He’s only a newborn, be patient.” - despite being female, there is male pronouns.
“Don’t thank me, it is only right that I help one of my brothers in arms.” - Male pronouns again.
Demeter bursts into laughter. “I love him Bami, where in the heavens did you find him?” - Again, I’m using female pronouns.
Mbali frowns. “Wait, but Adrienne hasn’t even been here for a day. Don’t you think it’s reckless to throw him into the thick of it without adequate training or time to process all of this?”
Bami grins. “Don’t worry. He’s got what is needed, trust me on that. And we don’t have the luxury of time right now.” - Prounouns again.
“Precisely,” Bami says. “Nevertheless, we are short-handed and need to verify this for ourselves. Hence we’re taking Adrienne with us so soon after his arrival.” - Pronouns
“Woah,” Mbali rushes into the middle of the pair. “Let’s simmer down. Right, we haven’t even told Adrienne about how to use his new powers from the spirit he chose.” - Pronouns
This conversation using male pronouns:
Demeter laughs. “You shouldn’t go saying things like that.”
“Why shouldn’t he?” Mbali retorts. She frowns. “He isn’t wrong at all, this is exactly why life is worth living. Surrounded by friends and family and just enjoying each other’s company.”
Demeter tilts his head back and groans. “Not what I meant. Him saying that totally jinxed this quiet peaceful life of ours. The wheel has heard his words and will throw something at us now. And anyway, none of us have a family to go back to anyway.”
You shudder at the end of Demeter’s sentence. You sigh knowingly. “He’s right. I guess we are all the family we have right now.”
I will do more later, but for now this is everything. I’ll keep the tab open so that I don’t lose progress.
I’m not sure how much is left in the demo, I just got to the point where you choose wether to go to the adventurer’s guild, the mage’s guild, or the training yard.
