WIP - That Which Lurks: In the Darkness (Poll on #84)

adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice
#84

That’s a coding error on my part! Thanks for the catch!!

Also seems to be another coding error, that should only trigger if you have hit a certain romance % with Agent Montgomery, I will look into this :)!

Thank you for the feed back!!

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#85

@Caspiera Gosh! This game’s lovely! I love Sebastian! Just mayor heart eyes for him! I also found some typos if that’s okay to point out.

“Fuck You!” he hisses between clenched teeth, spitting at the assailant in defiance. (The ‘you’ I think should be lower case?)

They push open the door with easy, ignoring the disapproving sigh from within. (It’s so suppose to be ease.)

“Agent Pearson,” the woman speaks steadily behind her stacks of paperwork, never once lifting her eyes from her task (The ‘the’ should be upper case and ‘from her task’ needs a period.

Pearson sprawls out on a comfortable gray couch resting their legs on the opposite arm. “You know me Director Asher,” they take a wooden plated flask from out under their jacket, swallowing a large sip. (needs to be upper case.)

“Yes, so I’ve known.” Director Asher gives them a small wistful smile before growing serious once again. “I have just been informed that there has been a murder in Dawnbury-” (I feel like it should be yes, so I’ve heard but I’m not sure?

Pearson cocks their brown eying the folders and the woman in front of them for a few seconds, before finally signing and succumbing to her gaze. (should be brows and sighing. and it should be eyeing.)

I do not know what to think Agent Pearson,” she sighs slowly before turning her attention back to the Agent “so that is why I am assigning you a team for this case.” Director Asher makes her way toward a couch opposite of the gray one that Pearson is sprawled out on and takes a seat, crossing one leg over the other.

(I think ‘I don’t know what to think’ would maybe fit better. And a period after ‘back to the agent.’ I think ‘so’ needs to be capitalized also. "So, that’s why I’m a assigning you a team for this case. I think this might fit better?

…That’s not what she said (Doesn’t have a period at the end.)

The last names for the MC also don’t have periods either.

Pearson scoffs as they open the manila folder reading its contents out loud. “Agent Cassadee Owens, Gender…” (should be content) The female, male, genderqueer options and pronouns might need periods too.

Agent Pearson gray eyes skims through the dossier with little interest. (Should be skim.)

“Agent Owens has survived an attack from the suspect before,” she flips open the dossier stopping at a newspaper article before turning it toward the agent; Slaughter at Sunrise "her insight might prove beneficial to this case."

(She should be capitalized. 'slaughter at sunrise." (A period and a uppercase Her.)

“Or compromise it-” Pearson lashes out (A period after lashes out.)

“That is enough Agent. You have your orders.” Director Asher’s voice nearly booms over Pearsons. (That’s enough, agent. You have your orders. I think would fit better.)

"Will that be all…ma’am? (We need another " to end the sentence here.)

It is eerily quiet, except for a faint pitter patter somewhere off in the distance. (It’s eerily quiet. I think would fit better?) I call out again, but like before the only response is silence. Fear takes a hold over me, it is suffocating. I feel weak, I feel numb, that at any moment I will collapse into myself alone and afraid.

(I think 'I feel weak, I feel numb like at any moment I’ll collapse into myself alone and afraid could fit better.)

The world dims, slowly growing black as I can feel myself slipping into a deep, eternal sleep. (…as I feel myself slipping…) I feel like ‘can’ maybe shouldn’t be there.

Instinctively, I drop onto my knees (Should have a period.) …I ignore the stinging sensation and clench my eyes so tight that it waters. (It should be 'that they water.)

“P-please don’t hurt me.” I plead, my voice dripping with fear, flowing alongside the river of tears that now streaming down my face. (Maybe should be stream down my face.)

The figure looms ahead of me now, standing straight and tall. The light of the moon illuminates their arm as they reach for me, making me tense yet again

(Maybe looms over me would fit better and needs a period.)

“S-saeran?” I cry out softly, tears still falling from my eyes? (Has a question mark? Should be a period.)

At first it’s soft and gentle, but slowly, becomes more protective; he pats my head and whispers (Should have a period I think.)

The dark brown eyes nearly glowing in promise. Choking out a sob, I fling my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. (I think ‘His dark brown eyes…’ would maybe fit better in case.)

“…everything is going to be alright Cassadee, you don’t need to be scared anymore…” (Everything maybe needs to be uppercase.)

The shrill sound of my phone startles me awake, I glare menacingly at it through heavy lids, however the volume increases along with my frustration. I look haphazardly towards it, blinking a few times to make sure I was not imagining things, how ever it keeps ringing.

(I think this entire sentence can be rewritten actually. It’s just a bit wonky. Maybe something like, 'The shrill sound of my phone instantly startles me awake, and I can’t help to give it a harsh glare, however it keeps ringing. Not sure though!

I eye the clock besides my bed. (Should be beside.)

“Rise and shine sleeping beauty!” The voice on the other end sings joyfully. I flip over and bury my head deep into the pillow groaning loudly. (should be my pillow.)

After a moment they sigh, “There has been a murder and Agent Pearson called and requests that you meet them at the crime scene.” (I think it should be requested.)

My cellphone beeps and text message appears with the location of the rendezvous point. (There should a ‘a’.

There are a few choice words I have in mind for the driver, but instead, think better of it, that is, until my thoughts are interrupted by a quick string of beeps. (I think better of it…)

Not even a moment has passed before the waves of honks turn into one long pitched howl. An attractive man leans out the window giving me a once over, clearly unimpressed by my lack of reaction to his time. (Maybe growing anger or frustration would be a better fit here.)

I keep walking (Needs a period.)

“Sorry!” I call out to the driver as he slowly drives pass me, nodding to me in acknowledgment . (Has a weird space here.)

“You’re one of the nicest people I know (Should be “I know.”)

Fumble a response (Should a period.)

he notices my reaction giving a small smile, “I’m serious you know, you really are a kind soul.” (He should be uppercase and I’m.)

is all I manage to squeak out before we continue on toward the rendezvous point side by side. (Is should be uppercase.)

Bastian is currently playing a game on his phone, and I’m lost in thought. My mind still drifting back to the dream from earlier. (Should be Sebastian.)

The eye color options should have periods but they don’t.

The torrent of green and brown that swirl around my pupils, have grown into a maelstrom, flickering for dominance like the present and my past. “Cassadee?” Bastian calls from ahead. (Should be Sebastian.)

Bastian gives me a small smile before rubbing the back of his neck. “Kyleigh may or may not have given me the heads up.” he says looking at me sheepishly.

(Should be Sebastian.) (He should uppercase.)

“I figured they would,” I mumbleafter all we are partners, and they are your sibling.” (a period.) (And a capital A on after.)

“I never said you couldn’t,” Bastian spits out throwing his hands up in defense “I just wanted you to know that there are people in this world who care about you.” (Should be Sebastian.) (Should a period after defense.)

Bastians emerald green eyes hold a soft intensity as he stares at me.

(Should be Sebastian.)

“T-thank you.” I fumble out (Needs a period.)

The worry is written all over Bastians face, and something else, something that he is trying mask behind his worry…

(Should be Sebastian.) (He is should maybe be changed to he’s.)

he really cares…about me… (He needs to uppercase.)

“T-thank you.” I fumble out (Should have a period.)

“Of course!” Bastian cheerfully sings, “Shall we?” I nod, continuing our walk in silence.

(Should be Sebastian.)

“Of course!” Bastian cheerfully sings, “Shall we?” I nod, continuing our walk in silence. (Should be Sebastian.)

We finally make it to the mansion how ever a swarm of reporters and spectators flood the area, blanketing the street in a mass of curious faces. I push my way through like a currant flowing against the ebb of the oceans tide, Bastian having the same idea is a few steps behind.

(…Are flooding the area would fit better.) (Should be current.) (And should be Sebastian.)

Finally making it to the front of the crowd, we flash our badges to a pair of officers guarding the front and… (Should be guarding the front door.)

the yellow tape to safety as a wave of reporters scramble to area where we once were. (to the area we once were.)

“You go on ahead Cassadee.” Bastian calls over from behind me. "I’m going to call Kyleigh and give them an update. (Should be Sebastian.) (Should end with a ')

Nodding, I turn and make my way toward the entrance when a string of curses erupt ahead of me, where a familiar lady waggles her finger at a sharply dressed man. I maneuver around to get a look at the two, but from the sounds of it, it seems that the familiar sheriff has gotten her claws into someone again.

(towards the entrance.) (I think …where I see a familiar lady wiggling her finger at a sharply dressed man would maybe be fit better here.)

she shoves her finger into the mans face despite the height difference. (She should be uppercase.)

Despite the bored look on his face,and the stubble lining his jaw, I can’t deny his rugged attractiveness. (should have a space.)

“Look here darlin’,” the man spitting out the word with obvious distaste, “like I’ve already told you, this case is under the Bureaus jurisdiction now.” The mans voice boom over the crowd of spectators watching them from a far. A sudden quietness looms around the two before the man storms off into the building, content with leaving matters as it was.

(I think should be spits.) (I think ‘them’ should be changed to the ‘the duo,’)

(maybe as they were instead.)

“It’s good to see you Sheriff Harris” I say earnestly (Should have periods.)

acknowledge and nod at her (Should be uppercase and have a period.

Harp chuckles grabbing me by shoulders and pulling me into a tight embrace. (Should be Harper.)

…her eyes following a trail of agents and police that make their way inside the mansion (Should have a period ending the sentence.)

Sheriff Harris shakes her head, forcing a cascade a tawny blonde and gray hair fall out of her loose bun. (to fall out of her loose bun.)

“Ya’ll showed up just after us,” she give a loud aggravated sigh “Them folks were good people, good people in my town. **”**Killer got em’ both hog tied to them fancy poles, and the sick fuck made em’ watch.”

(She should be uppercase. (sigh then period. and it should be gives.) (’ should not be there.)

“Honestly? This seems really personal to you? Are you sure you should work this case?” I ask a bit hesitantly (Should have a period.)

I don’t say anything, I just pull her into a hug. Seeing her this upset, I can’t help but try and soothe it, even if it’s just a little."

(soothe her instead it. (and no ".)

"Ah, shucks Cassadee…she stumbles for words. (no " necessary here.) (and she should be uppercase.)

“Sheriff!” a voice calls out. A few feet from us the blonde hair officer from earlier comes running over with a phone. “The DA is on the line, shes not happy…”

(A should be uppercase.)

The two of us just stand there in an awkward silence before the blonde hair woman breaks the tension. (blonde haired,)

“I’m Alison!” she says holding out her hand smiling brightly. (she should be uppercase.)

“I’m Agent Cassadee Owens” I nod as I shake her hand. (Should a period.)

"It is a pleasure to meet you Agent Owens she beams brightly at me. Officer Daniels flicks her attention towards Harper, “You two seem to get along well enough.” Her smile is genuine, making her bright blue eyes shimmer.

(It’s a pleasure to meet you, Agent Owens." She beams brightly at me.) (Officer Daniel’s flicking her attention toward’s Harper. I think fits better.)

Everyone has their strengths, mine happens to be brain. (Don’t really understand this. Maybe a typo.)

"I am the same way," I admit “It is easier to deal with a dead body then a live one at times.”

(“I’m the same way.” I admit.)

Bastian calls out from the other side of the lawn interrupting our conversation “I have been looking for you bloody everywhere!” (I’ve)(Sebastian)

“S-sorry Bastian,” I squeak while I fidget with my hands even though he just laughs. (Sebastian.) (as he laughs may fit better.)

It is no big deal Cassadee, I’m just glad I found you before you went inside.” Bastian beams at me. “Me too.” the words coming out faster then I can stop it. Bastians eyes grow wide, a trace of a blush beginning to form on the tip of his ears. “I-I mean that in a strictly professional way of c-course!”

(It’s no big deal instead.) (Should be Sebastian.) (Needs a space.) (The needs to be uppercase.) (…I can stop them.) (And should be Sebastian’s.)

Refusing the urge to facepalm, I shift slightly away, looking anywhere else then at Bastian. “Well…” Officer Daniels smiles brightly at Bastian “It is a pleasure to meet you…?”

(Should be Sebastian.) (smiles brightly at him.)

Bastian! A-ah I mean Agent Montgomery! I have been looking for you.” A warm voice calls out aloud the endless rambles around us, as the three of us turn our attention toward the direction of the voice, there

(Should be Sebastian.) I’ve been looking everywhere for you!" (there stands …)

Short waves of black locks course around his scalp, sculpting itself into a flowing torrent washing onto the shore of their brow. Big auburn eyes effortlessly catch the shining stars from above, conveying their light toward out own.

(Their brow or his brow.) (our town?)

“Mordecai,” Bastian calls out toward the man beckoning him over with an enthusiastic wave. “I didn’t expect to see you out of your lab!”

(Should be Sebastian.)

“Ah…yes. Director Asher asked me to perform the autopsy of the late Mr. and Mrs. Santos, however…” he look momentarily confused, pausing for a moment to scan the surroundings before finally lowering his voice to a whisper “I was told to-“ he coughs “-‘Make like a horseshit and hit the trail?’ from a wonderfully colorful lady.”

(had asked me to…would fit better maybe.) (it should be looks.) (He should be uppercase.) (whisper then a period.) (he coughs then there should be period.)

“Oh, but I must apologize for my manners.” Mordecai turns towards Officer Daniels and I, holding out his hand (Doesn’t have a period.)

Bastian has spoken so fondly about. (Should be Sebastian.)

“Oh, but I must apologize for my manners.” Mordecai turns towards Officer Daniels and I, holding out his hand “My name is Doctor Mordecai Parker, you must be Agent Cassadee Owens, Bastian has spoken so fondly about.

highly about.” I flick my gaze over toward Bastian, our eyes meeting momentarily, giving me a bright smile.

"Maybe something like Sebastian has spoken so fondly about you. Has a weird space here.) (And should be Sebastian.)

What the hell have you told him I focus my attention back toward Mordecai,

(should have a period.)

”Please, call me Cassadee. I say with a soft smile” (should have a period, and no ") (I hold his hand just slightly longer should also have a period.)

“Please,” my voice growing sultry “Call me Cassadee.” I throw in a quick wink for good measure.

(My should be uppercase.)

“O-oh, I-“ he stumble the slight trace of a blush forming on their cheeks “I look forward to working in you-” Mordecai pauses catching the slip of lounge “-within you….ah no…”

(He should be uppercase.) (on their cheeks then period.) (it should be catching his slip off the tongue then a period.)
[/details]

I’m sorry for the long post! I kinda have more typos if you might need them! :heart: but I’m truly in love with this game already! I can’t wait for more! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

2 Likes

#86

Omg thank you so much for the kind words! I’m glad that you like Agent Montgomery!

Also wow! I will be going through it and incorporating these changes, thank you so much for catches!!

0 Likes

#87

In a recent update I added a choice to choose your age, ranging from 22 to 26/27(?). I would prefer to leave it up to head cannon but the MCs age does play a little role in their past, which will be touched upon. I’m honestly torn :’(

So poll time!

  • Leave MCs age to head canon (removes the age option)
  • I don’t mind it (keep the predetermined age choices)
  • Keep the MCs age vague (removes the age option)
  • Other

0 voters

1 Like

#88

well…I personally though that 22 is way too young for the job . I mean , can you be 22 a special agent ?

the youngest for me , I wouldve made it 25-35 .

1 Like

#89

If we go by the MC graduating high school at 18 then college at 22, the avg. time to complete police academy is about 21 weeks or 840 hours, so it would be entirely possible based on those statistics.

Also you must be a minimum age of 23 to join the FBI, basing the ages around 22 seems reasonable, but I’ll deff do more research :)!! Thanks for the input!

1 Like

#90

western calculation…I take your word for it :sweat_smile: I don’t know how those work…

beside…Math!!! I hate Math! :joy:

well…I said 25 would be the minimum for me . So yeah…I put 25-35 as the numbers like the choices :

25
26
27
28
29
30
31
31
32
33
34
35

and thats alot…gosh . how about 25-29 , 30-32 ?

muh…I still feel old though :joy:

2 Likes

#91

Me too man me too :sob:I’ll deff keep that in mind though, see if I can make the ages work :slight_smile:

1 Like

#92

well you were right about the FBI age…

To qualify for a position as an FBI Special Agent: Candidates must be at least 23 years old , but younger than 37 at the time of appointment. Veterans, however, may be granted an age waiver if they are older than 37 . Candidates must be a United States citizen or a citizen of the Northern Mariana Islands.

So you can set it at 23 and go from there . You could also turn it to 25 and say something like took 2 years to more training in X or therapy or something .

1 Like

#93

That definitely is a possibility :slight_smile:

0 Likes

#94

@Caspiera A couple more typos that found if that’s okay! :heavy_heart_exclamation::hearts::hearts:

[spoiler]Letting out a breath that I was unaware I was holding, I lower my fists slightly, wearily eying the boy in front of me “Saeran?” He chuckles softly giving me a fond smile. "Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you."

(Should have a space.)

“Please, you don’t have to do this,” I plead “I’ll do whatever you want, just please, don’t hurt me.” My voice waivers slightly, but the words come out steady and true.

(plead then a period.)

"I’ll never let anyone break that kindness in your heart Madilyn he promises and this time it’s his turn to tense, as we hold each other quietly, tears staining both his eyes and my own.

(we need a period after madilyn. and he needs to uppercase.

They jut out their arms, but I am too fast, I duck under them making haste toward a flight of stairs, agilely jumping over the obstacles between, but before I can make it up the stairs, they call out, stopping me stop in my tracks.

(should be i’m to fast.) (should be stopping me in my tracks.)

I do not bother locking eyes with him, instead I decide to flip him off as I turn to walk away.

(Should be I don’t.)

“Really asshole?” He shouts back at me spewing with rage, I simply fly the other bird toward his fellow, sauntering away.

(should be towards him.)

“Keeping it classy eh, Madilyn?” a light voice chuckling as they come up from behind. I slowly turn and catch my partner Elizabeth sauntering across the street towards me.

(A should be uppercase. should be a light voice says chuckling as they come up from behind me.

I give her a stern stare
The classiest, I say playfully
Glare at her

(All need periods.)

“Glad we are in the same mind then.”

(Maybe glad were on the same page would fit better.)

“I can’t tell if thats the most carefree attitude or the most apathetic.” she chuckles

(needs a period.)

and the shrug option needs a period also.)

Bastian brows nearly shoot up to his hairline. “Remind me to never introduce you to Annabelle.” they jest.

(should be Sebastian.)

Really, he should be used to this kind of behavior by now. It’s not unusual for me after all.

I do not bother replying, just giving a non-committal shrug as we make our way down to the crime scene.

(Really, he should be used to this kind of behavior by me by now may fit better here.) (i don’t bother…)

We make our way down the street, the two of us chuckling

(needs a period at the end.)

“Ah, so you saw that?” I can’t help but give him an embarrassed smile, flinging my hands over my face “Definitely not, one of my finest moments.”

(should a period after face.)

“Well I mean…that wouldhave been bad-ass…”

(should have a space.)

It is not like he was breaking the law or anything.” I eye him critically.

(should be It’s not like…)

“I know,” he sounds almost disappointed.

(he should be uppercase.)

Bastian throws up his hand over his chest in mock hurt. "You wound me my dear Madilyn!

(Should be Sebastian and needs a " to end the sentence.)

Quickly, he throws up his arms in surrender “I was just joking!” he laughs awkwardly

(needs periods after surrender and awkwardly.)

My anger must be written all over my face as I nearly growl out, "I am fine so drop it." I don’t bother looking back as I storm off shoving my hands deep into the pocket of my

(I’m fine kinda fits better.) (deep into the pockets of my skirt/pants.)

I Hold Bastians gaze with a smirk.

(should be I hold gaze with a wicked smirk.)

“You care about me do you,” I bat my eyes giving him a playful jab with my elbow. The tension from Bastian’s shoulders slowly begin to drop as he grins at me. “Of course I care about you Madilyn.” he says winking back ruffling my hair in the process.

(Sebastian’s shoulders. And I think the line should you care about me, don’t you." or something like that.)

Bastian hesitates a moment, stopping to judge my reaction.

(Sebastian.)

Bastian finally shakes there head laughing, giving me his signature smile “Really.”

(Sebastian.)

“I understand,” a sad smile crosses her face “She may be rough around the edges but Sheriff Harris loves this town and everyone in it.”

(A should be uppercase and after face a period.)

“Except for me…” I mutter under my breath

(A period after breath.)

“We always got along as well as a wet cat in a dog pen,” her stare slowly turning into a sneer as she stalks toward me

(needs a period after me.)

“That sure is one way to put it” She raises a brow at me surprised by my sudden unusual playfulness around her.

(needs a period after it.)

She cocks an eye brow at me, but settles for a polite nod after a moment. “The feelings mutual Agent.

(Needs a ")

"Sheriff." I her a stiff nod.

(give.)

“Agent,” she returns the nods and goes for a hand shake.

(she returns the nod.) (she should be uppercase.)

She turns directly this time to face me, fixing me a hard stare. “Whatchu thinkn’ bout Madilyn?”

(needs a ")

"Harp… “I know.” She interrupts meand we will, just give me a moment,” she says softly, almost in a whisper.

(needs spaces and a period after me.) (And needs to be uppercase.) (She also needs to be uppercase.)

Harper’s eye light up as the sudden realization hits her. She pulls me into a tight embrace giving me a quick squeeze before backing away. “I reckon your still as quiet as mouse in the cupboard ,” she throws me a knowing look. “thats fine, I talk enough for the both of us!”

(weird spacing.) (She needs a uppercase s.) (T needs to be uppercase.)[/spoiler]

1 Like

#95

@Caspiera Not entirely sure what’s happening here. Repeating perhaps?

Name bug:

I seem to recall Morticai being female for me.

Examines what exactly?

This choice seems to repeat

1 Like

#96

Thanks for the catch! I’m gong to look into it :slight_smile:

1 Like

#97

To me, the choice of “talk to Beth” only repeated when I chose the first option

1 Like

#98

FINNALLY. I think that i saw this game in the interest check and i looove the idea, so happy to find this.

1 Like

#99

Yup! I’m working in getting that fixed ASAP :)!!

1 Like

#100

It is!! It is a small demo but working on it everyday! :slight_smile:

1 Like

#101

I love every single one of you guys! You are all so patient and helpful! I couldn’t ask for a group of more amazing people then every single one of you :sob::heart::heart_eyes:

6 Likes

#102

You could ask for the Avengers

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#103

Y’all are pretty much the Avengers of CoG forums :joy:
Dibs on being Loki!!! :smiling_imp:

3 Likes