(WIP) Shattered : updated-chapter one finished (31/10/2018)

Seems good by summery

Oof, Finally! Here’s a bunch of suggestions I have and typos I found while reading. I’m by no means professional in the field of grammar, though, so I can tell if it’s awkward but not neccessarily how or why. My explainations might not be the greatest because of that.

Here it is!

A gaping gash into my chest, tainting the snow red.

Later in the game you mention that one of the races we can play as has purpleish blood so until that comes up I’d cut out any mentions of color


I turned toward her a gaze full of resent she may not have deserved.

resentment


While I didn’t care much for the way she looked at me. I knew how prudish humans were

comma instead of period


Well, won’t you look at that. I’ve never seen anything like that in a long life of getting people patched up.

in all my time patching people up flows better


It was nigh time to replace your bandages as well, I’ll cut them off."

It is high time your bandages were replaced
it’s high time someone did something is how that expression goes. Pronouns , people, and verbs are interchangeable.


the much more primal imperative of hunger remembered itself to me

I remembered the much more primal imperative of hunger


The warmth of her smile left me helpless but melt away a part of my doubts

you sorta squish some expressions together. Maybe left me helpless but to “relax” or some other verb. meaning its all you could do. or her smiled helped melt away…so on and so forth.


She poured some of the content into the bowl

contents


I only heard of elves in the tales my father told me when I was young.

I’ve only heard


They were a smoking hot pink, deep, dark pink.

There’s a bit of repetitiveness going on here and besides that, this seems a bit strange. I think of Hot pink as a bright, neon tone and dark pink as a much richer, cooler color, like Fuschia or Magenta. Almost purple


Furnitures, a wall-mounted bear head, a pelt on the ground

Furniture. no s for plural


, taking out my frustrations onto my saviour was unbecoming.

On my savior. onto generally implies something being physically moved if there is no movement then use “on”.


“… I thank you. However, I have not need of your pity.”

no need


Let use discuss about your amnesia.

us. The “about” is redundant here so I’d drop it.


The marks seemed to fit the wounds you received, this confirms that you were attacked but there’s no explanation for the rust, you bled on it and spent some time in the water but it would take a lot of time for an armour to wither that badly.

Bit of a run on. Period instead of comma after rust.


Rings any bell?"

Ring any bells


. Thought you were going to go back into coma

into a coma


And as I was about to abandon, just as the door violently opened.

Abandon what? there needs to be a object that is being abandoned. Give up also works better here.


Her trepidation was clear as she jauntily trotted to the seat beside my bed.

Trepidation seems like an odd word choice. Trepidation implies some sort of nervousness or dread. Anticipation is more neutral


So I’ve made some research

done some research


reclaim my self.

myself, all one word


just as I was about to abandon, I did it.

same thing as above. there needs to be something being abandoned


I was about to smile, seeing the starstruck eyes of Loran, watching the flame with admiration… If I didn’t scream first.

This feels oddly worded. maybe change “I was about to” “I would have” and then “didn’t scream” to “hadn’t screamed”. “I was about to smile…But I screamed first” also works.


A second before the world turned to black

a second passed


careful watching for any kind of activity.

carefully


. I hesitated to meet them directly instead of spying on them…

I was hesitant


and there were no signs of other elves searching for one of them

“one of them” feels vague, even if it’s easy to get what you mean. I’d suggest replacing “them” with “Their own”.


you’re a child in awe before something she never saw before

“She’s never seen before”


“It’s nothing like that!” She lashed at him.

Lashed should be snapped. Lashing out at someone is a physical action, like hitting or kicking.


Instead of arguing upon things that are beyond our control,

arguing about things


With neither informations nor means,

neither information nor means


It seem our argument has no relevance anymore…"

seems


words of her father brought a large, satisfied, a mite too cocky, smile

I don’t think that “a” in front of mite really belongs there since it’s also in front of large.


These jumbled flashes were of no use at all, beside disturbing me.

besides


The citizens were weary of me at first, without surprise

I think you meant “Wary”. Weary means “tired”, wary means “on guard”


To turn my words into blades that much sharper to make them do my bidding.

This sentence feels akward to me, (real helpful, I know) And I can’t quite articulate why. I’d suggest “To sharpen my bladed words and make them do my bidding.” It keeps the idea and helps the sentence flow much smoother. (Plus if our other interactions with Loran and Orion are anything to go by, Our words are already plenty sharp.)


But I did the best possible weapon out of the steel I had at disposition.

“…I made the best…” and “at my disposal”


I could tell it was the most beautiful weapon he ever saw

He had ever seen


few important decisions were taken without his assent

decicions were made


At first, I was rather sceptical

Skeptical


She could track preys

plural form of “prey” has no “s”


So, the one with the most preys caught gets

same as above


something I could only hope of ever equalling.

ever should be moved between “only” and “hope”


Ah! Like your clumsy hands could ever be a match to mine. Let’s.

a match for mine


She quickly found her way through, and became a friend. Despite my initial wish to remain distant.

“my defences” or “my Defensiveness” should come after through


I tried opening up to her, despite my reserves,

reservations


But for once, it seemed the day wasn’t as quiet as it seemed.

I’d drop one of these "seemed"s, probably the first one otherwise it’s too repetetive


Like a bloodhound following the trail of a wounded prey.

“a” doesn’t need to be between “of” and “Wounded”


Do you expect anyone to give in to the heedless warning of

Heedless isn’t really the right word here because it implies the warning itself isn’t paying attention. “meaningless” fits better.


held it before me, leaving my power plain to see as of dark crimson and purple surrounded me

There seems to be some words missing between “as” and “of” a what of dark crimson and purple.


as I called onto shards of my arcane might I reclaimed,

“onto” should just be on because you aren’t actually moving something on top of something. “upon” would also work if you want to use the more archaic mode of speech (medieval fantasy and all that) and preserve that movement in the sentence. “Reclaimed” should drop the “I” that’s before it and be moved between “my” and “arcane”


I only replicated in kind.

“replicated” should be “reciprocated”. and because Reciprocated means “returnd in kind” the “in kind” should be dropped.


A name came to mind, the heart-seeking rending spear.

“rending spear” should be capitalized as it is a name.


showing feline agility I didn’t thought her capable of.

didn’t think her capable of


finished casting another rending spear

Capatalization


hooking the blunt side of her knife at his ankle

knife on his ankle.


" I fixed with har eyes.

hard


Hey! This kind of things happens

these. Drop the “s” in happens


she couldn’t help to drop the act and laugh at this point.

help but drop


I offered him a factual report, going to the point.

Getting to the point


I told him all about the bandit’s attitude, justifying myself in attacking them before they did.

the end is a bit clunky. I’d either drop “them” or change “did” to “attacked us”


I never thought I could Orion looking even more serious

I would see Orion


it didn’t belong in this world, in the end of a mortal.

in the hands of a mortal


I never saw anything like it…

had never seen


want you to keep in mind that you’re in no way entitled to this, to the book, to the one you used to be

“Entitled” doesn’t really fit here. It’s our things and past why wouldn’t we be entitled to it. they belong to us. “Obligated to do this, to use the book, to be the one you used to be” makes much more sense in context, if what he’s trying to say is that we don’t have to be who we were.


Armed with metal, forming intricate, beautiful designs

“Armed” doesn’t really work here. “embellished” or “decorated” is what you’re going for.


that which costed me everything…

cost


There were many notes onto the page,

notes on the page. Onto would work with a verb such as “written” or “Scrawled”


at least that’s what the writings inspired me.

inspired in me


As long as I will be this way, I wouldn’t have access to the entire power that the grimoire would offer me.

as long as I am this way


Why didn’t they attack yet?"

why Haven’t they attacked


Realization dawned onto us both.

dawned on us


I could feel it permeate the very air around us a choking cloud that I perceived more acutely than Loran ever could

period after “us”


a buzzing tide threatening to make me go insane.

to drive me insane


I contained my unexplainable urge to laugh, the exultation of the return of my powers.

"unexplainable doesn’t really work here, as you immediately proceed to explain the urge. I’d suggest something along the lines of “I contained the urge to laugh in exultation at the return of my powers”


A slight itch onto my skin brought my attention to the dark lines that covered me

itch in my skin


They will suffer a hundred death

deaths


But Loran seems pretty averse to this kind of things…

drop the “s” in “things” or change “this” to “these”


I’m going to kill each and everyone of them

and every one of them


a fury that belied her gentle features. “This is my battle. I’m not going to seat it out.”

to sit it out


So, a child she is no more.

she is a child no more


we ran to the centre of the town, like vengeful hellish hounds.

comma between “vengeful” and “hellish”


not trying in the slightest to sneak on them,

sneak up on


She seemed completely bewildered by the thought of doing neither of the actions her mind was torn between.

“neither of the actions her mind was torn between” sound a bit odd and over-long, especially since it’s all easily replaced with “Nothing”


Do you think you are forced to act in the face of a challenged

of a Challenge


sometimes the best course of action, is to not act.

no comma between “action” and “is”


I asked whether she would have killed him instead.

would have Rather killed


the carcasses of villagers and bandits alike let flowed a tranquil river of blood

the corpses of villagers. I’d say “Carcasses” does work if you want to convey disdain, disrespect, or irreverence (Esp. if a character believes themselves superior whoever’s dead they way MC seems to with humans as a whole). Carcass generally refers to an animal, not a person, that’s all. You are technically correct (The best kind)


A few dozen steps onto the ignominious mass let use stand

let us stand


he held a threatening winged flail, such a dreadful weapon it was especially when coated with bloody shreds of flesh, and in his left he held a strange shield made in a diamond shape, sporting a sharp spike at one end to strike the enemy.

Run on sentence. comma between “was” and “especially”. I’d drop the comma and “and” after flesh and replace that with a period


But he, was undaunted.

Comma after he is unnessesary


all the while his flail wrapped over the other’s legs before pulling it from under him.

wrapped around the other’s … Pulling them out


Though he didn’t quite pleased the Quaesitor.

quite please the Quaesitor


while the two other fell screaming as a deep wound appeared across their chest.

“Chest” should be plural


Orion took the occasion to rush forward, as well as his four allies.

“Orion and his four allies took…” would make this sentence flow better


Nonetheless… I knew he was right, they had horses

nevertheless


I may not have fought this battle by his side, but at the very least, I shall make sure he comes out of it alive.

no comma after least nessesary. you also switch from past to present tense half way through the sentence


I weaved my hand in his direction, feeling threads of my magic launched forward to circle around him and penetrate his skin, strengthening, hardening.

I waved my hand … my magic Launching forward to circle


Don’t let the sorcerer escape! Bring him to me, dead or alive!" Five other soldiers immediately broke from the formation to move toward us, however carefully,

“Him” should be a variable for MC’s gender.


the blade sliced through with as much is as if there was neither shields nor armour.

“With as much is” should be removed


There is also a scene where we collapse and our nose starts bleeding (when we don’t insult or lash out at Loren for sparing the bandit) and it mentions crimson blood. If we are Malkyne this should be some sort of purple.


Every mention of Elikyne and Malkyne needs to be capitalized as they would be proper nouns.

And that’s it from me! Hope this is helpful:blush:

P.s. This forum is a format murdering monster. :sob:

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do you you think an option should be added where the mc basically becomes mentally a child do to amnesia?

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I don’t think so. At least I didn’t plan to.

Yep. :3

Gonna read all that this afternoon.

The Shattered didn’t have a quiet life for sure.

Hey, mad scientists have feelings too. XD

Yeah. It will influence a part of your past. It will also influence the reactions of some characters to you, as well as give you a bonus in different stats.

I just love cliffhangers. XD

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Police officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Driver: I accedently drove over that parked car back there with my tank?

Police officer…no, your missing your rear liscence plate. Please try not to run over cars in the future.

Driver: no promises but I’ll try

Police officer: good enough see you at the family picnic dad.

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Currently working on the next update. It will probably be a small one, just to wrap up this chapter and begin working on the next. I don’t know how much time it will take with the next week being a wall of tests for me… in classes I really can’t be bothered to understand. (Remember kids, too much maths will melt your brain!)

On that note, some self-advertising I forgot to add in case some people who didn’t know the Wight King before they read Shattered come around here:

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Wow. This was amazing. Nice job!

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That was really good.

And the focus on the protagonist being an elf is something I really like, usually in fantasy works here the attention is divided between multiple races, and it somewhat muddles what you can reference and say about the character. But with a set race and character it allows for much deeper storytelling.

Definetely approve.

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Thank you for the compliment, it’s always nice to hear people appreciate my work. :wink:

Yeah. In this story it’s pretty important for the plot that you are an elf. I don’t like games that give you a ton of races to choose from but makes them all not matter or very little (Looking at you Dawn of War 2 Retribution).

I’m not against a bit of variety though if the plot allows it. :blush:

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Hi, it’s your conscious here. Your work is crap. Thank you for your time.

Filthy knife ears

Don’t really have a problem with dark elves.

Is it so we know how plumbing works?

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I dub you Mario the dark elf.

You’ll show those filthy oomans what’s water pressure for.

Now I feel like someone named Conscious is watching over my shoulder when I work.

Honestly, everyone else has a problem with dark elves. The aquilean and ‘top drawer elves’ especially.

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I’m still working on an update for both the Wight King and Shattered, but because of tests and that I’m kinda ill it takes more time than I hoped. :grimacing:

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I hope it’s not a toonish cricket.

Yea they are the more baddass elves.
Wood elves are treehuggers high as a kite.

High elves are noble holier than thou.

And dark elves they are angry and hate nearly everyone and are the ones you gotta worry about possibly shanking you in the night for no reason other than they forgot where they put the sheath
For thier knife.

@taldira happy anniversary cake day.

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Loved it, loved it, loved it.

I didn’t record any typos because I think you’re rewriting it? Nothing major. I didn’t spot any inconsistencies, but I felt like it jumped pretty quickly from daddy giving me my grimoire he’s clobbering soldiers. I thought I missed something.

Looking forward to more!

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Yeah, I will have some work rewriting the prologue and chapter one. I’m going to add some content to places like the grimoire scene that feel somewhat quick to jump from a situation to another.

Well, in this world they’re not really hippies. XD

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I’m going to calmly overlook these insults and take the moral high ground. Hope you feel better soon @bl00dragon

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Hope so too because my brain is basically hot mush by this point.

Don’t know why but I suddenly wondered which kind of elves you loved the most?

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Oooooh. :thinking: I love all elves but I have to say wood elves, with high elves close behind. Dark elves are a little sadistic for my tastes. I quite like the high elf condescending attitude but also the wood elf way of life. But they’re all so awesome. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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Oh no, my nemesis is a meme. Well then again it’s better than the Wright King’s nemesis

“Hi I’m Conscious, I’ll be looking over your shoulder and silently judging you while you work. Occasionally I’ll giggle to just make you feel uncomfortable. And don’t worry about the breathing.”

But Elves invented plumbing…

Plus how do you clean out your ears?

I’m guessing Santa’s.

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Damn it. Now I’ve got to start my list all over again.

giphy

a) huge ear wipes
b) advanced plumbing
c) magic
d) we don’t :smirk: 1000 year old ear wax

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