Fixed, thank you.
Are the ROs all men?
Only Rivera. Dr. Nelson is female and the third one is gender-selectable, I think.
The mayor? Are they the third one?
No, the other RO didnāt appear yet
Yes, thatās correct.
Since there has been a bit of confusion about the ROS, I added a section in the post.
Devlog 6/7/24
Having a sudden creative moment, chapter 1 is already 2k words! Iām hoping to put out an update before my vacation, even if small.
The game has been updated, itās not much but I wanted to add something since I wonāt be able to write anything for the next one/two weeks. Let me know of any errors as usual.
Loving it so far, 1 thing when we get the text from the doctor or detective it has āericā at the start of the text, no idea who Eric is or was it supposed to be the MCās first name?
I forgot a temporary variable(I used it while testing the game) there, in the next update it will be fixed! Thank you for your kind words
Sorry for the lack of updates, I have been busy. Did a quick bug fix and now Iām gonna start working on chapter 1.
Is there any specific feedback you are looking for? I think maybe a short list of questions or general things youād like people to keep in mind would be great to have in the OP. I have some time today and tomorrow and am excited to give it a read.
No, not at all! I liked your WIP post a little while back and kept meaning to actually come back and read it and I honest to god just forgot/the times I would remember I would be like in the grocery store or something. (And Iām sad to say there are a few WIPs on the forum that itās the same case with: I think āOh Iām going to read this later bc Iām busy doing Xā and then I forget until very inopportune moments.)
Aaa thank you for writing a comment, I feel kinda bad now I hope you didnāt feel obligated by my post on the thread
I used to have that in the OP actually! I needed to see how everyoneās stat screen was looking but I removed it in later updates.
Mostly I need feedback on the writing/story itself since English isnāt my main language, but again do not feel obligated to read it! Thank you so much again.
Oh I feel that, I used to keep a thousand tabs open with wips but I never actually read them
Hey, Iām still reading, but here is some feedback! Will add more in another reply when Iām finished. Warning! Iām not an English native:
Feedback
walls an almost blinds
Should be and.
carrying an hybrid
like an horror
Should be a.
Monster, yeah because thatās what you are. Itās what everyone says about you, about āpeopleā like you.
A small suggestion, but maybe a choice along the lines of āPeople shouldnāt call us out for the way we were bornā would be a nice addition?
already know my name, but I shall present myself nonetheless in the spirit of composed etiquette!
No closing ".
But, well If i shall be honest
Capital letter misplaced.
hear the mayor next sentence
The mayorās.
His face has a sort of plastic look to it, the wrinkles stretched so much that you think they might snap at any moment to reveal the muscle underneath.
After this line, maybe an option to sit down simply out of politeness would be fitting?
tear you see?Whatever
tear you see? Whatever
minutes." he scratches
feeling like." he pauses
them." he blows
this one." he sounds more
their reasons." he no longer
about the case." his voice is raspy
Should be H, I think. Could be wrong!
A rain of dust falls from the low hanging ceiling light his arms clashed with.
Maybe Iām stupid, but it took me three times of reading to understand this sentence.
birthday party.The detective
birthday party. The detective
I can assure you of that.
No closing ".
I mean it He seems nice enough
nicer that this puppet
anyoneās sympathy Especially
Warning: skipping any of these rooms will make you miss some important clues, thus making the next choices confusing.
Maybe it should be made clear that āskipping any of these rooms before going upā will make you miss the clues?
The way your body started changing in ways you didnāt understand. Speaking of, how do you feel about it now?
About the trans options: itās not not clear what the choices entail. Letās say Iām a trans woman playing this game, and I choose a female character to play. Then, would the choice to be trans make me a trans man? Can I be a trans person who already transitioned? If not, who will even choose the option to be trans after already picking their gender if that means they want to change it?
Thank you so much wow this is exactly what I needed.
The trans choice was inspired by the cyoa āThe bastard of Camelotā where you can choose your gender at first and then decide if your character suffers from gender dysphoria and in chapter 1 there is an option to decide if you want to change your pronouns. However, I do see how it could be confusing from a readerās perspectiveā¦do you think I should remove the option entirely? Or maybe add something that tells the reader about it I donāt really know.
No, I think an option to be trans is nice! Maybe just add an option to be out as a trans person? So, if Iām a trans woman, I can pick something like āI wasnāt always presenting as a woman, but that changedā. Maybe someone else can add their thoughts.
Alright! I will probably rewrite the whole section then and add the options to be out. Crazy that I, a trans person, am struggling to write this partā¦
Thank you so so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it
I will fix the mistakes and then rewrite the trans options!
I added something like it! Thank you.
Youāre not stupid, Iām sure itās just the way I write being too convoluted for its own good. It means that he raised his arms so fast they clashed with the ceiling light and a rain of dust fell on mc and the mayor.
There should be one, unless it didnāt appear or maybe you mean even more polite?
āSure, I guess it couldnāt hurt to sit down for a bit.ā My legs are sore after having walked all day throughout the city, resting seems ideal right now.