Praise for Not Your Mother’s Shire:
“Had Tolkien been a member of Monty Python, he might have written a story like this–only it would have been good.” -JK ROFL-ing
“Please don’t call me [before writing another hilarious installment I can heartily endorse].” - N. Gayman
“Words fail me.” -Jorge RR. Martinez (the double “r” is one letter in Spanish)
*Jorge went on to specify which words failed him, citing the ones in this book
Progress: 154,784/500k words–30.9%.
To play up to Chapter 7: The Desolation of Frog, click here.
Be ye warned of MATURE CONTENT, including but not limited to: language, violence, nudity, sexuality, sensitive subjects, moral grayness, the death of pure emotion, disillusionment, hair loss, carpal tunnel, etcetera.
Be ye also warned of IMMATURE CONTENT, including but not limited to: slapstick, casual nihilism, self-mockery, disproportionate responses, middling prose and grammar, poor role models, depictions of ugly “isms” like mysogan-ism, racism (of the elf-dwarf, type), feudalism–really, we’re looking to have fun, laugh, and enjoy ourselves at anyone’s expense. ← That’s an example of sarcasm, which is also included at no additional cost.
Meet Bunkisi, the frog-dragon who rules the humans of the jungle duchy. He has power over a person’s fears.
Meet Hazmek, the scorpion-dragon (not crocodile) who rules the dwarves of the desert duchy. Like a mirage, he plays upon a person’s desires.
Meet Tzob, the spider-dragon who rules the half-orcs of the swamp duchy. She has power over a person’s regrets.
Meet Brr-Brr-A, the ruling dragon of the Blizzard Duchy native to the snow elves.
Meet Splosh, the turtle-dragon who rules the Coastal Duchy native to the nautical halflings.
Not Your Mother’s Shire is a medieval comedy in the vein of “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” or Terry Pratchett’s “Discworld” series. Wander the whacky world of Asmar with six eccentric compatriots to decide in each of five duchies whether to support or overthrow the rule of strange and unusual dragons. Make lasting memories with friends, enemies, and lovers as you master the powers of Equilibrium (chaos, order, or not caring) and Timeliness (postcognition, scrying, or precognition).
In Chapter 1, you will decide between gender, race, and orientation options.
Gender: male, female, or non-binary
Race: human, elf, halfling, dwarf, or half-orc
Orientation: someone attracted to men, women, both, or neither
In Chapter 3, you will decide your clothing and appearance.
Clothing: upper and lower body, shoes, and a single accessory. Options range from chainmail bikinis and tartan kilts to plumed hats and sandals. These will effect how other characters behave toward you.
Appearance: eye, skin, and hair colors; hair length and type; body type. These will also effect how other characters behave toward you. Later, you will have the opportunity to change your decisions at a Cosmetic Sorcery Clinic.
Opposed Stat System
Based on player decisions, the opposed stat systems measures:
Muscleness vs. Skillfulness
These are your primary offensive physical stats. They determine whether your approach favors power or precision.
Unbreakable vs. Untouchable
These are your primary defensive physical stats. They determine whether your approach favors resistance or evasion.
Magnetism vs. Omniscience
These stats determines your approach to non-physical problem solving, whether you favor mental or social tactics.
Taskmaster vs. Shiny!
These stats determine your orientation toward either organized and deliberate planning or spontaneous and carefree action.
In Chapter 2, you will acquire the power to manipulate your perception of time.
Timeliness: Determined by whether you gravitate toward the past, present, or future, you will develop powers of postcognition, scrying, or precognition. These are non-combat investigative powers.
In Chapter 4, you will acquire the power to manipulate balance.
Equilibrium: Determined by whether you gravitate toward chaos, order, or not caring, you will develop powers of Yin (destruction), Yang (restoration), or Yolo (dumb luck in the face of dire hazard). These are combat powers.
There are six fixed-race, fixed-gender, player-sexual romanceable NPCs, each with up to ten one-on-one “date” events ascending in intimacy.
EDIT: Zale is now gender-swappable. Whem I’m finished, or maybe before, all ROs will be gender-swappable.
Zale Asmar: a female human sorceress in the Dragonfall.
Vera Haupin: a female dwarf monk in the Dragonfall.
Octo Dhensen: a male human warrior in the Dragonsworn.
Saz Lejamb: a male half-orc ranger in the Dragonsworn.
Trudy Fernasa: a female halfling treasure hunter, independent of faction.
Llorick al Ghantra: a male elf scholar, independent of faction.
02APR21: Edits. Uploaded Chapter 7:The Desolation of Frog (34,063 words)
18MAR21: Edits: Uploaded Chapter 6: Face-Spit Savior? (35,704 words)
07MAR21: Edits. Content warning. Uploaded Chapter 5: Resistance is Feudal (27,814 words)
24FEB21: Edits. Uploaded Chapter 4: Fellowship of the Bling. (18,296 words)
12FEB21: Edits. Uploaded Chapter 3: Something, Something Chainmail Bikini. (15,683 words)
07FEB21: Edits. Save feature. Uploaded Chapter 2: Bunnies and Truth Bombs. (7,173 words)
02FEB21: Started thread. Uploaded Chapter 1: My Home is Green (6,855 words)
Thanks so much for your time and interest. Cheers!