[WiP] Knight of the Fellowship


#1

Here is my next interactive novel, in which you play the role of a benevolent knight who has to reveal and put an end to a dark secret threatening the surface world… or help get things in motion.

There are 8 romantic options available near the end of the story.

I hope you enjoy it :slight_smile:

P.S.: A few people asked for a Dashingdon link, so here it is:
– Link Removed –


#2

You can host the game on Dashingdon. Then you won’t have to upload the file to dropbox.


#3

The stats screen looks bare. It would be good if relationships and skills were shown in percentage.


#4

Playing through the game, found a couple minor spelling errors… Very good so far!
Within

any of your brethren withing the Fellowship.

warrior

It is an extension of the soul of the worrior

cloud

or any other substance that can could the judgement.

Missing to

I am pleased to introduce you __ the newest member

This one’s more a word-order problem- it’s not wrong, it’s just a little more awkward than it has to be.
I think it would read better if it were arranged like this
’ I am sure he could help you become a better knight.’

I am sure he could help you get into being a knight better.

This part’s not very clear… Too many pronouns…

until he accidentally broke one potions she was carrying for a very influential client. He had to pay double or else…"

I think this needs revision…I think the gist of this section is
’Luckily for you, I am uninjured and so able to free my mind from the experience of pain in regard to what in you participated in, the assault of the warrior standing before you," you say.’

Or an even shorter version is, ’ Since I’m not hurt, I can forgive what you did to this body and move forward with you as a comrade of light.’

Luckily for me, I am not hurt enough to not be able to free my mind from the experience of pain in regard to what in you participated in, the assault of the warrior standing before you," you say.

Should be bubbles

Occasionally, the popping baubles bring bones to the surface

Should be wondering

Wandering whether to put the helmet on

This just needs a $ instead of #

“You can call me #{name}.” Her grip is quite strong, probably a result of a lot of training with the longsword resting at her waist.

I’m confused…:upside_down:

You look at your eyes…

It takes us a second to think over what you are saying and then bursts into laughter.

should be ‘it is I…’

It is me who asked to hear your story

I think you mean lead

“Thank you but I want to leave a simple life and to be part of a benevolent organization…”

The necromancer scene was well written, but I think it would help if you used the *disable_reuse command at the top of the file…
That way, the options the player has already used are still there, just greyed-out…
That makes it easier for players to track what they’ve already said and escape the conversation-loop more quickly and easily…

I really like what you have, I think you’ll have a very fun and complex game if keep going the way you are! :slight_smile:


#5

The first page has the same content twice.


#6

There seems to be a bug in the first screen, just use the 2nd set of options.


#7

It was her brother so the pronoun should have been he.


"much"


It doesn’t say exactly how much it increase.

There should have been a question mark.

"not"

Just"soul"

At the barrack I did found a warrior to recruit for my team but his name was different. I don’t remember it but it starts with M


#8

This game seems like the perfect combination of an rpg and interactive fiction. It’s beautifully narrated with a very interesting plot.
Now the only problem I have is with the romance section. You don’t really get to spend a lot of time with the ROs and the final selection seems too sudden. Perhaps you could include the romance with the main story part instead of putting it at the end. Maybe at the end of the story your soul commander asks whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with your significant other instead of asking which one you want to romance.
And another minor problem I had was that sometime modern english mixes with the medieval universe that you created. For example when you joke about Amy using a pick up line that is common amongst men. Now back at that time people didn’t exactly used to say pick up line did they?


#9

And if this is your final draft of the story then you should move it into the ‘Hosted Games Beta’ category.


#10

Can’t get in game you need the Dropbox or something better


#11

“My name is Sergeant Amy.” The red-haired beauty introduces herself with a smile.

“You can call me #{name}.” Her grip is quite strong, probably a result of a lot of training with the longsword resting at her waist. She wears a long chainmail dress with a tabard with the emblem of the town militia.

#{name}


#12

This game seems promising. There are a few obvious coding errors that you are going to want to fix. The repeated text on the first page and the double choice box at the opening and the place where you want the story to say Amy and instead it says #[name]. But with some polishing I think this will be quite well received.


#13

The “benevolent” part, stopped me from ever reading this…


#14

When are you able to use Dashington or sonething else? On mobile, I can’t chose either choice.


#15

Thank you very much for all the hard work on finding those typos and comments. I will include acknowledgements that you can see when the game hopefully comes out.

It is the first time I hear about Dashington, maybe I should check it out.


#16

I cannot access the beta. I think using dropbox has something to do with it?


#17

Here is the link to DashingDon with the corrections:

https://dashingdon.com/play/mayday/knight-of-the-fellowship-/mygame/index.php?cb=21280


#18

I finally got the time to finish reading this although I died, died again and finally died for real in the story :slight_smile: I know this is an old thread but I’m guessing it’s going to be submitted as I think it’s finished, so here’s a few comments and typos if you want them:

Spoilers below

Just leave me in the suburbs.

*Would they have had suburbs?


The beige horse seems to be a bit perplexed, clearly sensing the change “you” went through, but you pet him a lot to calm him down before getting on his back and allowing the archer to take place behind you.
*Horses aren’t beige, I think the colour you’re looking for might be palamino, chestnut or buckskin?
*Take her place?


The archer lady is being awfully nice to you for someone who was supposed to kill you without explanation, even if you did help her out of the barn. You’d think she’d be more hostile or at least suspicious of your motives.

I’m also surprised you let her go without explanation. How can you be sure she won’t kill you again (she already did once) or at least wouldn’t you question her about the reason she was hunting you or her employer if it was just a job? Considering she was left to die in a burning barn, she probably doesn’t have a lot of loyalty left to the people she’s working for.


And he is so pesky. When he invited me for dinner, I had to fight my desire to momentarily slay him.

*That sounds like a harsh thing to say about someone who just saved your friend’s life. More explanation as to why she hates him that much?


You find Fresca hot

*Considering the time frame this is set in, maybe a different word (attractive, beautiful, comely etc)?


If the archer is a RO, may be worth describing her a bit more (what she looks like, what she sounds like etc).


As soon as you take the sword in order to examine it closely, the steal crumble on the floor, making you swear at the trickery you are observing.
*steel crumbles


“I am glad to see you, Linda. You don’t come here very often so I learn more about your deeds from others than you. What can I do to help you?”

*You don’t visit here often so I’ve had to learn about your deeds from others (?)


To make matters worse, he puts it in a bucket full of water. The result is a cloud of steam that makes breathing even worse.

*breathing difficult.


His chiselled arms wield a pair of pliers and a heavy hammer with which he hits again and again (possibly spraying sweat everywhere).

*Possibly spraying sweat<- is he or isn’t he? I’d have it one way or the other (not in brackets as a maybe) as you’d be able to see it.


Master Yan looks you in the eye. "I don’t hear such stories every day and this is actually the first walk-in I speak to

*spoken to


“I thought it was a pick-up line only men used.”

*That kind of sounds like an innapropriate response to someone approaching you in a professional capacity. Maybe reword?


Amy and you run towards him, your armour dinging in the process.

*I don’t understand “dinging” in this context?


Amy looks up, probably hinted by her intuition.

*tipped off rather than “hinted”?


Yes, I am a practitioner of the dark arts and I really tried to get rid of that clown of a snake.

*Clown of a snake? Maybe rephrase? Seems conflicting.


That is all I would ask of you," you say and look at Amy for confirmation. You take her lack of reaction for an silent statement that she has nothing to add.

“Then I will leave you alone and wish you a pleasant night.” Moonshadow chuckles and slowly walks away.

*Why would Amy let the necromancer walk away? He just tried to assassinate a priest and there is no current basis to his accusations. Isn’t it her job to arrest people like that? Might need more explanation as to why she doesn’t act or have the necromancer pull a disappearing act.


I was worried about you, Linda. Yesterday morning you were still very injured and still you enrolled for a nigh patrolling shift.

*night


Joke that it was her fault that she had been able to diagnose those

*that she was NOT able to diagnose those? (Doesn’t sound like a joke though. Maybe you make a snide comment?)


Now, go with peace before any of my jailers finds you."

*before my gaolers find


I have never been keen on that Temple. Many times I’ve met with their priest but I always get their cold radiance that feels repugnant.

*priest, but their cold radiance has a repugnant feel to it.


So, if you go there and manage to borrow some stuff, I would be very happy.

*Should “borrow” be in inverted commas? It sounds like he’s asking you to steal it.


holy anaconda.

I laughed when I read this. I think this is the only time I have ever seen those two words together.


*These is a trace of unease within you.


Amy turns out, just as you expected.

*turns up?


“I doubt, Linda. The temple is too influential and guards its secrets too aggressively. Without a clue, I doubt any of them would like to intervene.”

*I doubt twice, I’d probably get rid of the first one.


“Nope. But what do we do now? It sounds stupid to just go in there and talk with the High Priest. Even if he doesn’t let us conduct our investigation, we may still learn something?”

Do you mean to just go in there and NOT talk?


You chuckle. “No way.” You put your breastplate off and put it next to her armor near the roots of a low and wide tree.

You should probably have a choice for that.
ie “No way.”, Laugh at the joke, etc. (Especially as it is implied that you find Amy attractive by saying that.)


It takes you some time to figure out where that templer must have come from. You start pushing the tales of the wall and a couple of the give way, opening and revealing a adder descends to a corridor leading underground.

*I don’t understand this paragraph. I think adder is ladder, but I don’t understand what pushing the tales are.
*Templar?


"I am somebody who left his trails in some of what the human race as you know it is.

  • I don’t understand this sentence. “left his trails?”

You have to take the amulet in the under the temple, there’s not a “no” option


Ask her to take a few pieces of egg shells from one that has hatched

*Ask if you can take


“Now I realize why I was so anxious to have me released from the debt to you,” says Misery, appearing through the door, but staying at the threshold. “I don’t want to face this monster, but I can’t leave without lending you a hand. I carry the name for a reason, as misery is what I am best at causing,” she says and throw a potion at Surguras, making him whine and curse in pain.

I’m not sure if this is a glitch. I don’t know who Misery is or why she’s helping us?



#19

Thank you very much, dear @Jacic. I will pay attention to all the comments and make the necessary changes when I have a bit more time. It seems the list of Hosted Games to come out before it is quite long. I mean, it is not even on it yet :slight_smile:


#20

No problem. Hope it’s helpful :slight_smile: Yes there seems to be quite a few games on the list at the moment!

(And I might be wrong about gaolers come to think of it, I think you can have" jailers" as an American spelling, just drop the “s” of finds)