I finally got the time to finish reading this although I died, died again and finally died for real in the story I know this is an old thread but I’m guessing it’s going to be submitted as I think it’s finished, so here’s a few comments and typos if you want them:
Just leave me in the suburbs.
*Would they have had suburbs?
The beige horse seems to be a bit perplexed, clearly sensing the change “you” went through, but you pet him a lot to calm him down before getting on his back and allowing the archer to take place behind you.
*Horses aren’t beige, I think the colour you’re looking for might be palamino, chestnut or buckskin?
*Take her place?
The archer lady is being awfully nice to you for someone who was supposed to kill you without explanation, even if you did help her out of the barn. You’d think she’d be more hostile or at least suspicious of your motives.
I’m also surprised you let her go without explanation. How can you be sure she won’t kill you again (she already did once) or at least wouldn’t you question her about the reason she was hunting you or her employer if it was just a job? Considering she was left to die in a burning barn, she probably doesn’t have a lot of loyalty left to the people she’s working for.
And he is so pesky. When he invited me for dinner, I had to fight my desire to momentarily slay him.
*That sounds like a harsh thing to say about someone who just saved your friend’s life. More explanation as to why she hates him that much?
You find Fresca hot
*Considering the time frame this is set in, maybe a different word (attractive, beautiful, comely etc)?
If the archer is a RO, may be worth describing her a bit more (what she looks like, what she sounds like etc).
As soon as you take the sword in order to examine it closely, the steal crumble on the floor, making you swear at the trickery you are observing.
“I am glad to see you, Linda. You don’t come here very often so I learn more about your deeds from others than you. What can I do to help you?”
*You don’t visit here often so I’ve had to learn about your deeds from others (?)
To make matters worse, he puts it in a bucket full of water. The result is a cloud of steam that makes breathing even worse.
His chiselled arms wield a pair of pliers and a heavy hammer with which he hits again and again (possibly spraying sweat everywhere).
*Possibly spraying sweat<- is he or isn’t he? I’d have it one way or the other (not in brackets as a maybe) as you’d be able to see it.
Master Yan looks you in the eye. "I don’t hear such stories every day and this is actually the first walk-in I speak to
“I thought it was a pick-up line only men used.”
*That kind of sounds like an innapropriate response to someone approaching you in a professional capacity. Maybe reword?
Amy and you run towards him, your armour dinging in the process.
*I don’t understand “dinging” in this context?
Amy looks up, probably hinted by her intuition.
*tipped off rather than “hinted”?
Yes, I am a practitioner of the dark arts and I really tried to get rid of that clown of a snake.
*Clown of a snake? Maybe rephrase? Seems conflicting.
That is all I would ask of you," you say and look at Amy for confirmation. You take her lack of reaction for an silent statement that she has nothing to add.
“Then I will leave you alone and wish you a pleasant night.” Moonshadow chuckles and slowly walks away.
*Why would Amy let the necromancer walk away? He just tried to assassinate a priest and there is no current basis to his accusations. Isn’t it her job to arrest people like that? Might need more explanation as to why she doesn’t act or have the necromancer pull a disappearing act.
I was worried about you, Linda. Yesterday morning you were still very injured and still you enrolled for a nigh patrolling shift.
Joke that it was her fault that she had been able to diagnose those
*that she was NOT able to diagnose those? (Doesn’t sound like a joke though. Maybe you make a snide comment?)
Now, go with peace before any of my jailers finds you."
*before my gaolers find
I have never been keen on that Temple. Many times I’ve met with their priest but I always get their cold radiance that feels repugnant.
*priest, but their cold radiance has a repugnant feel to it.
So, if you go there and manage to borrow some stuff, I would be very happy.
*Should “borrow” be in inverted commas? It sounds like he’s asking you to steal it.
I laughed when I read this. I think this is the only time I have ever seen those two words together.
*These is a trace of unease within you.
Amy turns out, just as you expected.
“I doubt, Linda. The temple is too influential and guards its secrets too aggressively. Without a clue, I doubt any of them would like to intervene.”
*I doubt twice, I’d probably get rid of the first one.
“Nope. But what do we do now? It sounds stupid to just go in there and talk with the High Priest. Even if he doesn’t let us conduct our investigation, we may still learn something?”
Do you mean to just go in there and NOT talk?
You chuckle. “No way.” You put your breastplate off and put it next to her armor near the roots of a low and wide tree.
You should probably have a choice for that.
ie “No way.”, Laugh at the joke, etc. (Especially as it is implied that you find Amy attractive by saying that.)
It takes you some time to figure out where that templer must have come from. You start pushing the tales of the wall and a couple of the give way, opening and revealing a adder descends to a corridor leading underground.
*I don’t understand this paragraph. I think adder is ladder, but I don’t understand what pushing the tales are.
"I am somebody who left his trails in some of what the human race as you know it is.
- I don’t understand this sentence. “left his trails?”
You have to take the amulet in the under the temple, there’s not a “no” option
Ask her to take a few pieces of egg shells from one that has hatched
*Ask if you can take
“Now I realize why I was so anxious to have me released from the debt to you,” says Misery, appearing through the door, but staying at the threshold. “I don’t want to face this monster, but I can’t leave without lending you a hand. I carry the name for a reason, as misery is what I am best at causing,” she says and throw a potion at Surguras, making him whine and curse in pain.
I’m not sure if this is a glitch. I don’t know who Misery is or why she’s helping us?