[WIP] Chronicle of Egrus

[Jo_Wright]

yes, you do not have to romance/marry someone. Depending on your objective, you can be evil overlord, or the destroyer of the world, or anything. I will try to include multiple routes here.

[idonotlikeusernames]

As far as marriage goes Cassius may be more my mc’s speed, though the other prince does sound nice.
It all depends I like nice guys well enough too as long as they’re preferably fashionable gentlemen with their own personality and secrets (look at Altair in Keeper, for example) and not bland.

[DontJudge]

[Demigod_Knight]

This shows up whenever I try to access the stats

[DontJudge]

The option where you ask to learn about the princess is broken.

[Arcane_warrior]

So i can burn peoples lands to the ground well i hope i can.

[DontJudge]

So the Mc doesn’t get magic?

[Umbreonpanda]

Seem interesting so far. Looking forward of further introduction of the other RI. I l already know who to romance. :]

Summary

a small mistake

pressing “show stats” show this instead

[filopay]

It is resolved Yay, I can keep on reading now!
Have you thought of implementing a save system perhaps? Always makes it easier to test out different options for errors.

[expectedoperator]

This was pretty interesting. I liked the intrigue of all the characters, and how the player can simply say they need more information without having to decide right away for certain choices. I also liked what we’ve seen so far of the setting and worldbuilding – Ashar certainly seems like an interesting place.

My biggest complaint is that it’s difficult to tell when events actually happened, such as the Insurgent War or the rebellions, and that having so many place/character names being introduced so quickly can be confusing. Perhaps there can be a character and info page on the stats screen that’s similar to the info on the first post? Also, perhaps I missed it, but how old is the MC?

Typos and stuff

She tries to grapple for control, but the promise of sweet slumber suddenly becomes too tempting to refuse. Then the survival instinct kicks in and she panics, adrenaline surging through her veins, and then -
I would reword this part slightly so the pacing of the words reflects how quickly Helen goes from falling unconscious to panicking – both the “suddenly” in the first sentence and the first “then” in the second feel like they are slowing down the story.

Helen suddenly feels that all the pain has gone.
Same thing like before – I’d remove the “suddenly” here and reword this slightly so the pacing reflects how fast Helen’s pain disappears.

She squeezes her hand, “there is something you must know.”
I’d capitalize “there” since it’s at the start of the dialogue.

“It’s about your husband.” Qikuna said, and suddenly Helen finds her at the centre of a battle field.
Change the period after “husband” to a comma, “battle field” should be “battlefield”.

Instantly she knows it one of those battles between her husband and the southern rebels.
Same thing like the use of “suddenly”, I’d remove the “instantly” here – or perhaps keep it but move the sentence so it’s second in the paragraph, allowing the reader to get a sense that they are looking at the battle through Helen’s eyes in real time.

She sees her husband, King Alaric, with a golden sword in hand, freezes in the midst of him charging at the enemy general.
Change “freezes” to “frozen”.

“That’s… Duarus.” Helen says, surprised.
Change the period after “Duarus” to a comma.

There is the third one.
I’d change “the” to “a” since this is the first introduction of the figure – although I’m not sure if it would it be “third” or “fourth” since the King, Duarus, and Soses were already pointed out in the scene.

With…
Perhaps reword this part so that the player knows in advance that this is connected to eye color.

others
Change this to “other”.

“Your future child.” as if she can read minds, Qikuna quietly voices Helen’s thought out.
I’d reword the second sentence so it ends with the idea of Qikuna reading minds, although depending on how you write it the period after “child” may need to be turned into a comma.

Oh, those eyes … they are eyes that have seen too much sufferings.
“Sufferings” should be “suffering”.

“I don’t think I deserve this.” Qikuna continues as Helen stares,
Change the period after “this” to a comma.

Then Helen sees a metallic flash of light that reflects from something in the enemy’s hands.
I’d remove the “then” here so the reader doesn’t get any sense of warning about the dagger.

the king falls backwards to expose a great patch of crimson on his belly.The enemy general raises his sword - he finishes her husband off in a swift motion.
Add a space between these new sentences.

Helen swirls around and glares at the goddess.
Turn this (and the rest of the sentences) into a new paragraph.

"why is it called that way?
Change “why” to “Why” since it’s a new sentence in the dialogue.

It is King Richard who demands the historians to call it that way."
Change “demands” to “demanded”.

Her eyes are of a rare shade of cornflower blue -
I’d change the hyphen to a period.

Still, sometimes you wonder, does valerie inherit more than just her mother’s looks?
“valerie” should be “Valerie”.

“He sent lobbists to persuade some Ospean nobles to join him, with the promise of lands and titles.”
“lobbists” should be “lobbyists”, change the period to a comma.

As soon as Alberta gives the permission, Valerie stands up . “I am going out to the city.” She declares.
Remove the space between the period and “up”, change the period after “city” to a comma, change “She” to “she”.

Presently the Queen’s place is empty, so as many other seats.
I’d change “so as many” to “as are many”.

However, Cassius is never a man who reconciles with failures, so he simply decides to try again in the game of power - in another country.
Change “decides” to “decided”.

Your mother said that one of his attempts, allegedly, is to scheme with Southern lords to rebel against the crown, and that partly contributed to your father’s death.
Change “is” to “was”.

He asks, “may I sit down?”
I’d change “may” to “May”.

“Between Prince Feodor and my daughter, I suppose.” Your mother says.
Change the period after “suppose” to a comma and “Your” to “your” for both options.

“however I believe it is prudent to have the Princess’s opinion considered.”
I’d change “however” to “However”.

She favours Feodor sister, Thea, as the future ruler of Ashar.
Change “Feodor” to “Feodor’s”.

The corner of Cassius’s mouth quirks up slightly as he acknowledges your consent. “Splendid.” He comments, but his eyes betray no emotions.
Perhaps move the “his eyes betray no emotions” part to the first sentence and have the paragraph end at “Splendid”.

“It is wise to be prepared.”
Change the period to a comma.

The last poor harvest has led to a rebellion, and many southern men were killed. It takes your mother and Lord Gabriel almost five years to bring the kingdom together again.
I’d remove the “has” in the first sentence and change “takes” to “took”.

If you presentyour case properly, these lords may listen.
Add a space between “present” and “your”.

Lord Gabriel raises an eyebrow. “Perhaps you have spent too much time with Valerie. If she were here, she would have advocated your proposal.” And then the meeting drones on.
I would make everything from “Lord” to “proposal” its own paragraph, and then start the next paragraph with “And then the meeting goes on.”

You think you might belost, until you come across a small, unasuming temple in front of you.
Add a space between “be” and “lost”, “unasuming” should be “unassuming”.

They are Qikuna and Duarus, you quickly realises.
“realises” should be “realise”.

You are not quite sure, because your tutor seldom talks about the religion in her lectures.
If the MC isn’t quite sure about what Ascendance is perhaps add that to this sentence – otherwise it’s hard to tell what they aren’t sure of.

Perhaps your mother do not believe in them.
“do” should be “does”.

“The gods mean well.” You mutter to yourself. Maybe your mother is wrong.
I’d change the period after “well” to comma and have “You” as you.

You feel uncomforatble with this thought, but you are not going to argue with your mother for this.
“uncomforatble” should be “uncomfortable” and I’d change “for this” to “about this”.

“Well, I don’t think they deserve our worship, either.” You tell yourself.
Change the period after “either” to a comma, change “You” to “you”.

shrug. You have not formed an opinion yet.
Capitalize “shrug”.

Perhaps the rebellion changes that.
I’d have “changes” as “changed” since the rebellion already happened.

Looking forward to meeting the other characters!