Voltaic [Ch: 1/7] | Last Update: 3/12/19

young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
science-fiction
gender-choice
#41

Sounds interesting!

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#42

As easy as it’d be to just let Carlton be an option that’s easy to obtain, it’s not really that interesting nor does it fit the what my story is about. This isn’t supposed to be an easy choice - you’re supposed to question whether you value a romantic relationship over a close friendship, or vice versa. And again, this story isn’t meant to be suited to pursuing a romantic interest. Getting together with the ROs is supposed to be difficult in this story because each choice you make has long-reaching effects that impacts other people.

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#43

To be fair I’m not really interested in the romance aspects and more with the central plot, I’ve been wanting to read since you posted in the interest check thread, i guess my comments was just due to my own views getting in the way, it’s nice to see a cg with this impact on mc and their bff relationship, will people who Romance Olivia have a equal delicate situation to dealt with? Si far I’m really enjoying throwing insults with Madison, I’m probably gonna have bad relationships with everyone because firebrand all the way.

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#44

I’m glad you’re enjoying the firebrand option! As for Olivia, she is not a romance option. :stuck_out_tongue:

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#45

I got her Mixed up, i meant Sabrina the goth girl lol

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#46

Sabrina won’t cause any difficulties with other characters, but she will be hard to romance because she’s had a rough life.

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#47

It’s interesting can’t wait for more

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#48

I really enjoyed the demo so far. Psychological thrillers are right up my alley, so I hope you continue with this project.

I did notice one error:

“Yeah, isn’t they soooooo lovely?” Madison mocks. “Just the kindest person.”

One suggestion: I see what you’re going for with the stats block off options thing, but maybe have it come into play later in the game? I feel like introducing this mechanic too soon runs the risk of creating a cycle where you pick choice X, raising stat X, limiting you to X choices, which further raise stat X, further limiting you and so on.

In my play through, I made a handful of middle of the road choices (ignored Madison, asked both Madison and Adrian to stay, didn’t flirt with either RO) and all of a sudden I only had 2/5 options.

Which just felt sudden this soon into the game.

Overall, awesome job, I look forward to seeing what you do with this cool premise.

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#49

Oof, yeah. Okay, maybe I got a bit ambitious there. :sweat_smile: I’ll fix that one up and make sure to be aware of that cycle. Thank you for the bug reports as well!

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#50

Hey @trevers17 -

I read your beginning and will be keeping an eye on your progress. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

With that being said, I have a few thoughts (feedback) to share:

1: The setting brings back memories … I’ve been almost every character you have in one form or another … from the new invitee to the organizer of such gatherings, so good job there.

2: A couple of choices had my preferred choice grayed out or it did not exist. For example: the choice beginning with:

had no choice to accompany Adrian(?) to set up the camp… something I would have jumped at. It might because of plot reasons but you should at least address the possible want of a reader to go up the trail with him.

The second time I felt the choice I wanted was unavailable was when the red beenie guy and Olivia are sniping at each other. You had a choice about being nice to the guy but still supporting your friend … it was grayed out on me so I was forced to be not involved… I did not want to be aggressive or to be passive-aggressive but at the same time I did not want to just let him walk all over a friend…

3: I feel like the scene is super compacted … everything is wam-bam one thing after another. I would have liked a little more dialogue and set-up material during the scene. For example, is Madison, Olivia and me involved in the prep-squad somehow or are they involved but the MC isn’t?

It is these little details that make a difference in the dynamics involved between friends and I feel like I should be in possession of a bit more of those details to really grasp what is going on.

Back to writing for me but I am super glad you opened your writing to the community - thanks! :two_hearts:

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#51

lol I’m in the minority it seems that I prefer Carlton to Adrian.

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#52

To be fair, Madison doesn’t really provide many openings for flirting and seems to have the exact same relationship with the MC as Beatrice with Benedict in Much Ado About Nothing.

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#53

I definitely will be addressing that now, no worries.

Yep, I’m gonna remove all but one of the stat checks there. The only one that’s going to keep the stat check is the “signal to Madison” choice.

That’s a good suggestion, and I was planning on addressing those choices anyway considering the reused text caused issues there. I didn’t really go in much further on the pep squad since it was a minor detail, but I’ll expand that section a bit and look for other opportunities to add in more dialogue.

I’m glad to hear you like him!

Madison doesn’t have any openings for flirting because she’s not an RO. :sweat_smile: I wouldn’t really consider them the same as Beatrice and Benedict, but that’s mostly because I know where MC and Madison are going to end up by the end of the story.

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#54

But when talking to Sabrina we can tell her we would like to fix things with Madison. Maybe it could evolve into romance. I get you’re trying to be mysterious about whatever happened between the MC and Mads but I think it’s the wrong move. If we don’t wanna share it with others that’s one thing but not knowing it even ourselves feels weird.

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#55

You can’t really expect readers to draw conclusions from information only you have. All we know is that Madison and the MC used to be close, but now they bicker constantly due to some disagreement in the past… which is exactly what we know about Beatrice and Benedict at the beginning of the play.

Well ok, I’m a bit iffy on the B&B used to be friends part. It’s been a while since I read that script, but it’s still very close to a well established trope, which is my point.

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#56

“Fix” things meaning “fix their friendship.” There’s absolutely an event that tore them apart (which is discussed in Madison’s character bio and is referenced in the text on one of the choice options prior to the “do you want to fix your friendship” choice), but there was never any romantic interest between Madison and MC. I don’t really think she’s suitable for a romance route. She has nothing but resentment for MC, so a romance route wouldn’t make any sense. And, again, this story isn’t meant to be suitable to romance to begin with.

The actual event will be addressed in future chapters, but I’m not addressing it right out of the gate because that’s boring. :stuck_out_tongue: I’m obviously going to wait until tensions with Madison have increased to a point where they have to talk about it. I’m sorry that you don’t like that I’m not laying every card on the table in Chapter 1, but this is still, at heart, a story, and I want to have some things be revealed later. The event is a pretty serious event that would have a major impact on anyone’s relationship, so I want to give it the importance it deserves.

I expect readers to see that Madison clearly does not like the MC at all based on her behavior towards them and naturally assume that she has zero interest in pursuing any romance with them. I’m not exactly sure what else readers could possibly need to reach that conclusion. I’m trying not to have Madison calling MC a worthless scourge or punch them in the face right out of the gate. I’m writing a story, I have to consider how people would actually behave in these scenarios. Madison might be rude and callous, but I want her to be humanely so. Going for the jugular within the first chapter just isn’t realistic.

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#57

Maybe what you could do is have an option to flirt with her and to have her turn MC down flat out making her intentions incredibly clear?

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#58

Just to be clear, I’m not telling you how to write your story. Just that you should probably expect readers of your fiction to expect tropes over reality.

This is also a romance trope though. And it would likely add even more confusion because now you’ve opened up an actual in game acknowledgement of the potential for a romance which people apparently want. I mean, I personally find Madison the most interesting.

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#59

I think this is where a little more dialogue and background inserted into the opening scene could help. Many Otome types of games and virtual novels have the romantic interest that fight or argue with each other all the time.

As a matter of fact, one just released this month called: “Tailor Tales” has two types of responses to your possible RO’s - “fierce” or “kind” … so for people looking into romance of the “fierce” nature Madison would be who they were possibly looking for…

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#60

You can always subvert a trope. It makes things more interesting. :slight_smile:

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