Villain: The Catalyst [Minor Update and Poll - 09/08/18 - ]

super-powers
young-adult-fiction
gender-choice

#61

Yea, your power class will change in a way lol.

@Kiogu1 Are you talking about your dad?


#62

Sorry, I’m talking about Ezekiel. (too many games :smile:)


#63

Lol ahh I gotta ya, and yea there’s a way to beat him.


#64

Thanks for sharing that information!


#65
Grammar Mistakes

“I see you have one with humor, Agent” the Dean says, not cracking a smile as she eyes you.

are

Why is the dean asking for our hair/eye color shouldn’t she just see ?

Great, you now had one of these.

have

"Come. As we walk and I introduce you to some of the areas, you may ask me questions.”

I’ll introduce you to some of the areas, you may ask me questions as we walk

As you follow behind her, you realize that the officers and the agent was not following behind you.

Were

And there should not be behind as following happens only from back and not front and it also sounds grammatically wierd :stuck_out_tongue:

“Have you ever heard of them?”

Since we asked the question first that should be never

“Seems like my reputation proceeds me.”

precedes

You have a small want to ask her about them but maybe that would be deemed as rude.

herself

The squirrel seems to perk up, walking over to you and licking you before darting back over to Chels’s side.

No need for a quote there

It causes you to wonder how far the academies walls go.

academy’s


#66

Wouldn’t ‘are’ make it seem as if the Dean is saying that the Agent has humor?

And sure, but her backs turned to you at the time and for me to allow you to go ahead and pick it, that seemed like the best way.

Not speaking for the grammatically weird part, but it does take place behind you, they’re not in front of you.

The ‘them’ refer to her ears, so wouldn’t changing that to herself make it seem as if I’m curious about all of her and not just her ears?


#67

Hey there! You have a good WIP going on but its verbosity hampers it from becoming a good story. Examples in point:

  • Get up, you scream to yourself as you attempt to stand. You suddenly scream as pain shoots through your side, causing your mid-section to contort.
    too many “screams” in one paragraph, and a simple italicized “Get up” could have sufficed in your first sentence
  • This feeling, it feels foreign.
    This feeling. It’s foreign. Too many “feels” in one sentence otherwise.
  • As if you were watching someone else go through this and the pain you were feeling, was simply from you being sympathetic. But that was simply your mind playing tricks on you, adamant about not accepting what was taking place.
    This could be stated in simpler terms.
  • You also seem to have a problem with tense consistency. This IMO is the most glaring problem since it keeps jarring me out of the story.

I’ve only read the intro so far, and while I think you have a good story going, it can still be polished. I recommend going over your work again and eliminating redundant words, or get someone else to look at it for you. :smiley:

Still, this is a work in progress. Good job on your draft so far!


#68

In regard to this update, there is a . . . puzzle clue thingy . . . at the end that I need a bit of feedback on. I wanted it to be difficult, but I don’t know if it it’s too difficult. Two of my friends were able to figure it out on their own, one needed help, and two others couldn’t.

So, for those who get to this area I’d like to know what you think and if I should change it. Again, I do want this to be hard, just not too hard to where no one gets it. I do advise actually writing your findings down once you’ve gathered everything and discussed it with the members. I’d also be happy to answer any questions in case you’re jut confused.

Thanks. :sweat_smile:


#69

I dont know about everyone else, but the puzzle is VERY hard


#70

Might want to dial the puzzle back a bit since i tried 5 combinations and they were all wrong.

Most people are probably just going to look up the answer when the full game is out.

But that’s just my opinion.


#71

I think I know the pattern but I can’t figure it out. Going to keep trying though.


#72

This password is hard but i keep trying !

This quote of romeo and juliet … Any ideas ?


#73

Jeez, that’s hard! Think that needs to change.


#74

In reference to the quote, simply use the RJ part for Romeo and Juliet, it goes in one of the AA or BB slots.

So I’m probably going to change it, do you guys have any thoughts on how I should? I’ll keep the clues but either make some things more obvious or take out some components to make it easier.


#75

I think it either goes RJGB_0922(something here) or GBRJ_0922(something here) but I can’t figure out what goes in the something here. I was thinking her first name but it didn’t work.


#76

And the second one is correct,: +1: the (something here) you’re close, but it’s her last name.


#77

It’s not too hard but I think you should tweak it just a bit and have it be a bit more obvious with the hints. Still fun to figure out. Plus it’s not like there’s multiple passwords so it’s just one and done.


#78

Guys, I figured it out. It’s GBRJ_0922Lawrence


#79

Big number of continuity errors for the Academy scene.

Regarding the characters, the game assume you already them even if you haven’t met most of them yet:

It doesn’t explain the MC’s non-reaction to Toni’s appearance at the school, given how the MC basically stated it’s unlikely to happen. The scene the day after assumes you already know the characters. Lots of similar stuff, really.

Edit: Ahh… I see the problem with the sparring scene. You set the character variable as True even before we met them.
image
This shouldn’t be at the beginning of the scene, but rather, after each character’s description.

Edit2: And that sudden scene-cut right after asking for our motivation for being a villain. Makes it confusing. A little.

Edit3: And it’s not the only abrupt scene-cut. It’s pretty much littered all over that chapter.


#80

I really love it when there are these sort of puzzle type things in IF games.
Personally, I didn’t find it difficult but judging by some of the previous comments I think I agree with @Ardit_Maloku that maybe making the hints a bit more obvious would help.