I’ll Kill a guard and take their uniform as a disguise.
Don’t need: Caps for ‘kill’, should be:
I’ll kill a guard and take their uniform as a disguise.
The Agency is pleased at your work.
Don’t need: ‘at your’, should be: (although I suppose it’s readable both ways, this way is simply easier to read/ understand.)
The Agency is pleased with your work.
How do you decide to fool the security guards?You…
to:
How do you decide to fool the security guards? You…
Just before the guard starts frisking you, you tell her,“Looking good today, my lady!”
to
Just before the guard starts frisking you, you tell her, “looking good today, my lady!”
You slowly wake up to the sound of an alarm ringing. You wake up slowly…
Perhaps unneeded repetition? Unless used for emphasis you could remove one of the ‘you wake up slowly’('s) to:
You slowly wake up to the sound of an alarm ringing. Suddenly you remember the day.
It’s your 10th birthday! It’s the only day of the year when you can live freely, Yay!You rush out of your bed and start shouting,“Mom!Dad!”
Just the spacing between punctuation, to:
It’s your 10th birthday! It’s the only day of the year when you can live freely, yay! You rush out of your bed and start shouting, “Mom! Dad!”
…what do you want?"She asks.
to
…what do you want?" She asks.
She picks up the phone after a few seconds, and before she gets any chance to speak, you ask her , “Hey Dani! Could you tell me what day it is?”
"Yeah."she says,"Of course I could."A small light of hope begins to grow inside you. But all of that vanishes when she says,“It’s Sunday, silly!”
to:
She picks up the phone after a few seconds, and before she gets any chance to speak, you ask her, “hey Dani! Could you tell me what day it is?”
(Although can you tell me what day it is may be better)
“Yeah,” she says, “of course I can.” A small light of hope begins to grow inside you. But all of that vanishes when she says, “It’s Sunday, silly!”
As you ask for your gift, your mother tells,"Not so fast, my dear. Dani will give it to you. As asked, Dani goes to get your gift. Then something happens, which you would remember for the rest of your life.
to:
As you ask for your gift, your mother tells you, "not so fast, my dear. Dani will give it to you." As asked, Dani goes to get your gift. Then something happens, which you would remember for the rest of your life.
(Maybe happened would be better?)
You are two slow to react as the bullets protrude your mother and father’s head respectively as they themselves look shocked.
Urgh. Just kidding, but it’s “two” and maybe change the sentence so it flows better(?), like:
You’re too slow to react-- bullets protrude through the faces of your shocked mother and father."
Or use ‘penetrate’ or ‘pierce’ or another word instead of protrude?
You are 13 now.You are a now a shadow of what you were at 10. Although its your birthday, you don’t feel like celebrating it.
to:
You are 13 now. You are a now a shadow of what you were at 10. although it’s your birthday, you don’t feel especially celebratory.
That’s all for now folks, just check some grammar, common errors and spacing after punctuation (and occasionally speech)
