Vengeance: Rise Of The Assassin(WIP)(Demo Posted)(Updated 30/05/2017)

Fixed it. And those girl names come irrespective of gender cause I can’t
code that well yet. You’ll find this flaw in many WIP’s. :grin:

Oh well that is fine. I mean I don’t know how to code anything in ChoiceScript anyways.

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Did you like the demo?

Yeah though this may only be me, but I felt that the parents’ death scene wasn’t very heart breaking. I don’t really feel like I have an emotional connection to them. Of course it is a demo, and I don’t think you want to focus a lot on early years or anything like that. I don’t really care that it isn’t heart breaking since I still want to kill whoever killed my parents, but I just never felt like picking the option of “I couldn’t accept it”. Everything else about the demo is fine with me. Now I just get to wait for more to come out lol.
Edit: Found another correlation mistake(if that’s what one calls them) “You notice the name of the guard on his badge, and a tattoo of her country on her forearm. You immediately engage in a conversation with her about the political matters in his country and distracted.” If you pick to be attracted to women and then pick to distract the guard this appears.

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Fine I’ll relocate the position of the bullet then and I’ll make it more emotional. And I do make stupendous mistakes. :joy:

@Ylva’s my co-writer now. She updated the game! Be sure to check it out!:grin:

Hey if we find bugs or errors do you want us to report 'em?

Yes Of course @fairlyfairfighter. Why not?
Also, @anon49824592, it would be a great help if you checked it out.

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I’ll Kill a guard and take their uniform as a disguise.

Don’t need: Caps for ‘kill’, should be:

I’ll kill a guard and take their uniform as a disguise.


The Agency is pleased at your work.

Don’t need: ‘at your’, should be: (although I suppose it’s readable both ways, this way is simply easier to read/ understand.)

The Agency is pleased with your work.


How do you decide to fool the security guards?You…

to:

How do you decide to fool the security guards? You…


Just before the guard starts frisking you, you tell her,“Looking good today, my lady!”

to

Just before the guard starts frisking you, you tell her, “looking good today, my lady!”


You slowly wake up to the sound of an alarm ringing. You wake up slowly…

Perhaps unneeded repetition? Unless used for emphasis you could remove one of the ‘you wake up slowly’('s) to:

You slowly wake up to the sound of an alarm ringing. Suddenly you remember the day.


It’s your 10th birthday! It’s the only day of the year when you can live freely, Yay!You rush out of your bed and start shouting,“Mom!Dad!”

Just the spacing between punctuation, to:

It’s your 10th birthday! It’s the only day of the year when you can live freely, yay! You rush out of your bed and start shouting, “Mom! Dad!”


…what do you want?"She asks.

to

…what do you want?" She asks.


She picks up the phone after a few seconds, and before she gets any chance to speak, you ask her , “Hey Dani! Could you tell me what day it is?”

"Yeah."she says,"Of course I could."A small light of hope begins to grow inside you. But all of that vanishes when she says,“It’s Sunday, silly!”

to:

She picks up the phone after a few seconds, and before she gets any chance to speak, you ask her, “hey Dani! Could you tell me what day it is?”
(Although can you tell me what day it is may be better)

“Yeah,” she says, “of course I can.” A small light of hope begins to grow inside you. But all of that vanishes when she says, “It’s Sunday, silly!”


As you ask for your gift, your mother tells,"Not so fast, my dear. Dani will give it to you. As asked, Dani goes to get your gift. Then something happens, which you would remember for the rest of your life.

to:

As you ask for your gift, your mother tells you, "not so fast, my dear. Dani will give it to you." As asked, Dani goes to get your gift. Then something happens, which you would remember for the rest of your life.

(Maybe happened would be better?)


You are two slow to react as the bullets protrude your mother and father’s head respectively as they themselves look shocked.

Urgh. Just kidding, but it’s “two” and maybe change the sentence so it flows better(?), like:

You’re too slow to react-- bullets protrude through the faces of your shocked mother and father."

Or use ‘penetrate’ or ‘pierce’ or another word instead of protrude?


You are 13 now.You are a now a shadow of what you were at 10. Although its your birthday, you don’t feel like celebrating it.

to:

You are 13 now. You are a now a shadow of what you were at 10. although it’s your birthday, you don’t feel especially celebratory.


That’s all for now folks, just check some grammar, common errors and spacing after punctuation (and occasionally speech)

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Thanks for the exceptional error detection! We’ll fix them as soon as possible!

Sure thing, just remember in the future to check punctuation and speech stuffs!
And the game looks pretty good so far, however if I may I’d recommend using a wider variety of sentences, especially when there is no tension/ not on a ‘job’ (sorry if I remind everyone of KS2 English teachers haha)

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Fixed the errors as you told!

To confirm that she is really your contact, she performs the secret Agency handshake, which involves hi-fiving two times, followed by an elbow rub.

This seems kinda… silly? I mean, if that’s what you’re going for, fine, but it’s pretty much come out of nowhere, and there’s no other indications that this is supposed to be parodic.

Then, you see two bullets go towards your mother and father.

I’d probably rephrase this. I’m a little taken out of the story by the fact that my MC can see the bullets, too, but I suppose this is a dream rather than a “true” memory, so that can be excused.

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Fine. I’ll fix them! :grin:

Fixed the 1st one. As for the second one, I have a secret plot about that.:sunglasses:

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Well, I thought it might be something like that, but it could possibly be rephrased. Of course, without knowing what you intend to do with said secret plot, I’m afraid I can’t suggest anything better.

She tells you, “Come with me. We don’t have much time.”

Don’t need CAPS for ‘Come’


"Dad, can you tell what day it is?"In reply,

to

“Dad, can you tell what day it is?” In reply,


(yay)!You rush out of your bed and start shouting, “Mom!Dad!”

to:

(yay!) You rush out of your bed and start shouting, “Mom! Dad!”


Random thingymabob, maybe consider relabelling some stuff so it’s easier to remember? It just feels that if you make a mistake typing in code, you’ll notice it more with something like dream_sequence or even Ch1pt2 or something, compared to “bubble_241035016”


Also, except for the one intelligence check for your surprise party, you don’t really have to pass any checks and your choices (except for the relationship stats) don’t seem to affect the story at all, although this may simply be since this is just the beginning of the game

Oh and I didn’t ask before so I’ll ask now, do you mind people reading the code? I’d usually assume no but I realise if you wanna keep some stuff secret until the stuffs fully written, and stuff on RO’s

Np reading the code. And since we are using Chronicler, I can’t change those 234…blah bah names.
As for the check, what you’ve read is only about 1/2 of the prologue. :slight_smile:

I really liked this game! I played the demo for the second time to look for any errors but I think most of them have already been discovered. However I did find a couple of things:

After the security check, you wait for half -an-hour and finally get onto the airplane.

I’m not sure since I’m not a native English speaker but I don’t think you need the dashes in “half an hour”.

Fifteen Years Ago. Apr 14,2002.

Should be “Apr 14, 2002”

Suddenly, you have a brainwave.

This part doesn’t make much sense to me. Either brainwave is not the correct word or you should clarify what you mean by that. This part is right before you call your friend Terry, don’t know if it counts as a spoiler but I’m putting it under spoiler anyway

You have a really good demo and so far the game seems really interesting! I’m looking forward to future updates :smiley:

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Thanks for detecting the errors! They’ll be fixed!

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