pretty sweet.ofc it’s a bit short to start giving any meaningful feedback but i do look forward to reading future updates and giving inputs. I hope you have a good time writing it
UPDATE- the wars we wage (30/07) : war, love survive and win that's your goal ! (Now with 73k words )
Thank you so much for the encouraging words ! I’ll update today with 6k+ of words and some revisions on the already posted demo. As I said in my post, I’m sitting on 30k words but I’ll update slowly so I can really take into account all the feedback I’ll get ~~
I really enjoy writing this story because choicescripting in itself is super interesting, and the idea I’m going for with this story is pretty solid in my head so I’m motivated : D
A little thing that will be a bit specific about the character you’ll play : the characterization won’t be really up to the player, most of the personality will be set (Unfortunately, a cheery and hyper character wouldn’t fit the plot I’ll be going for)
Quick question will there be sword fighting scenes on combat? (I really hope there is👏🏻)
Okay I know the year is 3000 and something but its on a different world so is it medieval or more sci Fi?
There will be some if you choose to !
The mc will have a saber (as in a ceremonial saber) and the player will be able to take it as a weapon of choice or not. You’ll be able to take the saber, a rifle, become a one person army as you reinforce your body to fight, or just blast your enemies away with your magic. Even though you won’t be able to shift between all these styles at will, you will have to at some specific moments ;D
Okay so the question is actually a bit tricky to answer lol.
As I said in the original post, as an edit, this game is loosely based on Youjo Senki which is an anime which setting is akin to a mix of WW1 and WW2 Europe.
But I also will implement modern communication techs.
So for the moment, I’d say it will be more of current time setting where some of our granted knowledge/ everyday gadgets are lacking (like no atomic bomb, because magic at a great scale can emulate the same effect, or more simply a toaster won’t exist because magic can do it faster), but for example, people can teleport if they have enough magic, and this falls into sci-fi.
I personally wouldn’t classify my story as sci-fi as I won’t go too deep into creating a scientific lore for it. But I’ll 100% will create a lot of lore about the use of magic !
This answer was quite long I know, but your question was really interesting and I thank you for asking it !
Oi there @mah_sanogo
It’s Sister, so it’s not a ‘he’.
Thanks for that ! I just corrected it : D
Omg another fan of my favorite series ! I hope that I won’t disappoint on the game : D
I really dig what you have going here, dear author! Keep it up and submit!! I look forward to being able to give you my money!
Omg thank you so much for the kind words ! I was kinda stalling the day I would publish my demo as I was a bit afraid, but for now, all the comments are really encouraging and the criticism is really constructive so I’m glad : D
This is very similar to Saga of Tanya the evil, like waaaaay to similar, perhaps take some other stories?? There was another isekai WIP called Atheina that got abandoned maybe take a look at that for another perspective on isekai genre where the isekaid become gods of the other world
Thank you for the insight and I’ll check out the wip you mentioned ! On the similitude between my story and Youjo Senki, I can assure you that the next few updates will start showing you all the divergences between the two. Youjo Senki mostly focused on the conflit and Tanya’s goal meanwhile my story will have magic, romance and war/politics as its focal points.
It’s a bit too early for any meaningful feedback, but as @Valixon pointed out, something feels off at the beginning of the story in regards to word usage. I’m going to give you a few examples of what felt off to me and how you may be able to fix them.
“a good girl quite subdued and discreet, but really smart and with lots of friends, I’ve always been really proud of her.” You describe the sisters as being “good, subdued and discreet” and then juxtapose it with "but really smart with lots of friends. Given the phrase structure it implies that the first three attributes “good, subdued and discreet” are opposites or should have a correlation to being very smart and having lots of friends. You could rephrase this to something like: “She was a good girl, very smart. Despite being subdued and discreet, she had lots of friends”. This way, you can juxtapose the attributes which should be opposites being discrete and having friends.
“My mind was more focused on the activities I would plan for my weekend” → here you are repeating the word “my”, you can use “the weekend”.
“I’ll find someone that loves me as much as I love them this time. And that as soon as possible.” This isn’t much of an issue, but “I’ll find someone WHO loves me…” sounds more natural and is used by most people. “That” is also correct in this context, but when referring to people “who” feels more natural.
I recommend you read some of the published games on the platform to get a feel of how they structure their phrases. There are also some inconsistencies in the spacing and formatting of the text, but those can be easily fixed after you go through the text a few times.
Thank you a lot for the review and pointing out parts that feel awkward, this is really helping ! I will rewrite the beginning as it’s also a bit badly worded in my opinion. I’ll also implement the suggestions you made.
I think you mean 3.9k words since 3900k = 3900000 haha that really surprised me for a second
Youjo Senki is also my favourite anime (can’t wait for season 2)
And for feedback, the parts at the end of the demo were a bit confusing with the colonel as sometimes I didn’t know who was speaking. Maybe put a [POV change] indicator at the top to help make it more obvious.
Nonetheless can’t wait to see more of this and and the army. As our beloved Tanya says “An army is an organisation and an organisation is nothing without Rules.” (Forgive me for being a fanboy)
Omg sorry XD, I’ll edit that now, thanks !
A fellow fan ! I’m so glad and I hope that I’ll manage to make the story interesting enough to make you stick around ; D
Thank you for the feedback I’ll try to make the passage clearer to understand !