UPDATE POST 351 (04/01) the wars we wage (Now with 180k words)! isekai fantasy game

Thanks for that, I’ll check it out
edit : I fixed it, thanks a lot, especially since it didn’t even get notified my the quicktest system.

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Btw, what sort of feedback were you looking for?

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Oh pretty much anything bit of constructive criticism you could give. I would of course like feedback about typos, parts that might seem incoherent (which could either be the result of some text not being correctly displayed due to a coding mistake, or just me not making sense).

But I’m also quite interested about what you might think about the story, what you think of the characters/world building I try to introduce. I’m open to discussion : D

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On the typo front, I noticed that for some reason, a lot of punctuation has spaces between it and the sentence.

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Thanks ! That’s a problem I have sometimes when I make text variable (I either forget to put a space before and after the bracket, or I just put too many). And some other times, when I code I just slip up.
Also for the big spaces between some sentences, it’s sometimes caused by me putting a choice option that’s like part of a sentence, and then it kinda messes up the formatting. I’ll try to be more mindful and work on that in the next update.

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“like a real adult”

I’d go with “considered me boring or annoying”. The / thing isn’t something that people use when talking.


I’m not exactly sure about “anxious as-”. Maybe “as anxious as”? Or just “that anxious”? Depends on what you’re trying to say. Either that we’re not as anxious as she thinks (in which case, “not that anxious” is what you’d say) or that we’re not as anxious as someone else or maybe as we have been at another point (in which case it’s "as anxious as).

“trouble”

I think “all of you” is a bit cumbersome. Maybe “you all” or just “you”.

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Comma

“as a small gasp.”
“what”
“congratulations”

Not sure what this means.



Italics?


“than”

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Absolutely loving the story so far. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens. Some issues with grammar and spelling but it’s early days and I assume most of them will be fixed over time. The only thing I think needs focusing on is making it clear who is speaking/thinking. At times it’s unclear who’s speaking/thinking, which can be confusing. This is especially true in those short scenes, where you change the point of view, to that of another character. It might be helpful to indicate, in the first sentence or two, whose pov it is. Please don’t be disheartened. It’s easily fixed and I’m loving the story overall! :slight_smile:

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Thanks a lot for these, I’ll correct it soon !

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I’m glad you like it so far thanks for the kind words ! I’ll try to make things clearer about the pov’s and correct the grammar issues. For the later I’ll have to sit down correctly and read carefully as I’m not a native speaker and when I write sometimes, I slip up and might mix the words or even just put words that don’t exist in English :rofl:

Thanks for sticking around : D

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Uploading: Screenshot_20230514_125703_Chrome.jpg…
I have a doubt in that scene.
In that scene if you chose your best friend the next scene is already The imperial bounding vow instead of a interaction between the profesor and my best friend, while if i chosse another option, like Von krone has a interaction between the professor and Von krone, and so in another scene happens The imperial bounding vow. Is to seen like that or lack a scene for the option of the best friend? Sorry if someone already said that before in another post and i dont see that, and sorry if have some error in my post, english is not my first language. Thanks for your work, i like play your game.

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I hope this doesn’t come across as rude but I would highly suggest getting someone to proofread your writing. I’m 15 mins in and so far a lot of sentences don’t sound natural. Mind you English isn’t my first language and I’m still picking up on this. So I imagine native speakers might feel it as well.

Besides that the concept and idea is great! Will definitely be following your progress😊

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Oh this is a problem for sure ! I’ll check it out for the next update ! Thanks for the review :smiley:
I cannot load the screenshot you took so could you tell me if the bug was with Dorian (male best friend) or Dana (female best friend), or maybe both ? I’ll replay the game in the next weeks to try to catch the problem anyways !

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Hey ! Thanks a lot for the feedback, I’ll seriously look into that during the next weeks. First of all I’ll need to try to proofread myself a few times (I mostly write at night after irl life and english isn’t my native language either so I might slip up a lot), but if the problem stays that persistent afterwards I’ll try to find someone asap.

Thanks for the encouraging words ! : D

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Sorry for the photo i dont know how upload that correctly. In my case that happen with Dana when i go to the terrace, i try now with dorian and that works

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Okay I see thanks ! I’ll work that out for sure = D

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While I will agree with Mathi that it can definitely benefit from someone proofreading this I was mostly able to grasp what is being said rather quickly. So with that in mind I can heartily say that I did enjoy reading this, I like the protagonist and the characters and I got the occasional smile and laugh out of them and of the plot. the talk with god when you are in the armory was by far one of my favorite scenes.

Also “Try being childzoned for a change and then come cry with me in the corner.” made me laugh a lot.

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I’m super hyped that you like it, thanks for pointing out your favorites parts (I love this kind of feedback ahah) and for the encouraging words despite the many writing flaws. I’ll ask on the forum about the ways to find a proofreader and I’ll try to improve the quality of the work by rereading it (code and actual text wise).

Thanks again for the comment ! = D

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Dev update !

I plan on posting around20-30k more words more content (I can’t really estimate because I won’t post the content actually going forward with the story, only the content giving you more freedom on what’s already there) on Monday or Tuesday.
According to the poll, I’m unlocking more paths in the already written parts. For example, if you decide to hang out with Maria, now you’ll get platonic interaction (which I recommend you try because I do think there’s more to do in that than in her romantic path.). And also a new way to die at the start of the story (which will introduce more of your pre reincarnation interactions). Then I’ve added here and there a few more choices, and I’ll soon make relationship stats.

I’m also trying to go through the coding errors (eg having entire part of text missing because of a bad indentation, or the quicktest not telling me there’s a problem and then the game just crashes), and I’m also really trying to improve on the grammar and style, but this will take me time and I’m still not sure about going around asking for proofreading just yet. The more technical/structural part will take time to get in order but I’ll work on improving the quality.

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On the page right before this on it refers to dana as he when i said i was interested in women and not men

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