Untitled game, unfinished!


#1

I only have a few pages and choices still, but would like to have a couple opinions on it so far. It’s really not much, I know! But just would like to check if there are any errors since if there are I would like to catch them early on, or if you can even access the game - any and all help is appreciated!

http://onlytheenglish.webs.com/


#2

“You pat yourself down - there’re your boobs! For some reason you’d thought you lost them. What the dark does to you, huh?”

I couldn’t help but facepalm and lol at this part.

“You pat yourself down - phew, you thought for a minute there you had a girls chest. It’s strange how the darkness freaks us out, sometimes.”

And at this too. Both seem quite… unnatural and giggle-inducing.

Another thing that nagged at me was how strange the plot was. You wake up, find a paper and a watch, and then you go back to sleep. I wasn’t really sure what the point of the story was at all.

Still, the writing and descriptions are decent. And I like the way you split up the text to add to the suspense.


#3

Haha! Yea, I didn’t really know how to put out the gender choosing part, so that’s just a, er, “prototype” as such. The paper and watch will come in handy soon-ish, but that’s for later! :smiley:
Thank you for helping me, I really appreciate it. Um, but as for gender, what would you suggest? I’m not sure how gender choosing would go in a dark swamp lol!


#4

A few thoughts:

  • The “you have amnesia and can’t remember who you are or why you’re here” plot has been done to death.
  • Why should I care whether this character succeeds or dies? Give me something to work with.
  • The decisions are boring, don’t affect much, and don’t progress the story or cause contemplation.
  • Compare how far five decisions gets you in this story (nowhere), vs. how far it gets you in an actual “Choice of” game (character well-defined, and in the thick of interesting action).

To me, this scenario would be worth my time if it started with something like:

Helen must still be alive. The Tall Man wouldn’t have left you this map and pocket watch if he didn’t want you to come find her.

Of course it’s a trap. But if you can just find her, reach her, maybe together you can turn his plans against him.

Except you’re lost. And the longer you spend turned around in this dark swamp, the more terrified Helen must be, and the greater his chances of…

No. Thinking like that will cripple you. There must be something you’ve missed, something else you can try, some way you can still save Helen.

* Read the map again.
* Re-examine the blood-stained pocket watch
* Call out for Helen
* Call out to challenge the Tall Man

I’m making this all up, since I don’t know how your scenario actually goes, but you can see how the player now has motivation, intriguing questions about the story, decisions that will tell more story or advance the plot, etc.


#5

@HoraceTorys
Lol agreed… the story was worth some giggles but felt like it had no progress… maybe its a slow paced story… idk… but Horace… lol go right a CoG already… Watchu wrote is magic brah…