Just a few more observations, as well as some points you mentioned above.
First, don’t sweat the bit about typos. You notice I didn’t complain about them myself, only pointed out some that made it through. Obviously, you do want to try and minimize the amount that get made, especially when it is a work you put up for sale. However, if AAA companies or major publishers can’t stop typos from getting through, and we’re talking about companies that can afford editors, there really is nothing a single writer, and readers will catch.
Then you can also run into areas of stylistic differences. Things may arise which are technically ‘wrong’ from a grammar point of view, but has become a big part of your work. I know overuse ellipses, for example.
Others have mentioned structure, and there were other places (like the one I mentioned) where I think direct conversation would work better.
This is a very important point, but also be aware you won’t be able to please all the people all of the time. It’s alright to make something you want, even if others will disagree. This isn’t to say to ignore feedback, far from it, but sometimes it can get much.
For example, about being railroaded. Sometimes you can’t avoid it. I’m one of those who liked Fatehaven, and that is much more railroaded than your game. There are many who are fine with it, and others who desire more freedom. Of course, adding complexity also makes it much tougher for the writer to finish a game.
That said, as @Lotus mentioned, when it comes to relationships, that is one thing people in general don’t like being ‘forced’ into, if you can avoid it. I’m not talking about establishing previous relationships since a character doesn’t sit in a vacuum; giving them friends, family, etc. is fine. It is when people forced into a romantic relationship that it gets under their skin. Heh, and I’m a person who loves developed relationships in games, but if I’m told ‘you are attracted to so and so’ that is enough for me as the MC to say “Um, no.” (For the curious, this was my biggest complaint with Psy High, when it said I ‘had a crush on so and so’)
However, for a first solo release I did enjoy it. I admit, my favorite parts were actually interacting with the other supernatural creatures. Then again, I admit I’m a sucker for a magic story where the player is essentially an apprentice at the start, and you are trying to learn things.