Avoid all esoteric jewellery over ten pounds in weight - it attracts unwelcome attention from muggers, policemen, various supernatural creatures and can be and are downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
Avoid using coloured candles in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the weirdest demons.
Never make flippant remarks to a demon (“Hey, Belial, you look like hell, ha ha.”). It may retort with its own brand of humour, like tearing your limbs apart.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, taxi fare, condoms, and change.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
If a demon promises you untold riches in exchange for your body, ask for an advance - freeloading sex fiends abound.
If the entity you summoned offers you its soul in return for money, chances are that you got your summoning spell backwards.
Never summon Surd demons; they will shatter your mind with (ab)Surd jokes (ask Max).
If the creature you invoked requests that you send to HUMOR a lengthy repost, with a signature, ASCII art and a personal message, don’t follow its advice. Larry does not accept any longer “The devil made me do it”, as a valid excuse.
Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in, while still affording ample concealment.
Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
If you suddenly find yourself in front of a nerdish-looking guy who wears funny robes, weird jewellery and stands inside a pentagram, don’t laugh: you have probably turned into a demon.
When a strange artefact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.
Never cast a spell on your mother-in-law. She will strike back at you, with a much more powerful one (Well, mine did and my wife said it was my fault because I started it).
Never teach summoning spells to your wife, lest you find gorgeous young men mysteriously appearing in your house.
If other members of your cult ask you whether you are a virgin, always answer with an emphatic “NO”. Don’t ask me why - just trust me on this one.
After ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is not regarded as proper etiquette and asking the High Priest for a doggie bag is downright gross.
Contrary to widely-held beliefs, mind-expanding drugs and invocations do not mix. When the stuff hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water at and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
If, after a night of heavy partying and drinking, you see a frighteningly repulsive creature in the morning, don’t bother to address it as Beleth or Forcas: you are probably looking into the bathroom mirror
Never play strip Tarot. If you do, be prepared to lose an arm and a leg. Quite literally.
Vampires are handsome, dress well, are articulate conversationalists with a posh British accent, yet they suck. Try and remember that.
For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of turkey.
Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. (This politically correct statement is totally spontaneous and has not been written under duress. Are you happy with it? Will you unchain me now and give me some food? I say, that’s a big pile of wood! Are you going to have a barbecue or something? It is in my honour? Cool!)