Whew, these last few months have been really hectic.
I’ve had 2 suicide attemps and somehow managed to make some progress. Mostly with my parents. They found out earlier this year about my depression when I had a panic attack and told them, and, well, they tried to be supportive, but they also didn’t really understand me. They basically just wanted me to “snap out of it” because “everyone has problems, and they still deal with them”. But we went to a professional and after he diagnosed me he talked with them, and they kinda understood what I’m going through. Even my mom has had some realizations about her own life and current state.
It hasn’t been smooth sailing 'tho… They still want me to get better as soon as possible. Which I want too, obviously, but that sometimes leads into them making some poor choices (well imo anyway).
Like last night. We went with a guy who is a “dianetic” or something. Which is basically a bullshit pseudoscience. But I didn’t know that at the time, so I went there with an open mind. Anyway, after we went, I told my father how I felt and he snapped, saying how I was being “narrow-minded” and acted like I don’t want to get better. But I do want to get better, i just don’t want them to waste money on bullshit like that. Thankfully, my mom was more understanding and we talked about going with a psychologist, which is something I’m more comfortable with.
And as I said, despite the fact that I’ve had suicide attemps, I have gotten a little better. I’ve been seeing a psychatrist for months now and I’m on meds. I’ve still had some… crises, but I haven’t had any suicidal or self-harming thoughts these last couple of weeks. Also, one thing I used to struggle with was that I never felt ok anywhere. When I was by myself, I wanted to be with friends, and when I was with friends, I wanted to be by myself. Now though, when I’m with friends I enjoy myself fully. I don’t get that sudden wave of depression anymore, which is a lot for me.
I also told my parents about some things I’ve kept hidden from them. Like the fact that I’m probably bisexual (and I say probably because I’m a virgin who hasn’t even dated, so I haven’t really experimented at all, but I still know that I feel attraction for both men and women). And they took it better than I expected. I mean, there was still the usual “I think you’re just confused” shtick. But if I had told them this years ago the reaction would’ve been “what the fuck are you on about? no son of mine likes men” Soooo… baby steps.
In the end though, I’m still struggling with anxiety about the future and being an emotional and economical drain on my parents. And I know that I shouldn’t feel like that, but I can’t help it. I just want to feel productive I guess, but I applied for a job a few months ago and only lasted about a week. I can barely work up the will to go brush my teeth, let alone something like a job or study.
Still, I suppose there has been some improvement. I guess there’s nothing else to do but keep going on. Maybe going through all of this shit will feel like it was worth it one day.
@augustus27 I know I’m kinda late, but I can relate to what you’re saying. Especially since I feel like that all the time, not just sometimes.
There’s nothing I can say that will help you, since I know that no amount of sympathy can objectively fix your problems, but I found this reddit comment a few weeks ago and maybe it can help you see things through another persective? It obviously didn’t help me lol, but maybe you can actually do the things it recommends. Hopefully it’ll help.