She is an evil twin … would you trust an evil twin?
Shhhh, that’s supposed to be a secret! No one will trust me now!
Today I remembered that the nonviolent, peaceful way to rebel in Choice of Rebels is to let your allies die.
That fucked me up.
She seems cool. So yep.
Don’t worry, her words didn’t get to me.
Why do I feel its a inside joke ?
I learned today that a *comment line in the middle of an *if,*elseif,*else string will break it.
It took me 2 hours to figure this out. I’m not happy it took me that long to figure out the error.
I thought CS was supposed to ignore *comment lines but I guess in reality it doesn’t.
I’m feeling tired and really subdued today bc I felt super sick last night and took some NyQuil and now I’m coasting through the day half asleep lol
I feel…I don’t know overwhelmed? Just got back from the fertility clinic and found out funding is up in the air, but doesn’t look like I’ll get funding for gamete storage. But I didn’t realise it would take so long, got told last time I’d be finished in February, other trans people on reddit guessed it wouldn’t take this long(though they did say services are very much a postcode lottery at times)… But in February that’s just an appointment to discuss funding, I’ll have to wait for another appointment to store sperm, then have another blood test for hormones as my current one wont be valid by then and after all that I might not even get funding.
And as I said I’m not even sure how bothered I am about storing sperm. I want kids sure, but I can struggle dealing with people in general, I’ve only ever been in one relationship before. You might think “Oh you’ll find someone, you just haven’t yet.” but this is the real world, not some fantasy world. That’s a nice thought but not necessarily true and I don’t even feel I could date right now, as I identify as female and would class myself as a lesbian I guess, but obviously I have male anatomy so I don’t think I could have the sort of relationship I want without transitioning. Sure bisexual people are a thing …but I still live as a male and will do until I pass enough of the time or at least have been on hormones for a good while, and yeah I just don’t feel I could date when I’m not where I want to be.
So yeah I’m considering just skipping gamete storage and just going on hormones. People might say if I’ve waited this long why can’t you wait a bit longer? But there’s two reasons. Firstly my hairline just keeps getting shorter due to male patent baldness. But secondly although I’m 25 I don’t think it was a case of waiting until now. I got councelling late into life, and it was only like 2 years ago I felt I could really think completely straight. Before that I had to deal with my mother, before that I had to deal with other issues, and hadn’t found a nice place to live. The place before this was a house share. Don’t know how many people have read some of my misanthropic posts, but yeah. Living with people went about as well as you’d expect . So that’s where I am, my appointment has just happened so no idea what comes next right now I’m just overwhelmed and need time to think.
I just received my Reddit Secret Santa this afternoon. For their first time doing it, they really went all out. Other than what was written on my wishlist, they got me something that’s related to my answers to the questions. So other than a book, I got Harry Potter and Fallout merch. There’s a second package coming before Christmas, their letter said.
It just amazes me that this random stranger on the internet cared enough to actually get all these things for me. I’m just truly, truly touched. I feel, I dunno, loved. It’s just simply heartwarming to see all the effort that they made to get me, a random internet stranger, something this Christmas, not just because we signed up for this, but because they actually cared to make someone happy.
I just hope that my giftee would appreciate my gifts for them, even though I cannot get them what they want. It’s just too much for my meager student funds. I hope they understand, right? Even though I can’t get them what they want, I want to make them happy too, in my own way.
I’m so close to finishing my final projects right now, I just have my 2D 1 animation to finish by Monday and a speech to do Wednesday, and then there’s corrections for my intro to 3D animation due Thursday morning, and I just keep getting so distracted by this stupid crush. Now that I’m nearly done with finals I’m thinking about winter break and the spring semester doesn’t start until mid-January and that’s like a super long time. I’d really like to hang out with him over the break (but with friends because alone is just. Scary) and some friends have suggested that we all go ice skating together since the outdoor rink downtown is back for the season and my school’s ASB schedules movie-watching trips every once in a while since we’re very animation focused and stuff and the last showing for the semester is next Friday for Coco (which I’ve heard is really good) and so the guy I like is also possibly going so there’s all that
Honestly I feel like a middle schooler or something because these feelings aren’t something I’ve had very often before and I don’t know what to do with them?? Most people I know have already gone through this type of stuff a bunch of times already and I’m just kind of fumbling around. It just makes me nervous and distracts me from my work and I’m just constantly overwhelmed and I’m not really sure what to do. Like ,hypothetically, how would I tell him?? And when?? And I have absolutely no clue what I’d do if he hypothetically felt the same and it’s all kind of terrifying because I’ve never done this before. Getting rejected would be the easier scenario but also obviously I don’t want to get rejected
I feel enlightened.
I, for some unknown reason, have never actually considered reading an advice book about anything. I guess if I were to try to actually pinpoint why, it was probably some underlying belief that they couldn’t possibly convey experiences intrinsic to me or that they were inherently a gimmick.
But a short while ago, I read one about story writing and how to outline. And now…I have gone on to purchase and read seven more ranging from character development to an advice/analysis of story premise.
Seriously, not only has it made me realize how shallow my ideas were (and how they were really situations and not stories at all), I feel like they have lead me to start to develop a story that I want to write and couldn’t before. One with fully realized character arcs, story growth, and all the things I wanted to make into something and fit somewhere that I couldn’t pin down from my thoughts to words.
I sound like a sales person, but I am so happy I got over whatever was holding me back from this before because I have gained so much perspective. There’s nothing wrong with hearing advice outside of friends and family, especially by those established in said area of expertise, and now I feel like there’s so much more structure and I have some basic building blocks. I feel like I can finally write what I want to because I’ve been given the tools. The best example I can give is - You can be naturally good at art, and constant practice by yourself will certainly help you improve. But if you get taught the basic fundamentals, like anatomy and perspective, you can improve so much more and so much faster. And it’s like when you have that painting in your head you want to put it on canvas but have lacked the skills to convey that to material, but now…I finally am able to do it. I certainly have a ways to go and am by no means an expert just because I’ve read a few books, I just feel like my future potential has been expanded exponentially.
Ahhhh, I guess I’m just in a happy raving mood about this and had to go on about it to someone. But seriously, this is the best I’v felt about something I love (writing) in a long time.
@princecatling I completely relate.
I wish you all the best! As cliche as this advice is - the best piece of wisdom I can offer, tried and true, is to be yourself and be confident in that. If he is someone worth pursuing, he will accept and appreciate you for who you are. I know this seems like literally the most cookie cutter advice and doesn’t seem very helpful, but just remember - Someone in a relationship should like and respect you just as much as you do them, so there is no need to worry about doing something ‘wrong’ or being scared to be honestly you. This sounds a lot easier in theory than practice of course, and is kind of scary and difficult when this is all new, but it’s something I have personally found immensely helpful to keep in your mind when your nerves start interfering. And have fun!
I feel very guilty and I also feel guilty about feeling guilty. Definitely not fun!
My best friend died almost two years ago and I’m still not over it. He was really a great guy, he’s saved my life at my lowest point when no one, even my family and my current boyfriend could change my ways. And what really hurts is that I didn’t even know he was doing drugs again. I feel like I really missed all the signs when I should know better because I’ve been there too. His family doesn’t blame me and even asked me to write and read a eulogy. I did, and it made me feel better in a way like I was accepting his death but now, I just feel freaking terrible and completely back at the ‘denial’ part of the grief process. My boyfriend is very supportive, as he’s always been, and I feel like I’m burdening him, even if he constantly assures me I’m not.
My meds are helping keep the worst of my demons away but still, it’s still weighing me down a lot.
On the bright side, my boyfriend and I are finally starting to budget and look at dates for the wedding and I gotta say it’s fun and distracts me a lot. I do get nervous about whether or not the places we look at will accept gay weddings, but all those we’ve asked so far are completely fine with it, so I’m trying to focus on that.
It does feel good to write it all down, though.
Would writing a story or a game somehow involving your loved one help? By sharing his story through your words, it might help you accept the past.
Talked out, now fleeing all the people in the other room, - too much social stuff! (I am aware of the irony taking refuge from talking by jumping onto the COG forum - but you guys aren’t real, you’re all in my head ).
@princecatling: good luck! Deliver deadpan:
“I like ice skating. Do you like ice skating? I am going ice skating, and I will allow you to come.”
Do not allow an answer. Just walk away. Being smooth and socially literate is overrated.
I’ve tried, to recreate that accepting feeling I got after his eulogy but it doesn’t work. Besides, I’ve suffered TBI not too long after we became good friends and my memory hasn’t been exactly reliable ever since. And I wasn’t exactly a good person back then, think I would rather let it in the past. I do try to get involved in recovering addicts circles, though, to show people that you can make it but also that slipping back is very easy. It’s not easy either but I know the people on the other end are going/went through similar things so I feel less judged and ashamed. If it makes sense
But thanks for the advice, it does work wonders for some things!
Sort of know that feeling, a friend died a few years back from illnesse, we had a fallout earlier and I ignore her until it was too late.
At her funeral her mom gave me a stack of letters she wrote to me. I always get emotional reading them and last especially since she talks about our favorite movie. And ends with we meet again in a next life hopefully as people or cats.
My friend’s mom keeps paying his phone bills so we can hear his voice whenever we want to and leave messages. It does help to feel like you’re still in contact with the person, whether it’s letters or that phone thing.
That’s a beautiful sentiment, thank you for this. Especially the cats part.
It’s actually been firmly established that it’s easier to talk with people over the Internet, because our brain interprets it as a different activity. Yay psychology!
i’m all giddy and excited because i’ve started dating someone new. they make me feel really good and gay and hopeful and ahhhh.
I’m feeling relieved. Five of my cats are completely healed and 2 are mostly healed. I honestly was preparing myself for the worst a few days ago and now I’m seeing them eating, playing and breaking things again xD It’s wonderful, I’m so glad they’re getting better.
Last friday was a somewhat hard day because my mom had to take care of them by herself and deal with a new technology for her, but she managed it. We changed the medicine we were giving to my younger cat and at night when my sister and I were coming back home, my mom texted us saying he was eating a little, after 4 or 5 days with nothing but a supplement in his stomach.
I’m still a pile of nerves for many reasons, but at least my cats are still with me.
Kinda scared and nervous at the same time. About to take the final for a pretty hard subject for me (Organic Chem). Never been good with chemistry, and I failed this class once already. I did a lot better this semester, but it still freaks me out. All my other classes are either easy or im passionate (Ecology is fun) about so I don’t really have a problem with them.