The "Why Are You (Feeling Emotion)" Thread


#1293

For three months now I’ve been experiencing a lot of self hatred.( while reading this keep in mind I find help as a weakness and I am not open to my emotions very much)

Everyday, all of a sudden, I have a flashback of an unwanted memory from my past, such as me stealing 50 cents from a neighbors bathroom. They caught me and I was terribly ashamed and embarrassed, and that same feeling of embarrassment I can still feel vividly even though it happened 11 years ago. Like all around me are triggers to painful memories of my past and there are only a few of which actually bring joy. At night I always think what could have happened if I didn’t do this and instead do that. I’ve gotten to a point where the flooding of regrets and misery of my past, which is a long list that will be if so asked about(I rather not talk about it, but doesn’t bother me to ask what happened), that I’ve considered suicide as a valid escape from these thoughts. My brains constantly reflects, and thus the reason why I must have a distraction most of the time of else I am alone contemplating on the pros and cons of suicide, deep philosophical ideas, and over all depressing thoughts. I do go to a therapist and throw on a good facade that I am fine because I don’t believe in other people to aid my personal affairs. Most of the time I can run my fake happy face without nobody noticing that I am depressed and suicidal. I don’t talk to my parents as a fear that I will have to go to another, which is currently at 10, to treat something so small. I tell my friends and they just assume it’s a joke because I am open that I am suicidal and make a joke about it. Though when I am alone, I am drowned in thoughts and depression. Sorry if this seemed like an utter mess since my mind is racing at 200kph and I just needed to type down my thoughts.


#1294

That sounds really, really hard. This thread has so many people willing to listen and lend a friendly ear. I’m glad you shared what you did, even if you find help a weakness.

Brains can be the worst. Also the best, though.


#1295

Ever looked at a situation, saw that there was no hope of fixing it and just…gave up?

I’m most definitely going to fail Physics. I got a 7 on my second Calculus midterm, so I just lost all hope on that. My secobs Computer Science midterm is up, and I don’t know a single thing on any of the material, and I am not motivated at all to study.

I just looked at everything and simply stopped caring. There was no shame, no guilt, nothing. Apathy holds me in her grip, and I’m not planning on struggling out of it anytime soon.

However, I’m not the only one. There are countless other students who are failing all their classes. Actually, a lot of college students apparently have minor/major depression?

At this point, I’m just hoping for that 2.0 GPA.


#1296

Yes. You have most likely heard this before but you are not alone. Your college should have services that you can utilize and at least some of those services should be free or on a volunteer basis.

Depression is not uncommon at school.


#1297

I mean, I have heard about a counselling center at my college.

The problem is that I (I shit you not) still can’t find it. Like, the receptionist explains to me in detail where it is, yet I just end up getting lost.


#1298

Does your campus offer volunteer guides? My college had guides that took newbs to places they couldn’t find. (It is how I found out where the student health clinic was on my campus) Ironically, it was down the campus street from my dorm. I felt really dumb that day.

Edit - does your phone have a GPS app available for it? Perhaps you can use that to direct you?


#1299

If there is a professor you trust, you might consider asking them to help you find it. Depression makes everything really hard, and I totally get having a hard time finding stuff. I can’t speak for all professors, obviously, but a ton of the ones I know really, really want to help if you let us know how we can help, and that goes way above and beyond meeting in office hours to talk about a paper.

I mention it because I have walked students to the counseling center more than once, and helped them get appointments, and hung out with them while they got information. We are trained to do so if a student needs us to, but even if the professors aren’t specifically trained to, I hope some nice person, if you ask them explicitly, “would you walk me there; I need help, but I’m having trouble finding it?” will walk there with you.


#1300

Sometimes I feel like people make fun of me behind my back for caring about things. Like yeah it doesn’t matter what randos on the internet think about me and I tell myself that all the time and everything and I haven’t been into that macho/edgy/apathy thing since I was like thirteen anyways and my emotions can get really intense even if I don’t really show it so it’s not like I want to pretend I’m above caring about things or having emotions or that I’m gonna apologize for feeling things or anything but like. It kinda sucks

I don’t know how it became a “”“controversial”"" opinion, but caring things that affect other people more than they affect yourself is not supposed to be a cringy thing?

And also unrelated but I think a guy I go to school with and actually talk to is kinda cute so naturally my brain decides to get self conscious and dysphoric so that’s fun


#1301

Sorry to hear about this, Turk. I actually used to spend a lot of time reflecting on past embarrassments and missed opportunities too, just constantly filled with regret. But I almost never do that now. The key is that if you are that unhappy with what you did in the past, you probably don’t like where you are in the present. Just try to figure out what would make you happy. A healthy relationship, a good job, a family, whatever it is. Work towards getting it (obviously some of this is out of your control, but not as much as you might think). And accept this one truth: if you can be happy about who you are now, then every decision both good and bad in your past was worthwhile, because even a seemingly bad one was still a part of making you who you are today. Every crap job, every moral mistake, every romantic rejection or failed relationship, is a learning experience getting us ready to be our better selves if we just learn from it and try to do better the next time instead of bemoaning the static nature of the past.

As a Christian I believe this is proof of God’s plan, and how he can use crap things to make something better down the line in a way we could never predict or expect. But I like to think this idea would still work even if you are not spiritual. I won’t tell you to let go of he past, because it is never that easy. But harness it, let it show you what mistakes not to make going forward. And once you’re more satisfied with yourself, I can pretty much promise you won’t get plagued by these reflections anywhere near as often. And if you need anything, that’s why this thread is here.


#1302

Ugh so I’m into the doll/toy customizing hobby and there’s this one person I follow on youtube/intagram and I don’t know why I bother looking at other comments anymore because they always piss me off so much

People are just constantly demanding things from her when she just does this as a hobby and I don’t mean making polite suggestions, there are literally like ten comments in a row that just go like “Make so-and-so” or “I don’t like this design that you made, you should do it differently”. There’s a world of a difference between giving suggestions for a design when asked and telling someone to scrap everything someone has done so far for their own project that they’re doing for fun just because it doesn’t fit your personal style

And this person recently finished doing an Eeveelution series and said that they want to take a break from doing Pokemon-related things and series for a while because that series took nine months to finish and she has other ideas she wants to do but people still keep telling her to make more pokemon or do another series

And last week I joined a livestream she did and she just kept getting a ton of random dudes saying really gross sexual things to her like “you’re so hot show me your tits” and things like that. I reported those guys when I saw them and, when someone else asked about the comments, she said she just ignored them but it was still really awful?

Is it really so hard to just be a decent human being and treat others like people?


#1303

Lately I’ve been pondering after my last post what is making my life miserable, I live in a nice house, middle class family, and I am currently in High school. My parents are the parents who holds everything you like until you have strait A’s. That enough puts a huge amount of pressure on me. Then I have really two bad teachers, one is bad because he doesn’t fit my learning style, and the other is just annoying and hypocritical. Then on top of that I have high anxiety and adhd. The medication I take controls my mood and energy, which has hugely impacted my life since I wasnt able to fully learn at all until I took them. I missed 6 years of education because of it.
I used to be a person who enjoyed academics and stressed out over a B+. However, this year I am having a huge amount of apathy towards schoolwork and school in general, and my parents aren’t too happy about that. I constantly get lectured about my grades and I am getting a little sick of it. They threaten to take away my computer, which is the thing that distracts me from suicidal thoughts and vent stress. However, they don’t get it at all. On top of that I had zero friends last year and now that I am hanging out with them my parents are restricting time with them. Thus I go on strike to flunk all my classes. My parents appease to my requests, and I know this is churlish behaviour, but my laptop is one of my few sources of entertainment. This usually happens weekly and it is just more stress I don’t need in my life; school is already enough stress for a week. The only time I don’t feel stressed is when I don’t take my meds.
My meds control my mood and levels of energy well, however, they do create suicidal thoughts and overall a depressing mood. On a couple occasions I forget to take them and I feel the happiest chap there is to be. Not stressed out, worried or depressed. I go into a mood of a reactionary person does. Go with the flow and adjust as so. People tend to mistake me as me being high off of drugs because I am so gleeful and not my normal depressing self. This fills me with conflicting thoughts. Should I not take my meds become uranium reactor(ill explain later) and enjoy myself or become a coal generator and be drowsy, depressed and self hating. In fact I don’t even know if a 15 year old should be worried about all of this. After looking back my life is average and I shouldn’t be worried or stressed out at all, but i am. Nuclear reactor is high energy but very unstable, so I am energetic but very volatile with emotions. Coal generator is low energy but very stable so very low energy but not spontaneous emotion. Sorry for such another long post.


#1304

That’s definitely something you’ll need to talk to your doctor about. I’m not a medical profession nor am I on meds, but from what I’d looked up myself and from what I’ve been told by my friends who are on meds, increased suicidal ideation is an unfortunate side affect of some of the most common prescriptions. Just quitting your meds cold turkey can also be really dangerous though and can actually mess you up more, so you should definitely talk to a doctor about how your meds aren’t working for you right now and figure out what to do from there with their guidance

What you’re going through right now really sucks and you’re definitely not alone in this. Recovery is hard, but you shouldn’t have think that instability and misery are your only options


#1305

Major kudos to Sashira and everyone who has shared! This is an awesome initiative.

I’ve been feeling, well, numb for a while. I dragged myself out of depression in High School by focusing entirely on my work and finding validation in subsequent professional/academic success. It’s worked fine for the past five years (senior in college, currently applying to doctorate programs. Please kill me) but I find now that my entire identity is rooted in being successful in my endeavors, to the point that I pathologically chase accolades to fill a void that I haven’t been able to fill with substances or affection and am very much afraid that this inner gnawing will just consume me at some point. I try to push past it and conceal rather than feel but every now and then I’m hit with a visceral knowledge of how much I’m suffocating inside myself.


#1306

Tuckered out but super happy. My dog was very sick (she has pancreatitis) but now she’s on the mend and putting a bit of weight back on. The staff at the local vet clinic were so wonderful that today I need to figure out a way of thanking them beyond saying thanks since I did that a lot already.

Edit: I remembered that I made an appointment to see a dentist tomorrow so I’m also anxious but proud of myself for finally taking care of this because I had been putting it off for ages.


#1307

Good luck applying to doctorate programs, but I know how that road can be really rocky, especially if you have a need for a lot of external validation. Don’t hesitate to ask for support or PM me through this process, or if you want someone to talk to who has been through it. What discipline are you going into?


#1308

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I’m going for Clinical Psych, specializing in Forensic or Family and Child Therapy depending on the institution I end up at.


#1309

So I’m really annoyed at my mom right now because last night at like midnight when I was literally about to go to bed because I was exhausted, she told me I was teaching her friend’s kid how to make macarons and I didn’t even get a say in it. She keeps saying “oh it’s so easy you’ll have so much fun” but making them is really hard and stressful and I’ve only gotten them right once and she’s never gotten them right before herself

And when her friend and her kid got there, neither of them knew anything about this plan and instead, apparently I was supposed to dye her kid’s hair which I had ZERO idea about so I had to go out and buy more bleach and potentially ruin some stranger’s hair because I’m not a professional and I’ve only bleached my hair twice before and I have really short hair so there’s not even much for me to lose if anything goes wrong

And also, after knowing me for less than three hours, the kid (who’s a in high school, by the way) asked me, a broke college student who can barely afford to subscribe to the programs I need for class, to buy her Thirty Whole Dollars worth of League of Legends points. Like even if I didn’t have to worry about how much I could spend on lunch for the week, who even does that???

And my mom keeps telling me that all this is so great and that I’m having so much fun like I’m not even able to think for myself or anything. I’m just really pissed and stressed and I have class tomorrow and I have homework that’s due tomorrow I haven’t been able to work on because I’ve hardly had a minute to myself this entire weekend even though I literally said in words to my mom “I can’t do anything this weekend, I have final projects” because she still doesn’t take me or what I’m doing seriously


#1310

Might I suggest moving out and rooming with a couple people in an apartment splitting a rent you all can afford. I know moving out as a college student is extremly difficult, and if your majoring in something that takes years of school you are trapped in a very ugly spot. If that is not an option I think whoever has so called plans would understand that you have school work and that is the first priority on your list. Most understand the difficulty of college and working at a low paying job that they would not sweat to change the time of which both parties are available. As for your mom show her your workload and ask her how long she thinks this would take. Maybe then she would understand that you have other stuff to do than dying hair.


#1311

Unfortunately I really don’t think trying to talk to her will get anywhere because she’s literally watched me work from 7 pm, which is when I get home from school some days, to 3 am straight with only one short break for food/the bathroom multiple times before while we were sharing my room because we had family visiting. Like it’s almost funny how much she got on my case about my homework while I was in high school versus how little she cares about it now when we’re paying for college

I’ve wanted to move out and doing so would benefit me in so many ways, but right now I don’t have the means to. I’d need to go and talk to a financial aid advisor about it, but the money I get from financial aid right now just barely covers my tuition alone and I need to pay out of my pocket for textbooks and supplies so I don’t think I’d even be able to move into student housing. I’m only about halfway through my degree right now (it’s going to be 6 years, at least, since I haven’t been able to do summer semesters and since I’ve failed and dropped a few classes) and with where I am right now, I don’t get a very good class selection so my schedule is really all over the place. If I manage to get into student housing in the future, I think I’ll try to get a job either on or near campus once my schedule gets a bit more manageable. I want to do commissions over winter break and try to get a summer job, but because of my workload and how long my commute to and from school is, I really don’t have the time or energy for a job during the semester right now

My family is a bit of the traditional type where wanting to move out before getting married/engaged is just seen as being rebellious so it’ll definitely take some convincing but hopefully even my mom will see how impractical a 1-2 hour long commute for only 2 to 4 hours of class is


#1312

Your parents by law can’t hold you at your house at the age of 20 since 18 is the minimum age, and you can always look for a job that pays for part of your college stuff such as Wal-Mart. In fact there are many large companies that pay for tuition. So with financial aid I think you could steady yourself to a semi comfortable place. Then you could rent a place near your college eliminating the 1 hour drive, and if you don’t have enough money live with 1-3 people and split the rent. !y brother currently has his tuition being paid and they bend the hours to his schedule for college creating a win win area for him. Now in California I am not too sure what jobs do this but I’m most certain some jobs will be able to work around your college education and support it as well.