For three months now I’ve been experiencing a lot of self hatred.( while reading this keep in mind I find help as a weakness and I am not open to my emotions very much)
Everyday, all of a sudden, I have a flashback of an unwanted memory from my past, such as me stealing 50 cents from a neighbors bathroom. They caught me and I was terribly ashamed and embarrassed, and that same feeling of embarrassment I can still feel vividly even though it happened 11 years ago. Like all around me are triggers to painful memories of my past and there are only a few of which actually bring joy. At night I always think what could have happened if I didn’t do this and instead do that. I’ve gotten to a point where the flooding of regrets and misery of my past, which is a long list that will be if so asked about(I rather not talk about it, but doesn’t bother me to ask what happened), that I’ve considered suicide as a valid escape from these thoughts. My brains constantly reflects, and thus the reason why I must have a distraction most of the time of else I am alone contemplating on the pros and cons of suicide, deep philosophical ideas, and over all depressing thoughts. I do go to a therapist and throw on a good facade that I am fine because I don’t believe in other people to aid my personal affairs. Most of the time I can run my fake happy face without nobody noticing that I am depressed and suicidal. I don’t talk to my parents as a fear that I will have to go to another, which is currently at 10, to treat something so small. I tell my friends and they just assume it’s a joke because I am open that I am suicidal and make a joke about it. Though when I am alone, I am drowned in thoughts and depression. Sorry if this seemed like an utter mess since my mind is racing at 200kph and I just needed to type down my thoughts.