The "Why Are You (Feeling Emotion)" Thread


#1266

Greetings, ladies and gentleman. It is I, The Man Who Is Very Bad At Physics, and I am back with Round 2 of the blasted midterms.

I got a 10/20 this time. Not exactly the best mark, but at least it’s a two digit number this time, so I’m counting it as an improvement.


#1267

I’m feeling kinda annoyed and down. I was planning on starting on a low dose of HRT soon with a private clinic, rather than laser hair removal on my face, as I’ve been wanting to start laser first for ages, but I’ve only just now sorted out my finances, and laser is way, way more expensive than HRT will be with the clinic I’m going with. But I’ve just started the process of sperm/gamete storage, and it’ll be around 3 months till the process is complete. I know that’s not that long, but I’ve felt like I’m ready to start HRT for a while now, and suffer from male patent baldness, so my hair line is receding, plus I’m not good at getting into relationships, and even worse at getting into good healthy ones, so I doubt I’ll benefit from gamete storage, plus I might have to pay for it, it’s more like a source of false hope more than anything else.

Also I’ve decided to meet my mum tomorrow. My feelings about her change. But they fluctuate between indifference and hatred. But I want to get my stuff that is stored at hers, but also it’d be nice to have a mum, and not have to avoid family events due to her being there. But I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, I wont feel warmth when I see her, and I can’t just pretend the past didn’t happen, so I don’t think my feelings towards her will change. But she’ll be alive for a few more decades yet…it’d be nice to have had a good relationship with her before she dies, but I don’t see it happening.

Also although my university situation is a little complicated, so basically I’m classed as a full time student but not attending university at all I will be going to loads of lectures next week, for the first time in ages as it’s my university’s politics festival week…which I am looking forward to, especially some really interesting sounding lectures by local MPs I like, but I’m worried about my anxiety. My tablets seem to be working, but I did feel really ill one day last year when I was at uni all day with no time to myself, and have some days like that next week, but hopefully I’ll enjoy it.


#1268

I’m feeling crushed. I’m kind forced to take contraceptive pills because doctors won’t give me the hysterectomy I want so it’s my only option to stop bleeding and specially, stop having intense period pain (once my mom even rushed with me to the hospital because the pain was so intense we thought I was having appendicitis). I’ve been reluctant to take the pills for a long, long time because I don’t want my body lose the male aspects I got lucky to have, I don’t want anymore estrogen in my body. But I don’t want to take testosterone because then I’d also lose the androgynous aspect I have and I don’t want to lose hair and have a beard, and besides that, it’d be bad to my liver. After years missing school days and having to decline invitations because I’d be bleeding on the chosen day, and having to listen “damn stop the drama and just take contraceptive pills already” from doctors EVERY SINGLE TIME I went to see them… I’ve sold my soul to the devil and started those damn pills I never wanted to take. Just hoping I’d actually be better but fearing as hell for my body.
But I didn’t get better. In fact, now my face is having acne again, I’m having cramps every f-cking day and ALL THE TIME, it is more intense than it used to be, my breasts are in pain and I’m dying of dysphoria, I’ve cried like I didn’t in years, like when I used to hate my body, because nothing seems to work, I have no way out of this sh-t. My mental health was good for quite a while, I’ve learned to like myself and now I’m just starting to have suicidal thoughts all over again.

And today, after having a depressive crisis, I just received the news that one of my favourite actress has passed away due to ovaries cancer, at 53. I cried all over again.


#1269

It’s sorta bugging me that I had been chosen as the leader of our performance task. This is the reality I loathe. It’s enough that I disappoint myself time to time but I can’t let these guys down. I was almost never the one that everyone looks up to in a group. The fact that the failure of the group and my members could just be solely on the leadership skills that I doubt each time.


#1270

Well, the person that’s supposed to be placing me for student teaching hates my guts. So I don’t think he’s going to help me very much. The reason why he wants to pour gasoline on me and light a match is because I didn’t realize I had to take a certain course and I’ve been behind on taking some of the state testing I need.

Well, sorry. My mistake. But I still think that as someone who supposedly (though I sincerely doubt the fact) cares about students and because it’s, you know, HIS JOB, he should make an effort.

Ugh, why try anything?

Do you ever wish you could restart your life like it was a COG and make different choices? Do something different, be something different?

Do you ever feel like you could make more of a difference in the world by dying than staying alive?

Because that’s how I’m feeling right now.

Ha. I’m reminded of something an asshole said once. I quote (imagine the coldest, flattest voice you can think of) “I’d feel more sympathetic if your misery wasn’t self-inflicted and you weren’t being such an ass.” Or that guy in that Youtube video who says, in song, “Nooobody gives a shit.”

Ah, screw him. I’m talking to the dean tomorrow-who is a really nice guy and willing to actually help.

I wonder if it would be too petty, when I inevitably have to see the jerk who’s in charge of student teaching placements again, to do one of those dramatic movie-style slamming the papers I’m carrying on the desk? And petty or not, I’ll DEFINITELY be reminding him that he said it was pretty much impossible…and yet. :grin:

Unless of course it doesn’t make any difference. Then I will be returning to my thoughts from the beginning of this post.

Edit: But that’s not going to happen. :sunglasses: Because if neither my weird childhood, numerous bullies, He Who Shall Not Be Named, that surgery gone wrong which almost killed me, Crohn’s disease inflammation which according to the doctors should be causing me daily agony but mysteriously isn’t, nor an entire branch of the US criminal justice system (it’s a long story) could manage to ruin my life and take me down once and for all, there’s no WAY one jerk from the Education Department has what it takes.

It would just be…anti-climactic. If I’m going to lose the game that is my life, I demand a cooler final boss! :rofl:

(Aaaand that probably didn’t make much sense, did it?)


#1271

Are you sure you aren’t s COG character?


#1272

@Lightsavior Haha. :rofl: Nah-if I was I could use the save/load system and solve all of my problems in 2 seconds flat.

Edit: Well, only when I self-insert, write about it, and use it as my free therapy. (Because I do not think I flatter myself when I think I’m not a boring person to read about. And because I need my free therapy. :smile:)

But I have known some interesting people and had some interesting life experiences. And all in just 22 years! :smile:

And yet I still battle chronic boredom. (That bit of irritation is passing already, and…it’s back.) :expressionless: Sigh. THAT, and what I need to do to alleviate it, will probably be what takes me down.


#1273

I’m feeling relieved and happy now. So that guy from the Education Department doesn’t hate me after all, and yes, is going to do whatever he can to place me in student teaching. I guess I was just misled by his tone and his yelling and his acting like he hated me the first time we met. But apparently he yells at everybody…even his co-workers! :smile: For anyone who knows what I’m talking about, I guess it was like meeting April from Monsters for the first time if she’s already angry at you and you get the bad intro. She doesn’t actually hate you yet…but BOY does she make it sound that way. :sweat_smile:

But when he saw I was trying to fix the problems, he dialed down some of the bite. And he even has a sense of humor, even if the joke was kind of my expense.

I was obviously scared to talk to him, and when he asked why and I said it was because he yelled at me for 15 minutes yesterday…and he promptly lowered his voice to a whisper and asked if I’d like that better. :laughing: I couldn’t help but laugh, and that broke the rest of the ice.

So I guess the lesson learned is…don’t judge a grouchy curmudgeon as an uncaring indifferent grouchy curmudgeon until you know said curmudgeon. :grin:


#1274

I’m not sure if the way I’m feeling is because of depression or the flu. I’m really tired and unmotivated but I’m doing pretty well in my classes compared to earlier in the semester right now so being a day behind isn’t exactly gonna hurt me too bad, it’s just kinda weird that this has been happening so often lately


#1275

I hope he learned that people can’t read his mind and that if he shouts at people they will predictably think he is angry.

I wish you the best of luck on your career path. My sister is in the process of getting certified as a teacher and it sounds like a herculean labor.


#1276

I just can’t.

I feel like I’m breaking apart like I’m just unraveling.

for the past three years my mother has had an alcohol problem. With me being the oldest and my father always at work I was always the target of the abuse. Recently I turned 16. I used the law to move in with my nanny (grand mother). Last week social services wanted me to go home on a trial basis as my mother had been sober for a few months and my father was working less in the evenings. Things were going well until tonight. My father found a bottle of wine and assumed my mother was drinking again. (The bottle was a birthday gift for my aunt) Instead of reacting in a positive way he decided to go to the pub and get drunk. An hour ago my father showed up an hour-ish ago and decided to start declaring his hate for my mother. The shouting woke me up and I went to see what was happening. What I saw was my father shoving my mother. One thing I cannot accept is domestic abuse. I screamed my head off at him and he responded by shouting about how he hated me and hopes I wasn’t his son and says that the reason I will never amount to anything is because I was practically raised by my grandfather and he went on about how he was a failure. That broke me. My grandfather is the most important person in my life and that just broke me. My father is now asleep downstairs on the couch while my mother is asleep in bed. I just finished crying in the bathroom. Worse is that I have to explain to my geography teacher in the morning that I don’t have the course work done while tiny compared to the rest it was enough to make me start crying again.


#1277

So terribly sad to read this, Lightsavior. Our parents have such power over us, and when they use it to attack us it’s one of the worst things in the world. Tell social services about it and get yourself back to a safer place.


#1278

@Lightsavior Wow, that’s absolutely awful. And what your father said was completely, utterly wrong. The psychoanalyst in me says he probably only said your grandfather was a failure because he’s jealous that your grandfather was able to give you the kind of loving relationship he can’t. Edit: It’s called projection; projecting his own failures onto your grandfather.

It’s your decision about whether you want to call social services again, but that is an option if it’s too much to deal with. (Well, in theory. Because just because something’s an option doesn’t mean it’s an option for you. …but I’ll stop before I go off on a tangent and bore, confuse, and/or tell way more than anyone ever wanted to hear. :sweat_smile:)


#1279

That is a terrible thing to happen to you, Lightsavior.

The most important thing to remember is that it is your own opinion on your grandfather that matters and certainly not your father’s. He does not have the right to judge others as failures, especially given his own position.

What Havenstone says about parents having power over us can certainly be true, but no one, not even a parent, is entitled to such power, and if you don’t feel that someone deserves to have power over you, don’t give it to them. Don’t let what they do get to you.

As to whether or not you should tell social services about this, I certainly think you should. It’s not worth it living in such a potentially damaging environment. But it is entirely up to you.


#1280

@Lightsavior - I understand your pain. I’m not able to tell you what to do because there really is no perfect answer. @Havenstone is a good man with a golden heart and he helps a lot of people, so I think he’s worth listening to.

Nevertheless, when abuse occurs due to an addiction it hurts.

Especially if you love the person, as you do. I don’t know your dad’s true feelings about anything he said but I do know this. The addict who abuses will continue to do so because they are no longer in control when under the influence. So, getting to a safe place really makes sense to me as @Havenstone suggests.

Please don’t worry about what your teacher will say - honestly, unless he’s been there, what he thinks really doesn’t matter. It is not shameful to have to deal with all the emotional distress from an abusive loved one, its something you have to deal with to be able to live and move on.

Your grandfather sounds like a courageous man for raising you - that in of itself says a lot about the kind of man he is. That is something your father’s addiction and abuse can’t take away. It also can not take away the very fact that you were there when your grandfather raised you. All those hurtful, spiteful things said can not erase the fact that you were there and you know what the truth is.

Just remember that going forward and eventually those hurtful things will fall away. Addiction and abuse from addiction is devastating. It hurts. I’m sorry you felt that hurt.


#1281

@Lightsavior, I’ve known you for a while now and I’m actually disgusted at what your father said. The simple fact that you stood up to him when he was abusing your mother, despite what she’s put you through, tells me you’re a good person, and that your grandfather did in the very least a decent job making sure you know right from wrong.

Like @Havenstone said, you don’t have to live in an environment like that. It’s toxic and not safe. The question you need to ask yourself is what’s better for you? Living with your parents, or your grandmother? You need to do what’s best for you.

You’re a smart dude, I know that much from our PMs. You have a good work ethic despite your complaints about school, and even though it annoys me, you bring up good points when I’m debating you or anyone else in our PM. The one thing you have to remember is that your father doesn’t get to decide who you are and who you become, you do. It’s your life, not his. No one gets to decide who you become. He can’t influence you if you don’t let him.

As for your grandfather, I agree with @Eiwynn with what she said. In my opinion it seems your grandfather was more of a father then your actual father, and in my opinion, your grandfathers opinion of you should matter more.

I honestly hope your situation gets better, because you’re a good person. You definitely don’t deserve this, especially while you’re in school.


#1282

Today was much much better.

My grandfather found out what happened. (Probably from my mum) and picked me up from school early. He took me for dinner (well the biggest, most greasy and nicest burger ever) we talked about what happened and I decided that calling social services was best. Because even if I can move out I have three young siblings who can’t and they don’t need the same damages (and future therapist bill) as me.

Can I also say to everyone who replied or even just took the time to read thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am grateful to every single one of you.


#1283

A tad late, but I just read up on it.

You are an incredibly brave and good person. And from the looks of things, you and your grandad will do a great job of being role models for your younger siblings.
Kudos to you, friend, and good luck to the future :blush:


#1284

Glad to hear it. I won’t belabor points already made by the others here, but I will say this: people’s definitions of who is a success and who is a failure differ greatly. For all your dad said about your grandfather being a loser, it seems like he misses the fact that someone who has to sleep on the couch in his own home because he is not welcome anywhere else in it isn’t much of a success himself at what really matters.


#1285

I am ecstatic. Two days ago, I got hired at the best job I’ve ever gotten. I’ll be making just under USD$36,000 on my start date, then, when I finish training and transition (the 6 month mark, so next June), I’ll be making over USD$38,000. I have no degree, so this is incredibly provident for me.

i’m literally still shook, and it’s been two days since I was hired on.

(however, the hair drug test sucked, and I’m still sad about it. Every time I run my fingers through my hair, I feel the one spot that’s super short)

ETA: I’m glad you did what you needed to do, Lightsavior. I’m so proud of you, and so many of us are here for you <3