I’m sorry to hear this. I hope your cat will be fine.
I’m doing horribly in one of my main classes right now and I think I might just have to drop it while I can still get a withdrawal instead of a failing grade that would affect my gpa. I’m the one “barely average” person in my family full of overachieving valedictorian AP students so I can’t help but feel like a failure
It’s a prerequisite class and, though I’ve heard rumors of the course getting another teacher next spring, it’s currently only offered in the fall semester so dropping it to retake it in the future would put me behind a year
The worst thing about this class really is that the professor reminds me of my mother which only triples the amount of pressure I already have both from myself and from my actual mother to do more than I’m actually able to do
I spent a lot of my summers and weekends as a kid being forced into more advanced classes outside of school and instead of making me a better student I was only ever a C average at best and it’s only created extreme perfectionism and an unhealthy fear of failure. I’ve always really resented it because what I should have been doing was getting counseling for my anxiety and help for the classes I was already in at school that I was doing badly in
I’ve already been going through a lot and having just a really bad time in life in general and I really don’t want to deal with this too
@princecatling That has to be stressful. PLEASE tell me you at least enjoy whatever you’re majoring in and aren’t just doing something to please your family.
And anyway, is there any way you could get tutoring or something so you don’t have to withdraw or fail?
BTW, I’m not sure if it’s the case on all campuses, but on mine there is a FREE Counseling Center that is available. If your college has that maybe you could get help for your anxiety. (Seriously, you sound like you need it. I just read your bio. “I live in a constant state of panic.” Yeesh. That sounds like hell.)
Edit: Sorry for the redundant advice. I just read a few of your previous posts and I see that you can’t get counseling any longer. I’m sorry about that.
Well, if there’s nobody better, you could always PM me and I will be happy to listen to anything you want to say. I promise I would never make fun of you or say your problems are insignificant.
You don’t have to or anything. No pressure. I just wanted to offer.
Thank you, I really appreciate it
There’s definitely tutors and I have friends who are willing to help me, it’s just I’m so behind in the class and the grade is so low I’m not sure if I can catch up at this point. I’ve emailed my professor asking for advice for this and I’ll also be talking to my academic advisor soon about what I should do. I’m gonna see how to midterms goes and then I have at least a week after that before I need to really decide
I’m thinking if I do end up dropping the class, I’m thinking I’ll look for a job because money is a big part of why my anxiety has gotten so bad (also another big cause has its first anniversary coming up in November but unfortunately there’s not much I can do about that one on my own)
I just came home from a cat cafe I found in my city so I’m feeling better now. I’ve been really neglecting any type of self care lately which is really not helping my situation. The cat was kind of a spur-of-the-moment type of thing and the next thing I’m planning to do for myself isn’t happening for about another six months (it’s a cosplay, and I’m really excited for it but I don’t go to any winter conventions )
I’m gonna step up my witchcraft game because I’ve been really slacking lately and, if nothing else, it’ll remind me to chill every once in a while and I’ll probably start cooking real food more often (idk what type of witch I am really but I’ve been really into kitchen witchcraft lately)
One other thing I just want to tag along with @buggygirl11’s advice. There’s no shame in dropping a class. Your health is far, far, far more important than any grade or such.
And the best advice I can give for feeling inadequate is one I repeat to myself all the time, that’s been passed down from person to person in my family is this: “The water is full of sharks. Don’t look left, don’t look right. Swim straight ahead.”
I also don’t know how much it helps, because I’ve heard some people say that hearing that they’re not alone helps a lot and others say it helps jack all, but I figure better to try then not try so: inadequacy can hurt, bad. This is coming from a younger sister who’s older sibling graduate highschool at fifteen as valedictorian of a very, very difficult school. And who was once told by her teacher that because she was dropping her spanish class during her own highschool career she wasnt going to get into college or go anywhere. But the advice above has helped a lot. I mean, heck, it helped me prove the last one of those wrong. Cause here’s the thing: you’re a shark to someone else too. Heck we all seem like sharks to one another when we’re trying to pit our talents together. Just gotta keep swimming straight because in the end the others merits and whatnot don’t make your accomplishments any less of an accomplishment.
I’m glad you feel a little better now (animals do always help with stress and sadness I find). And I sincerely, sincerely hope things start looking up more for you.
My cat came back yesterday, thank goodness, and she seems fine! But that was about the only good thing that happened yesterday. My older sister had a seizure for the first (and hopefully last) time yesterday and since then I’ve been nothing but an anxious mess. I think I may be traumatized by it?
Speaking of colleges, I think that castrating myself with a soup ladle would be a more enjoyable experience that the month and a half of college that I endured.
I guess this is what I get for listening to my parents ‘’’’‘advice’’’’’ and picking Computer Engineering over Psychology. Or Biology. Or literally any major that doesn’t have a high focus on Math.
Luckily, my advisor whom I was meeting up with knew that I was doing absolute shit. So she postponed our meeting until I get the marks of all of my first mid terms, then we’re gonna decide on what to do next. And by “decide what to next”, I mean “jump off the currently sinking ship that are my grades.”
And it’s not like I have any hope for the rest of them. I’ve already talked about my Physics fiasco earlier, so I won’t say more on that. I just did my Calculus mid term yesterday, and the fact that I left half the sheet unanswered should be enough to guess how I did. And I’ll be damned if I actually summon enough willpower to consider studying for the upcoming Computer Science mid term.
So basically, all I have to do is get at least a 2.0 GPA so that they don’t throw my ass into academic probation and then I’m good to go.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “But AAO! How could you possibly get a 2.0 GPA when you literally stated a couple of sentences back that you couldn’t care less about any of your subjects?!”. Well, dear fellows, the answer is in plain sight:
Yes, I’ve come to grow quite fond of this subject. And there are certainly more than enough reasons for why that is; the English professor is probably my favorite out of them all, over half the class consists of really cute girls and it’s the only subject where I don’t have Math shoved down my fucking throat. Sure, it can feel like a workload at times, but overall I enjoy it. And I can say with full confidence that the skills I learn there (especially refining our public speaking skill) is going to be much more useful to me in the long run than a bunch of equations.
Now, here’s the kicker. Most of my subjects count 3 credits, but there are two exceptions. Physics Lab, which only counts a measly one credit, and English, which counts a whopping 6 credits. That’s right, the subject which has absolutely no exams has double the weight of the others. Strange, huh?
So, my plan: Focus on English and do the absolute bare minimum needed to do adequate in the rest. After that, I jump ship and pick a major that won’t make me bang my head against a wall every time I think about it. Quite simple, really.
English major is where it’s at! Fewer episodes of heads banging against walls than nearly any other major.
Not in France my friend. Not in the country where we give you useless subjects that still count as much as the main ones…
I don’t like to “double post”, but this has no link with the previous one.
I have my hardest exam tomorrow. I wouldn’t be worried if I didn’t have a f****** concussion that prevented me from thinking straight. Ended up at the hospital today. The doctor gave me a paper (Hell, can’t even remember how it’s called) saying that I was authorized to skip classes Thursday and Friday. Thing is, tomorrow represents nearly 1/3 of my schedule, so completely skipping it isn’t an option.
This week has been… a time. First of all, I’ve hardly gotten any writing done and it’s been raining a lot so the area I normally take daily walks in has been closed for flooding so I’ve been antsy both physically and mentally.
Second of all… Well, I can sum it up in pretty much one experience I had just a day or so ago:
I went to brush my teeth, I was exhausted and just wanted to collapse into bed but I needed to at least get this done so I didn’t feel disgusting waking up. So I set out everything… started to brush my teeth, and realized that the toothpaste tasted really… really bad.
I put face cream on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste.
The week isn’t even over yet. But I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe it’ll get marginally better by the time the week ends. Today was an improvement, but I’m scared I’ll jinx it if I say that. But, y’know, c’est la vie.
So I got really inspired the last time I went to Vietnam but I don’t have any idea of what I’m supposed to do with it or how since I’m so busy with school and A Witch in Suburbia and everything (though with A Witch in Suburbia I’ve been having really strong feelings about just scrapping all of it except for the characters and setting and restarting it all because I have no idea where I’m going with it at this point)
When I was there, I had a lot of feelings of being at home, yet also being homesick, and feeling like an alien there yet also having never felt like I really fit in in my actual place of residence
I already have a character (who’s currently my main MC for ZE:SH) who I’m already projecting about half my personal problems, including the ones regarding cultural values, onto who I imagine could fit really easily in that type of thing
Sci-fi/cyberpunk would be a really great genre to explore it in and I’ve been getting into more sci-fi/cyberpunk things so I’m starting to get used to the genres
I’ve also seen a few things recently, including one article, on how sci-fi and cyberpunk in Hollywood borrow from Asian aesthetics yet rarely feature actual Asians as main characters (especially in movies like Bladerunner and, up til recently, Star Wars) Seeing people like Donnie Yen, Jiang Wen, and, soon, Kelly Marie Tran in Star Wars felt like such a huge thing because I can’t remember seeing an Asian person in a major role in any sci-fi production made outside of Asia before them. Kelly Marie Tran is going to be the first Vietnamese actress, maybe even the first Southeast Asian even, I’ll ever see on the big screen in such a big production and the thought of that alone is overwhelming
Though at the same time, I feel like this should have happened ages ago and I shouldn’t have had to wait my entire life to see a Western production using Asian aesthetics ACTUALLY starring an Asian person
I feel like interactive fiction would be a good medium for all these ideas I have because they’re so personal, but also it’s scary to think to try to put it out there because it’s so personal
It’s just a big blob of stuff right now so if anything comes out of it, it wouldn’t be for a pretty long time
I’ve spent the last few years starting to reconcile with my culture after at least a decade and a half of a lot of internalized bullshit but I’ve been too nervous to really get into it until pretty recently. I’ve found a lot more Vietnamese artists who delve into the culture more than I ever have recently and it helps a lot and I’d like to start relearning Vietnamese eventually when I have the time and energy for it but since I know so few other Vietnamese people personally, I’ve never really had the chance to work out or at least just talk about the issues I’ve had growing up properly
I’m just feeling A Lot right now and I have a lot of nervous energy and I’ve always felt like I’ve lacked a cultural identity because I’ve been so detached from the culture I grew up in and the culture my family came from and I want to not be that way and just belong somewhere and it’s just A Lot
I guess conflicted is the right word for what I’m feeling. I was at my parents house yesterday because they were having a party to celebrate a promotion my older sister got, and naturally, they invited my girlfriend and her family. My girlfriend couldn’t come, because she had to study. My girlfriends family really likes me, except for her older brother, who thinks I’m “not good enough for her”. Yesterday, he had a bit too much to drink, so he decided to get in my personal space and start threatening my. Now, I’m a tall guy, I’m around 6’4", and I work out. Her brother is 5’11", so I don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt him, so I don’t react.
Then he started calling my older sister a wh**e and a sl*t, and getting really close to her to bother her. That was when I told him to leave. He shoved me into a table, and that was when I snapped, so I pushed him into the corner of the counter. We started to fight, and I’ll spare you the details, but now he expects an apology from me, even though the rest of his family agrees he was in the wrong. I’m not going to apologize to him, but I’m not sure if I should tell my girlfriend about this.
Is it better for her to hear about this from her brother or from you? It just seems you would want to be open and honest about everything with her but don’t turn it into a blame game or be ultra-defensive about it - just the facts and your intentions … idk, what would happen if you didn’t tell her?
That man’s behaviour sounds appalling I hope you and your sister are alright after that. When you made an effort to protect him from unnecessary injury that was as much as you owed anyone behaving like that so I don’t see why he’s waiting on an apology.
- He was welcomed into your parents’ home to celebrate the success of one of your family members.
- He harassed and threatened you.
- When you didn’t give him a satisfactory response, he turned on your sister. He verbally abused her and attempted to intimidate her.
- You told him to leave your parents’ home.
- He assaulted you and then you defended yourself and others from further harm.
- Presumably, this is when he left and the altercation ended.
I’m not your girlfriend and I don’t know her - I can’t tell you how she’ll react. But if it were me, if one of my brothers was going about getting drunk and threatening people, harassing and trying to humiliate women and physically attacking people who intervene in their abusive behaviour, I would want to know.
I’m sick as shit. No lie, I have probably drunk about 8 liters of water in the last 4 hours and my throat is still as dry as the fucking Sahara. There’s probably more buggers in my nose than there is blood in my entire body, and my sickle-cell traits have started to develop, which gives me some shitty joint pain that hurts enough to make me fear moving my arms.
I’d probably be happy if that was all of it, though.
The end of the year is approaching, which means I also need my yearly dose of love problems, which are enough to give three whole generations’ their worth of grey hair.
Beware, I’m 16, in a constant state of confusion, depression and heart break that hasn’t ever stopped since March 22nd of this year.
Which means this probably isn’t worth your damn time.
Yeah, the exact same as the end of '16. There’s a special someone. Said someone is about to end their current relationship which apparently fucking sucks. I’m happy because this means my chances may go up, but I’m also not a heartless monster who pounces on the slightest misfortune of others to achieve his own gains.
They need time, I’m willing to wait.
But, what a surprise, this isn’t the only problem. We’re too alike, they say.
We’ll only end up hurting each other, they say.
It doesn’t cost anything to try, I say.
A chance at being happy is worth all the grief in the world, I say.
But they don’t wanna budge. So the damn lid blows the fuck up, I get angry, and tell them that if that is what they truly believe…
Then forget I fucking exist. Block my number, eliminate me from your social media. Don’t talk to me, avoid me when you see me in person, throw out all those pictures you have of me, fix up your relationship and leave me the fuck alone.
Wait, you can’t. Everytime you try, you do it for one, maybe two months. Then you come back, and start looking for me again.
You get mad at me for treating you differently, but close yourself off when I try to treat you the same as always.
You ask my friends about me, inquire as to what is going on with me. But if I’m the one who tries to include and tell you, golly-fucking-molly, time to build a wall taller than Trump’s ego and sturdier than Kim Jong Un’s racism to keep me out.
Oh! Looks like I got through to them, they’re finally accepting reality.
So they ask me if I know what I’m doing wrong. When I answer in the negative, they start listing qualities in people.
Which is a good thing, I suppose. They’re telling me things. Things they want me to show them, so this thing can grow back into the love we used to have, instead of the simple attraction there is now.
But… That also means what I have showed them, what I have demonstrated isn’t enough.
And I showed her everything. The only one to truly know me, the real me, is them.
No, my best friend is very special to me. The second most special person in my life. I don’t hold any feelings of that type for her, but if by some weird twist of fate life ended up making us spend the rest of our lives together, well, I’d be happy.
My mother doesn’t know me fully either. Some quirks, maybe. What I like, too. But not everything.
No one in my family does.
But who knows me exactly as I am? My weaknesses, my strengths? My prides, and my fears, what I like, and what I hate?
Even if they don’t, I’m willing to let them explore everything about me, without restrictions.
That’s not enough.
So, I have to give more, show more.
If I have given them a 100%, then I should give a 1,000% now.
But let’s suppose I show them that 1,000%, and it’s enough, and we end up being happy.
Would they love me, or would they love the person I became?
I don’t know.
Which means the only thing I can do now is think. Think long, and hard.
Will it be worth it to change, in order to get what I love and want, but in the end never be sure if it’s really me who they love?
Or would it be better to give up? Accept I never was, I’m not, and will never be enough and lose them?
Lose them to go back to the same shit as the summer, where the only thing in my mind when I woke up was how much I wanted to fall asleep again?
Maybe this love crap just wasn’t made for me.
Why the fuck did I have to win the sperm race?
The thing is, I don’t want to be the one to cause more problems between her and her brother, since they already have plenty of those, but I also don’t want her to think I didn’t tell her because I don’t trust her to believe me. I think I’m going to take your advice and tell her though, because if my brother did something like what her brother did, I would want to know too.
Ugh, I’m sorry you’re in that position. Getting caught in other people’s troubled relationships always makes me feel like I’m dismantling a bomb. I hope this is resolved soon and for what it’s worth the consideration you’re showing your girlfriend and her family is very impressive. However you handle this I’m sure you’ll do your best which is all any person can do.
You know, I was really not expecting to spend the majority of my first class today crying in a bathroom stall. But then again, neither did I think I wouldn’t be able to sleep and instead would have a breakdown in the wee hours of the morning, which resulted in me crying for about two hours before my alarm ringed and I went to shower and get dressed.
Never have I felt such a complete, all-consuming desire to just give up. High school was a breeze, but I’m not adapting well to college life. At all.
Frustrated as hell because last night I couldn’t fall asleep until about 3 am because I spent a few hours pausing/unpausing a YouTube video repeatedly on my phone, clicking on the “play” button in the middle because I could never get it right in the center. I told myself I wouldn’t succumb to that shit and I’d been doing pretty well.