What I’m going to write here is not enjoyable nor suited for those faint of heart. It’s not the kind of thing I usually share with people and I’ll likely regret it later, but this time it’s not so much about actual sharing; I seriously need to get it out of my system. Trigger warnings: suicide ideation.
Not a pleasant read
I feel like dying. Or, to be more accurate and honest, I feel like killing myself.
I have a handful of tendencies that could only be called self-harming behaviour, no way around that. It’s a downward spiral that I try my hardest to keep in check, yet sometimes it gets out of control. Lately it has been trying really hard to take over, much more frequently than I would like, and it’s getting extremely hard to just ignore it, like I usually do.
I’m having a lot of dark thoughts, and my head is becoming a really toxic place. I just feel like smiling really, really widely and stabbing my thigh with a fork, to see which is more painful. Trying to appear like everything is fine and dandy, or an actual, open wound. At least the wound would distract me from everything that’s going on, that’s the perk about physical pain. The healing part is a bitch, though.
I don’t fee like I can carry on. Not today. I also struggle with addiction, and when I feel like shit like I do today, warding it off is so much, much work that it’s… just bigger than me. I’ve been clean for a while, and I want it to stay it that way, I don’t want to resort to it, but it’s the only thing that can bring me comfort in a moment of so much distress. Yet I worry that if I overdo it, I might actually kill myself.
It’s funny, I’m entertaining the thought of suicide, but I am afraid of doing it for real. Death is a scary thing. Yet I don’t know if I would rather keep on living like I am doing now, or just end it all for good.
I don’t like pain, but today I kind of welcome it. It’s better than this strange ache I’m feeling, both numb yet somehow overwhelmed by everything, like I can’t handle it all on my own, yet unable to fully process it. It’s… Like being underwater, kind of, where you feel the cold and your vision is funny and you can’t see a thing, yet feel everything that moves around you and the light that filters through. I’m bleeding open for pain and sadness and doing sometimes utterly stupid, but closed off from anything good that’s in my life.
I’m also thinking about my partner; we haven’t been together for long, yet I can’t stop thinking on how much me offing myself might affect them. Rather than myself and why should I keep carrying on (wishes, dreams, objectives, hobbies, etc.), I worry for them. My head is everywhere and at the same time zeroed on them and some close friends. My partner is wonderful and really sweet and we have a great time together, but right now I can’t help but think that I shouldn’t be with them, they are so much better and I’m awful and not enough for them. I don’t want to trouble them with my problems, because they don’t deserve it; they are just too good to be true and I would upset them too much.
I have a lot of pills on my disposal; it’s not the first time I have entertained the thought of taking all of them at once and see what happens. It’s likely less painful than what I have to bear here. Bleeding out sounds good, too. Or a shot of bleach, but that’s a horrid way to go and I don’t feel like suffering more than what’s necessary. The pain I can bear is sharp or dull, not burning me from the inside out (like bleach) or actual fire, or drowning; I have heard those are terrible.
I have to keep my head out of these things, and I’m really trying, but it’s hard. Everything feels so much bigger than me and I’m weak and unable to carry on, and there’s so much pain and so little meaning in everything… I just can’t keep up with the world.
I’m tired, but I’ll try to hang on; you aren’t getting rid of me yet