The "Why Are You (Feeling Emotion)" Thread


#1202

I don’t go around criticizing my mom’s hair/clothes/skin/appearance in general or telling her that she has bad taste in entertainment so you’d thinking getting the same treatment in return wouldn’t be too much to ask for but no

I would love to have a relationship that can be described as anything better than “it’s complicated” with her but that’s a little hard to do when I’m the only one who sees anything wrong at all here

I c a n n o t wait to be able to move out of here and finally get some actual privacy for the first time in my life


#1203

It’s unreal how often I see this in my town. I’m quite blessed in that I have a good relationship and my parents are still together. But that’s certainly not the majority here.

You’re situation isn’t all that uncommon. Hope you get your wish soon tho! I’d love my own place.


#1204

Also on top of being grumpy and tired because my smoke detector had a false alarm, I saw a thing and I am just so so tired of people treating triggers as a joke

When I was still able to see a councilor at my school, I thought she was making fun of me the first time she asked if the debilitating anxiety that has caused me to fail or drop so many classes over the years was triggered by anything

Maybe if they weren’t a joke, I’d actually have words to describe what makes me dissociate and think thay ten minutes have passed when actually it’s been three days and I haven’t eaten or even left my room, or when I think it’s been two hours but it’s only been three minutes and I’ve already scratched off half the skin on my arms and probably screamed at someone

Maybe I could actually get some real help to deal with the trauma of being sexuality assaulted by someone I considered a friend, or that of being emotionally abused for years by someone I looked to for guidance, or just any other thing that has messed me up so bad over the years. Instead it’s just “oh I’m doing okay I guess. I just get a little nervous sometimes. I think I’m just naturally shy. I’m just bad at setting deadlines” for weeks on end

I would love to have a normal functioning brain, but no, I just have to have one that forgets how to work because it hears or sees dumb word combinations and I can hardly get help without wasting time having to be pried at because I’m scared of being treated like a joke


#1205

I’m really sorry about all you’ve been through and continue to go through on top of the invalidation and barrier to recovery. I struggle with the “triggered” jokes too - it always feels as if the person making them knows that’s going to hurt me, even though its more likely they have no idea - I wish I could offer you some coping tools but I have none. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.


#1206

Hey, guys. i just want to let you know that i’ve been discharged from the hospital and will be now rested at home until my knees can carry me again after being immobile for that long.

i win, dengue!!! suck it!


#1207

Hooo hohoh!
You should get achievement for it!

:trophy: Triumphant: Win a fight against level 3 fever (1 point)


#1208

I’m currently on a high because Serbia just qualified for the 2018 World Cup after missing the last one.


#1209

Tired. My brother’s going through a hard time with his girlfriend. She claims he never reaches out to make plans, but the last time he did, she claimed that she’d be busy with schoolwork for the next few weeks, so don’t bother trying. Then hung out with friends. This has been a recurring pattern (like to the point of rarely spending time with each other over several weeks. Which either means she doesn’t want to hang out, or she physically needs to stop having a relationship so she can graduate college on time), but trying to tell him to break up with her goes all of nowhere.

It probably doesn’t help that we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum with relationships. I’m some kind of ace/aromantic (it’s…a weird bit of gray I’m still getting used to) with a deep love of spending time in my own company (my best source of de-stressing is going a day or two without speaking aloud). He’s a hyper-romantic, polyamorous, lovesick fool (I say, fondly) who wants to be friends with everyone he can’t date. So cutting a relationship is hard for him, and I don’t know how to do anything about that.

I’m also in the low parts of my social-anxiety-slash-whatever right now, so that means I get to feel extra useless. I hit a point where any time I try to speak, the little voice in the back of my head reminds me that there are more qualified people out there, and my contributions to society are both pointless and unwanted.

That’s actually why I like this forum. It’s laid back enough that I don’t have to over-analyze every piece of etiquette to figure out if I’m “posting wrong.” Good place to take a break, and contribute things that people at least pretend to find helpful.

Also… still weird about that ace/aro stuff. It’s not like I’m upset about it, really, just. I love romance games and seeing romance, but applying anything to my own life just doesn’t work. It explains a lot, but it’s weird, yeah?


#1210

I swear I could write that about myself as well. So I know how you feel. We’re just so used to the idea of finding a soulmate being a goal in life that when it doesn’t apply to us it feels kind of weird.


#1211

…A lot. I know I always say that, but my life is one big rollercoaster right now, but something really unexpected happened today…But first, I’m feeling happy as have an initial appointment for gamete/sperm storage, so nice that things are moving forwards :slight_smile: plus I’m considering starting on a low dose of hormones privately. Started taking tablets for depression and anxiety 3 weeks ago and my disphoria has gotten a fair bit worse since then, but did read about that happening to other people, so could just be that reading that influenced me :stuck_out_tongue: but either way that kinda has me down. I’m feeling stressed as didn’t manage to finish my uni work, so have to apply to resit for Jan, then if that goes ok will be going into the second year next September.

But yeah…something unexpected happened today. I met my best mate, I’ve been saying for a while I have to go to the doctor for personal things whenever it was about depression, anxiety or my gender. My friend is visually impared too and just noticed today that my hair is shoulder length. His reaction was and I shit you not if I was changing my gender, if that’s what my doctor’s appointments were about. Since I was so taken off guard by that I denied it, plus just coming out and saying it…but now I regret that so much. It is going to be so much harder coming out to him now, I had a golden opportunity just to say yes, but it took me so off guard that I couldn’t even think. So yeah feeling disappointed in myself, like I let myself down. And anxious and scared, I’m half tempted just to text him and explain that I got scared, and say that I am. I came out to my family members via text, or to be jokey like “Lol you’re a good guesser :p”. But yeah, I told everyone else, he’s the first person to outright guess, it’s also scary as if it happened once, could it happen again?


#1212

So, I am about to share something personal here. So, I have mental problems. I have depression, and anxiety, and autism. So, a lot of my life, my mom has been kind of bad. Do not get me wrong, I love her so much, but she makes these bad choices. With everything that has happend to me, which is a story for another time, I am so sick. I got so stressed out last week, where I literally almost thought about actually hurting somebody. Luckily, I walked away. So now, I am supposed to go to a mental hospital, and I have been anxious on waiting for them to call me about a bed being open. So, the last few days have been interesting, to say the least.


#1214

'Ello. Remember me? The dude who thought he did shit in his Physics exam?

Welp, the results came out and I got a 6/20. Off to a great start already.

Then again, the class average was 9.7/20. So at least I wasn’t the only one who failed miserably.


#1215

So California is on fire again but it’s really bad this time. I’m alright, I’m pretty far from all of it, but I follow a lot of artists based around LA or the north bay and, while they’re alright and only a few of them have had to be evacuated, a lot of them saw the neighborhoods they grew up in burned to the ground. I’ve also had some classmates not able to make it to class because they had to evacuate. A lot of my friends and I have also been having chest pains and other issues because of all the smoke in the air

I haven’t really gone through any natural disaster this bad before so this is pretty overwhelming :pensive:

The sky looked like this the other day

The sun was a lot more red in person, but my phone can’t pick up light well


#1216

I’m feeling tired, kind of sad and a bad person.
My aunt and uncle (I hate them both) came here with my grandma. I love my grandma and in general I don’t mind my family (except by these 2), but they’re so noisy, my cats get scared of them and my ears and head hurts. I really don’t like people visiting us.
I went to say hi (I’d be forced to do it by my sister or mother anyway) to them, and when my grandma looked at me, her eyes sparkled. She hugged me and said laughing she was missing me a lot and praising me (looks like she’s even calling me by he/him, and I didn’t asked her to do so… no idea how she knows I prefer these or she’s noticing she’s calling by that)… She really, really loves me. But I feel terrible that I can’t enjoy it the same way she does. Although I love her, I can’t be relaxed with my family, is just too much social interaction, I get annoyed… And I think she feels sad that I don’t really hang out with them. Last year we lost my grandpa and she still pretty hurted by that. And I’m scared… she’s 83, I fear I’ll regret so much when she leave us… I wish I could show her more affect, but I just can’t and I feel so sad seeing how much she likes me…
And is hot as hell here today, I can’t bear the heat :sob:


#1217

I feel awful today :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

What I’m going to write here is not enjoyable nor suited for those faint of heart. It’s not the kind of thing I usually share with people and I’ll likely regret it later, but this time it’s not so much about actual sharing; I seriously need to get it out of my system. Trigger warnings: suicide ideation.

Not a pleasant read

I feel like dying. Or, to be more accurate and honest, I feel like killing myself.

I have a handful of tendencies that could only be called self-harming behaviour, no way around that. It’s a downward spiral that I try my hardest to keep in check, yet sometimes it gets out of control. Lately it has been trying really hard to take over, much more frequently than I would like, and it’s getting extremely hard to just ignore it, like I usually do.

I’m having a lot of dark thoughts, and my head is becoming a really toxic place. I just feel like smiling really, really widely and stabbing my thigh with a fork, to see which is more painful. Trying to appear like everything is fine and dandy, or an actual, open wound. At least the wound would distract me from everything that’s going on, that’s the perk about physical pain. The healing part is a bitch, though.

I don’t fee like I can carry on. Not today. I also struggle with addiction, and when I feel like shit like I do today, warding it off is so much, much work that it’s… just bigger than me. I’ve been clean for a while, and I want it to stay it that way, I don’t want to resort to it, but it’s the only thing that can bring me comfort in a moment of so much distress. Yet I worry that if I overdo it, I might actually kill myself.

It’s funny, I’m entertaining the thought of suicide, but I am afraid of doing it for real. Death is a scary thing. Yet I don’t know if I would rather keep on living like I am doing now, or just end it all for good.

I don’t like pain, but today I kind of welcome it. It’s better than this strange ache I’m feeling, both numb yet somehow overwhelmed by everything, like I can’t handle it all on my own, yet unable to fully process it. It’s… Like being underwater, kind of, where you feel the cold and your vision is funny and you can’t see a thing, yet feel everything that moves around you and the light that filters through. I’m bleeding open for pain and sadness and doing sometimes utterly stupid, but closed off from anything good that’s in my life.

I’m also thinking about my partner; we haven’t been together for long, yet I can’t stop thinking on how much me offing myself might affect them. Rather than myself and why should I keep carrying on (wishes, dreams, objectives, hobbies, etc.), I worry for them. My head is everywhere and at the same time zeroed on them and some close friends. My partner is wonderful and really sweet and we have a great time together, but right now I can’t help but think that I shouldn’t be with them, they are so much better and I’m awful and not enough for them. I don’t want to trouble them with my problems, because they don’t deserve it; they are just too good to be true and I would upset them too much.

I have a lot of pills on my disposal; it’s not the first time I have entertained the thought of taking all of them at once and see what happens. It’s likely less painful than what I have to bear here. Bleeding out sounds good, too. Or a shot of bleach, but that’s a horrid way to go and I don’t feel like suffering more than what’s necessary. The pain I can bear is sharp or dull, not burning me from the inside out (like bleach) or actual fire, or drowning; I have heard those are terrible.

I have to keep my head out of these things, and I’m really trying, but it’s hard. Everything feels so much bigger than me and I’m weak and unable to carry on, and there’s so much pain and so little meaning in everything… I just can’t keep up with the world.

I’m tired, but I’ll try to hang on; you aren’t getting rid of me yet :slight_smile:

I think I’ll splurge for once and get myself something real nice to get rid of these bad thoughts :slight_smile: I have wanted for a while a giant plushie that costs 200+ dollars: it’s a behemoth, hence the price. I know it’s a lot, but… whatever, fuck it. There are people who spend 200-300$ on a pair of high heels or a wrist watch (things they don’t necessarily need but want), so I believe it’s a matter of priorities. I have the money and I want the plushie, so might as well get it: having it with me will surely make me feel better :slight_smile:


#1218

@Lycoris Woah. You shouldn’t regret sharing-it’s good to talk anonymously about things. :slight_smile: And what is this thread even ABOUT if not to talk about one’s personal problems? (Or, you know, stalk it and hear about others’ perspectives which are extremely useful for your writing. But, uh, never mind. :smile:)

Does anyone in your real life know your feeling this way? Is there a specific reason why…like a problem/problems in your life that are driving you to suicide, or do you have no idea why you feel the way you do?

I admit I’ve only known you for like a couple days, but I did read your prior posts on the thread…and you seem like a really nice, great person. A ton of authors don’t actually respond to every post they get like you do, or take the time to read and respond to everybody’s opinions, even the dumb ones! :grin: Not to mention talking to me via PM about my personal stuff instead of telling me to go away and leave you alone because you’re clearly dealing with a lot of stuff yourself.

I’d love to have a person like you in my RL, and I’m sure your partner feels that you’re more than good enough. Go ahead, ask them. I’m sure they’ll agree with me. :slightly_smiling_face:

Ha ha! And I see that even in the worst of times you have a great sense of humor. Another awesome trait. :smile:


#1219

There is nothing to feel ashamed of, @Lycoris. This community has some wonderful things and that is people like you and threads like this one. Nobody here would like to see you suffer, but you can count on us to be here if you need it.

If you are seriously considering suicide, please consider watching this video:

Take care of yourself, and please remember that you are not alone. If you need some time to deal with all of this, that’s alright and if you wish to talk to anyone, I’m sure we’ll be glad to help.


#1220

@buggygirl11 thank you, you’re sweet :smile:

No, they don’t; I talked to someone about it once, and it didn’t go well. I don’t want a repeat of it, it wasn’t nice. Being open about these things is not a really good idea, not with the stigma there is around it.

I know why I do feel like this and from where all my problems stem from, but I can’t just put an end to it, sadly. It’s a matter of time, either until I can get away from it (which will take years) or until I can’t bear it anymore. I try to hang on as best as I can, but sometimes everything is just… too much for me and I feel like I can’t deal with everything.

You’re a sweetheart for trying to cheer me up, really, although you praise me too much :hugs: It would be wonderful to have you in real life too, you’re sweet and lovely to talk to, and whoever thinks otherwise doesn’t know what’s good :smile: You aren’t too far off about my partner, they do try to make me see that I’m not terrible (they only say good things, it’s surprising!), but I have a hard time accepting it. The wonders of being insecure and having low self-esteem :slight_smile:

Again, thank you very much, @buggygirl11

@MockTurtle thank you :smile: I will probably take some time to process what’s everything that’s happening (in my life), as these bad thoughts are not just going to disappear regardless of how much I want them to, but I’ll try to steer clear of the darkest places :slight_smile:


#1221

I replied to the rest via PM, but…

They all prefer my brother. :slightly_smiling_face: He has CHARISMA. And he’ll be affectionate instead of freezing and trying to get away when touched, and go up to people and talk to them whereas I’ll sit alone and read, and can at least fake normality better. Which apparently more than makes up for his…abrasiveness.


#1222

i feel absolutely awful because my mother just let one of my cats run away!! in a neighborhood the cat is unfamiliar with! full of dogs that like to run loose and reckless drivers! during that time of the year where people like to hurt cats!!

i want to cry myself to sleep but then i’ll get a headache and feel even worse!! :upside_down_face: