So…I saw my grades this semester.
Twelve units failed, nine units passed. Nine units of my failures were all major subjects, and the remaining three are required units for graduation. With those failed grades, I can’t shift to history. Or any other major in my college. Or any other college within the university. My scholarship has gone down the drain. I’m a non-major student for three years in the running now.
(And for those who are aware of my old posts in this thread, about the asshole teacher? yeah, he failed me.)
Strangely enough, I felt nothing, seeing my worst grades in my history of being a college student. I was just, “oh, okay” and closed the tab. I felt worse during freshman year because of one bad grade. But with four failed classes? Just a tightening of the chest, and nothing else. I guess it’s because I’ve already cried my tears out a few days ago and I’m already sick and tired of feeling bad about myself. Or maybe it’s because deep down inside, I know I deserve all those marks (especially those last three units for graduation–Mondays are the days when I lose to my depression). Those prayers, sleepless nights, skipped meals, damages to my psyche, and all the sick days that I ignored just so I could go to school paid off in some classes, but they weren’t enough for the others.
Is this the effect of adopting a “whatever will be, will be” attitude? Not sure if it’s a healthy outlook in life, but it feels different. Not sure if I like what I’m feeling,though. All I can say is that it’s different.
(But now that I’ve accepted everything, what now? What’s next?)