I'm indecisive. And worried. And scared of going back to the same feelings from last year.
Basically, my last (And first) relationship wasn't pretty. At all.
The girl that I fancied suffers depression, anxiety, asthma, among other things. She also used to harm herself (Though she hadn't done it once in the... 4 months we dated). Our relationship was never perfect. Me being an inexperienced little fuck and her always needing someone to be dominant, there were more than a few bumps in the road. We actually broke up for like a week on early February. And it was great for a while. Then shit hit the fan like a month ago and we broke up a week after. Definitive this time. Apparently being there for someone when they're going through a bout of depression, making sure that the amount of time you spend together is full of laughter and smiles instead of melancholy and frowns, and trying to be a source of comfort until they actually trust you enough to tell you what exactly has them like that is "Too much pressure and only damaging yourself".
Anyway, I'm not getting her back, no matter how much I may regret what happened.
My problem? It's a person I got to know through my ex. I guess you can see where this is going...
Yeah, well, even after turning over 50% of our mutual friends against me and painting me as the bad guy for anyone that asks why we got separated, Julissa (Let's call her that) refused to leave me on a ditch and still associates with me.
She is a really beautiful girl. She also has an incredible sense of humor, and honestly, I have way more in common with her than I did with Light (Another substitute name). I have spent the past few weeks hanging out with her, and, to be blunt, I'm a flirty guy. Or, well, I'm flirty with Julissa at least. And from what I see, it's reciprocated.
Of course, we keep saying it's just playful banter that friends like to do, but we both know that ain't true.
I.... Honestly, I'm attracted to her. I had been in December when I first met her, but I was not about to throw Light out the window for a fling. And it was just attraction, I didn't actually like her, like I felt for Light.
But now, things are different. And I know there's a chance of us being together.
Thing is, she's my ex's best friend. And I know she wouldn't dare get close to me in that sense just to keep Light happy, regardless of how she feels. She's sweet like that. One of the reasons I'm drawn to her.
I don't exactly fancy looking at anything with her. Not because of my feelings, I'm sure those are clear, but, first off, Light's in a bad spot. Seeing me with her best friend is gonna make her feel like shit, and she's really close to doing something bad. I'm not gonna be the last straw. Regardless of how bad "Luan" flopped, I still care about her, and I can't carry the weight of whatever she does in my consciousness.
But, I can't allow myself to go back to last semester. Where everyday was basically my brain filling itselfs with "What ifs" that were never going to happen and me feeling like shit because I knew it. I can't let myself be brought back to that spot. Where days passed in fits and the most I can remember of them was plugging in headphones and letting my mind wander through my playlists while I kept going back to the memories that made sure my pillow was always soaked and salty. Oh no. I shouldn't. I can't. I won't.
But then... What option do I have left?