Feeling a few things, mostly more happy and more...secure I guess? Still exploring my gender, but got to the stage now where I feel comfortable enough to go out in my neighbourhood dressed, in an androgenous female way I guess?(sorry if I got the wording wrong) As in women's clothes, but nothing overtly traditionally feminine such as a skirt or what not, most feminine sort of thing I wear is jeggings . But feeling happy as finally have an end goal in sight. Aiming to eventually dress in that way all the time, as I still feel more comfortable dressed like that, though this also makes me feel anxious/that I have to be ready to anticipate a negative reaction and be able to handle it, I haven't gotten one yet, but I'm sure I will eventually, even if it's rare, but it at least feels like a realistic goal, where as before it didn't. And although I still feel comfier yet when dressed in more traditionally feminine clothes , I now feel sure that I wouldn't want to present in that way in public unless I was 100% sure of my motivations(E.G wanting to transition, just prefer to dress like that but no plan to transition etc)as I have a short term end in sight, but not an eventual/long term one if that makes sense? Still want to push myself to present fully at trans groups though, as I feel it'd be easier to get across that I haven't got everything figured out, but this too seems achievable now .
Still not sure how long it'll take for me to figure things out though. not sure if I said, but kind of a hypocondriac thought I've had cancer, autism, a heart attack(my panic attack) and broken bones before(though my paranoia does ironically keep me in good health )so still not sure if this is a permanent part of me or just a symptom of that especially as I didn't get therapy till late in life.
Because I now feel I have a definite end goal and know where I want to go at least somewhat, where as before I was just exploring not knowing where my exploration would take me at all, even seriously considering opening up about this issue with my dad or aunt now, though how to do so is another issue entirely , but I at least feel confident I know what I'd want to get across .