My elation at receiving a scholarship is now undermined by my fear of losing it this early in the semester, as well as really being kicked out from, not just my program, but in college.
I now believe that one of my teachers is out to get me. Everyday he tries to find a reason to humiliate me in class, with or without dropping my name. First day of classes, it was my posture. The succeeding days, it was my frowning and weird facial expressions when taking notes. But usually it's my habit of doodling in class, playing with my pen, fidgeting in my seat, and not being a note-taking robot in class, in general. I don't disrupt the class; I apparently distract him.
I'm sorry if I may look disrespectful, but these bad habits is part of my learning process. Doodling, from random scribbles to all out artworks, keeps me focused on listening, otherwise my brain wanders and I daze off and I don't learn. I can't stay still, I could never stay still in my seat. Even as a child, even as a young adult. Something needs to move; (silent) feet tapping or pen twirling or biting my lips or whatever. I sneeze and have watery eyes because seasonal allergies. I warm my hands because I feel cold. I'm sleep deprived from studying for his class, hence the yawning. My face is weird because I'm having trouble trying to shortcut what he says for my notes. Plus, I have scoliosis, so of course my posture is crooked and I have to adjust my position to make myself comfortable.
This professor, although he has no position in the History department other than just being a professor, is one of the oldest out there. He can influence the chair's decision in accepting me in the program because of his seniority. I bet he can even pull the strings so I won't be accepted in amy program in the college. He even threatened to drop me from class if I misbehave, calling me my behavior out for the reason I'm a floating Linguistics student.
For the record, I failed the first semester because I forced myself to be a robot who does nothing but take down notes and be as still and unnoticeable as possible in her seat, among other personal problems. Unfortunately, I can't conform to the mold and failed, miserably. Thankfully I bounced back by returning to my creative ways of studying and learning. Doubt he'd find my scholarship noteworthy, though. He might even accuse me of sucking up to my previous teachers to raise my grades, or something...
No joke, I'm terrified of him. My future depends on his opinion on me, and right now, it's terrible, and my future looks grim. Even my BC 100 prof, while as scary as he is, had his sweet moments and never publicly shown his distaste for me (if he had one). But this one...God help me stay and pass History 102.
(sorry for the rant...)