The Spire (WiP)

Hello guys, this is my first work, The Spire (name is subject to change). It is a futuristic fantasy story with the world slowly being overtaken. In this story, you’ll play as a soldier in the beginning, however should you choose you can also take another path. Mysterious towers that have some sort of secret, are you willing to enter to find out though? In a futuristic world devastated by a war, you’ll first have to survive.

You can play as a male or female. I’m still thinking if I should add an unassigned gender atm.
Romance options are not introduced yet, but there will be a couple.

Any problems or criticisms, please let me know.

Link: https://dashingdon.com/go/4406

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found error : hell line 189: It is illegal to fall out of a *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.

Also, that beginning where you talk about locking choices . I personally don’t see why ? it’s called choices for a reason . And it should be the player decision to…decide if in x scene they wanna act stoic or blubber and beg for a kleenex .

But that’s just me .

Other then that, can we have a set of Pants instead of SKIRT . I hate skirt .

Should be fixed. I was editing some mistakes and going over my game, so that must be what caused the problem.

I see. I thought it might be good to make a personality persistent, but I guess nobody will like that?

About the pants/skirt, it’s just to assign your gender. I’ll of course not force you to wear a skirt or whatever, I’ll make it so you can choose what to wear.

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well some peoples may like that . But don’t forget, in games like these . Since there is no pictures, no visual, no sound . We role play alot .

If you lock a personality down, you limit the role play route .

I can pick the same choice as the person next to me when they answered something, but we may not have chosen to spare an idiot . I could choose to shoot him in the face if I want to .

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While there’s not necessarily much to go off of, the initial concept seems interesting! The military background at the start certainly makes for a different perspective, and I wonder about how the mutations (?) will affect the player.

To me it seemed weird how quick Chris was to break rank around a seemingly superior officer, given that he was playing messenger boy for an assumedly urgent briefing. I certainly wasn’t expecting them to go from “Sir, reporting!” to bumbling “thanks for saving me years ago.” Although I can understand how he can have a lot of gratefulness to us, that seems like something said in a mess hall rather than during an urgent report, but maybe it’ll be expanded on later. Seems like he’ll be an RO with that kind of mentality and history with us, and I’m all for seeing if a savior complex will be inclusive of his character due to your actions.

In regards to the clothing determining your sex, hmm, that’s a bit tougher. I personally see it as a non-issue, given that I don’t really care for fashion or anything like that, and I even did that myself in my writing. The issue I see is that I personally didn’t even see it as choosing my sex. I was just like “Oh, a clothing option,” then later game’s like “Hey, you’re a man.” Alright, sounds good, since that was my intention, but I do know of a LOT of women who would probably choose shirt and pants just because they prefer that over blouses and skirts, then later discover that was actually the gender choice of the game. Perhaps offering a couple other choices, and denoting somewhere that the choice determines your sex so people aren’t blindsided haha.

Also that wall of text at the end was, whew, that was a doozy! I wasn’t expecting such an exposition dump after you built up the introduction sequence to be so enigmatic. Some people may really like having the information all present and ready for them during the beginning so they aren’t running like chickens with there heads cut off going “what the hell is happening in this world??” but I’m under the mindset of gradual buildup, and personally love when events are experienced or learned about firsthand. Maybe having the MC reading the initial reports could allow you to break up the text with different reaction options? Of course, this is just a personal qualm of mind, so take it with a grain of salt :slight_smile:

I’d have to agree with Red. Limiting personality options due to a couple choices at the beginning of the game is something I can personally see getting a lot of flak. The great thing about humans is that we can adapt to the situation, which is also a major portion of a military mindset. Coming from a military background, the MC may react much different and stoically in combat situations where they’ve had rigorous training in, but may be a shy, blundering fool in social situations if they’re flirted with. Locking things to a set personality may hinder a player’s experience by not allowing them to react in the methods that they wish in the current situation they’re in.

This is just my initial tidbits! I do enjoy the concept, and wonder how far the mutations and tower developments will go.

P.S. Nice FlexTape reference. :slight_smile:

7 Likes

Maybe add the history in the stats page?

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@LeoXII Thanks for pointing out the problems! Yes, I’m not too used to military stuff so I accidentally without knowing made it seem casual. I’m trying to go for something a bit gritty, but I guess it came off too casual. I too saw that wall of text and I was thinking do I even want to throw all this??

Will be editing and making changes.

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First, interesting concept. :thinking:

Second, I agree with @E_RedMark about locking choices. What may work is minor flavour text, but choices is a far bigger thing. Flavour as if you’re established to be shy a really public event might make you blush against you will. But even that can be taken too far. Small details, I think, would work. :relaxed:

I think what would happen is for the guy to ask to speak freely first. ‘Permission to speak freely, ma’am/sir?’ kind of deal. Then they can speak from the heart, if given permission. :slight_smile:

My thoughts any way, keen to learn more about this world of yours.

5 Likes

Maybe add a few other super power options such as hands(shoot plasma), head (telekinesis). Either way looking forward to more.

Normally, military and paramilitary (police and such) organizations use last names. So it wouldn’t be Captain Evan/Eve (unless that is the MCs last name).

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this good story wish you luck

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