The Shadow War (WiP)

[Zadit]

Looks promising and all but i would give a recommendation the backstory seems quick you could add a part before where we choose our fathers job for example chief like he is now maybe he could be one of the merchants kate stole off or head of the royal guard ect. They could give more backstory and be ways to segway into the later parts and it could be an easier way to beat lukes ass due to our stats also being effected due to this. Im really looking forward to further updates ive seen alot of games fail me recently and i believe this has a chance.

Some other examples of the mc fathers jobs:
Hunter (bow +20)
Thief ( stealth +20)
Merchant ( charisma/persuassion +20)
Kings advisor (diplomacy +20)

This seems like alot and i dont want to burden you so this is just something i thought.

[lokidemon007]

This looks good! Will definitely be watching this one!

[Frogs]

“Ive just remembered that the shop is closed for today. Ill carry on her. Would you like to too?”
Should be carry on here
Alyssa was pretty nice by the way
Also this:
You subconsiously wipe your sweaty hands down your sides and make sure your hair is looking god.
It should be subconsciously and looking good.
Anyone can sit anywhere and so their is a great deal of noise
There*

[Numex]

[Blank]

You added a f to her

[ElvesForTheWin]

@Numex @Frogs Thanks for those. Fixed

@Blank Thanks, corrected that but i am currently expanding on the expedition part and so won`t re-upload the scene just yet.

@Zadit That`s a nice idea! I am kinda in a conundrum about whether to include it or not as it would throw off my stat checks a bit. I will try and include it later. And yes, I will expand on the backstory soon. Luke is making a few enemies in this forum! #StompLuke is now probably trending everywhere.

Going out to everyone : thanks for the support and suggestions. I am still in need of a better name however. Any suggestions for a name would be very appreciated!

[Blank]

am I the only one who actually wants to ro luke

[Vattena]

Interesting so far, though a little worried about the planned diverse path may wear you out

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Somethings that I've found (sorry for the nitpicking)

I’m putted off with the stats notification, can’t it be in the end of the page? (In case it’s changing *label, you can put *page_break at the said part)

Or at least, can the notification is like this:

[Intelligence +10]

Or

(Intelligence +10)

?

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I think “still” will be more suitable than “are”:

You still wearing the…

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The square is large stone circle…

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Might just me, but I think the comma is too many, you might want to erase some of it.

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Unnecessary dot/full stop.

Name suggestions

• Nightmare Awakens
• Darkness of Light
• Unforeseen Shade
• Bordor Threat (is bordor typo of border BTW?)

Can’t think of anything else, it’s hard to suggest title if don’t know what the story will all about

I advice to make the title hint of what the story (from start to end) will be about in few word. The example is Kingdoms: Embers In Ashes, it’s hinting (and tease) readers what it will be about.

[ElvesForTheWin]

Thanks for those! Going to correct those now. I`m actually completely ashamed of that square / circle one

Yeh I meant to put brackets around those stat notifications but never got round to doing it. Thanks for those name suggestions!

Yes I am a bit worried I have bitten off more than I can chew but we will see how it goes!

Will correct that comma splice as well.

@Blank

am I the only one who actually wants to ro luke

All the girls love him, all the boys hate him shrug