The Shadow Society (WIP) Writing Update on #1545

This is a good story here, and i look forward to reading more of the storygame lol

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Great start! Looking forward to the next updates

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@Carawen I like the demo so far. It actually ticks all the boxes necessary for it to become a good story. Whenever I read a story, I primarily consider two things- 1. The style of writing
2. The interaction between different characters.
So far, this project of yours has done admirably well in both the aspects. Your style of writing is candid enough to make sure that the readers glue to their seat throughout the story, and that’s a big advantage, no matter what the story turns out to be. I really like the dialogues, they are pretty hilarious and feels very much real. The pace of the story is ideal for me as well, with a very well constructed prologue. I like the characters, too, mainly because I feel that each of them has a story of their own, and has their own reason for existing, aside from being company to the MC. That said, I am really looking forward to what the future offers.
Given the potential this story holds, it can cause quite a buzz in this forum. You just have to play your cards right, and I suggest looking up to Seraphinite on how to make a WIP successful.

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UPDATE: I have looked over the demo and corrected/changed some things. Hopefully, there should be no more pronoun mix ups, although I will keep looking through my scenes in case I missed something. I have also done as a few suggested and put the naming part later in the game, as well as added more haircolor options. The updated link is in the original post. Hope y’all enjoy!

@zeke Thanks so much :blush:

@pxpx Thanks a lot! Stay tuned :blush:

@CalcuttaCalling Wow, that is quite the comment! I can’t tell you how much it means to receive such a thorough evaluation. I’m so happy you like the writing and the dialogue; it’s very important for me that the characters have lives of their own, and although some may come of as stereotypes at the start, I hope to allow the reader to discover deeper layers of them over the course of the books :blush: Oh, I know Seraphinite; she’s a great author! Thanks again for the lovely comment!

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@Carawen I most definitely will. Like I said the story seemed very interesting. I look forward to enjoying it soon. After the fixes, I will be able to fully immerse and maybe give a better constructive critique.

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This is really good so far. The characters are interesting, and the world is intriguing. :slight_smile: Just one suggestion: on the page where you meet Vince, it says his hair empathizes it even more. It should be emphasizes. But good job so far!

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You’re right! I relied too much on autocorrect (English is not my first language). Thank you so much for pointing it out! It should say emphasizes now :blush:

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@Carawen
Really like how this is going so far, can’t wait to getting know the characters and this shadow more :slightly_smiling_face:

Some mistake, suggestions and opinions:

Found it weird this option appear even though my MC have hair.


It’s just need space after the comma.


You might want to make this:

…same thing as I am.


… taking a moment to look between…


It may just me, but I found this many opposed stats… A little intimidating :sweat_smile:

I also found it weird that there no MC surname :thinking: having our choosed appearance in stats also will be nice.


I also found this stats screen off (though of course it’s may just me), maybe try add “Skill:” before skill percent bar? And what “stats: relationship” for? :thinking:

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Wow. Really great so far. One of the best demos that’s been on this forum for a while. I’m very much looking forward to playing more.

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@Carawen I don’t want to be an a-hole, but do you think you could change the title logo? Dark blue font on black completely obscures whatever you got written there.

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I don’t have any issues reading it???

Are you on a phone???

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Same here, but I read it both in my pc browser and my phone. Perhaps the settings on the phone? Some phones are weird about colors and lighting.

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@Carawen How do I increase Quaiel’s friendship stat or romance stat? None of the choices I make seems to do anything.

Summary

On a bit of a side note, I did notice something somewhat odd when I chose to look into Quaiel’s eyes instead of the others:


The highlighted sentence just seems odd since my character hasn’t seen the other characters yet…

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I really enjoyed the demo :slight_smile:
All met characters are interesting and I can’t wait to find out more about each and every one of them.
Some goes for the world you are building.
I like your style, especially the last scence was written very well, since it conveys the MCs confusion tangible.
Looking forward for more! :smiley:

Found wrong Pronoun in last scene

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@Vattena Thank you so much! Maybe the “bald” options should only appear if you chose to be bald, but I decided to include it even if you had chosen hair since it was easier. Same if you chose bald; you will still get all the options. That might seem a bit lazy, and probably something that I will change in the updated demo version :slight_smile: Thanks for the corrections, I will fix that ASAP!
Yeah, the stats page is still in an experimental stage :sweat_smile: I just wanted to include a lot of different personality traits, but they don’t have any effect on if you will be able to do something or not. It will mostly warrant reactions from other characters, so there’s no need to feel intimidated by it! The skill stats are the ones that determine how particular scenes will play out, determined on the option you choose and what stat you’ve chosen at the start.
I will implement a surname, I’m just still a beginner and haven’t spent a terrible amount of time on the stat page yet :confounded: That will also change for the updated demo! The relationship stats are for keeping track on your relationship with the characters :blush:

@Kurvo Wow, thank you so much! I hope you like the updated demo when it comes out :blush:

@MightyCaz That’s not a-holey at all! I was the one who chose a black background and dark blue text, although I tried to make the text lighter so that it would be possible to see the text. I could try to upload just the text without the black background if some people have trouble reading it.
Though as @2xs and @Lycanthromorphic said, maybe it’s just a phone issue?

@Kinsmarte Thank you so much! I hope you will enjoy the rest of the story :blush:

@VioletHikari You can’t improve friendship/rivalry with A or Q in the demo, and the only one you can gain romance points with is currently M; it’s because it’s just at the introduction stage. The updated demo version will have scenes that lets you befriend/flirt with all of the characters! Sorry for the confusion. As for the clothes part - you’re right. I’m going to fix that ASAP! Thank you for the comment!

@Orchid Thank you so so much! :smile: And argh I was sure I had fixed all the pronoun issues. Thank you SO much for pointing it out!

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This demo was actually really captivating, really loving it so far. The only issues I had were a BUNCH of pronoun errors (most of them fixed now) and the stats screen is very confusing and messy, but I see someone already commented on that and I agree with them wholeheartedly so I won’t go in depth about that :stuck_out_tongue: But yeah, definitely looking forward to how this develops. Also, just a suggestion, every time that you make a big update/add more content, you should probably edit the title to say “Update X/XX” or “Demo X/XX”. Makes it easier to keep track of for the lurkers and lazy people :grin:

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love this game hope keep on going hope get punch football player that is my big wish in this game

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@L0G1C Thank you so much! I’m going over the scenes again to look for more errors, and the stat screen will definitely be updated! It doesn’t serve any real purpose in the demo, which is why I didn’t spend that much time on it :sweat_smile: And that’s a very good suggestion! The next update (apart from error fixes etc.) will have more content, so I will make sure to change the title when I do that :blush:

@Takashi_Shin LMAO I will take that into consideration! Thank you so much :joy:

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He broken in my old home got me in this he hell world so punch in face is my payback :innocent::rage: have good day:innocent:

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But in that hell world you find what’s basically a harem from where to choose a RO, not so hellish I would say.

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