The Sadaran Legacy book series. Please give feedback and ask questions


#1

This is mostly to get feedback and criticism. I am a first time author and I am writing this book with two friends. This book started as an idea when I was five years old and I have developed it over the years. The main premise is that in the beginning of the world their were six gods and 2 goddesses. They were Ehenar the god of Wisdom and Architecture, Motyx the God of Death, Trials, and the Underworld, Xaftar, God of Fire and Destruction, his brother Xyrasil the God of War and Fear, Aeyr the God of Survival, Tracking and Archery which sounds cliche but I needed to throw it in because archery is important, Seraph the God of Swordsmanship, Organization, and Order, Awtia the Goddess of Health, and Sadara the Goddess of Hunting, Tracking, and Sacrifice. These Gods had children with who each other who did not inherit their parents divine being, but were still powerful in their own right. They were Zenthia the daughter of Ehenar, Zylana the daughter of Zylana, Telaróa the daughter of Sadara, Larongar the son of Ehenar, Koltor the Son of Aeyr and Sadara, Kindroth the son of Motyx, and Vampyron the son of Aeyr and Sadara. Kindroth became a Master Swordsman and Knife Fighter, but he was a terrible archer and so were his descendants. Kindroth became a powerful Mage and eventually a Necromancer. Larongar became a diplomat. Vampyron became a Master Archer and Tracker. The combined human forces of four kingdoms attacked the elves at their fortress of Elberc. The elves were sustaining horrible losses until Kindroth delved into Necromancy which his father taught him as a young boy and saved the day, only to be shunned by his surviving brethren. He took his children and his undead army and Revenants to Mount Erebos and sealed himself in the mountain. Koltor’s wife and youngest son were killed by one of Kindroth’s children so he forged a pure black sword out of pure Erebos Steel and named it Carasor Dinn, which means bane of Darkness. Vampyron killed a human prisoner and was exiled by Larongar, and in his anger Koltor vowed never to return to elven territory until Vampyron was allowed to return. The human forces were so decimated that four very independent kingdoms formed the First Imperial Tetrarchy. Fifty years later one of Koltor’s Sons tried to marry one of Larongar’s granddaughter and he was killed by her brother in a fit of rage. Three Hundred Years later Koltor’s great grandson Faenen Barone didn’t know his heritage due to King Xedrol, the current king. and his effort to remove all evidence of the once great bloodline. The King makes a deal with a small tribe of goblins for a massive shipment of Erebos Steel they had stolen. Instead of paying them he killed their best warriors and took their weapons and armor and the shipment. This angered the goblins so ,much that when the elves had their Festival in honor of Sadara, they sent their best assassins to kill the king, but they misidentified the target and killed the queen instead. The assassins were killed by Faenen and another Guard on duty named Kassari Jarex. The King mobilized the army to attack the goblins’ nearest base camp and started the training of special forces. Faenen and Kassari were chosen to be some of the first in a new generation of the revamped Sadaran Hunters. BTW Faenen is a Half Elf so he is despised by the elves and the humans, and their is another half elf in the Sadaran Hunters but only later on. I will reveal more of the plot as questions are asked. Please ask questions about the book the plot the characters and the cultures and worlds.


Sadaran Hunters (This is not an interactive novel, but it is a book I am writing, please give feedback and ask questions, criticism is welcome)
#2

No offense, but if your book isn’t broken into paragraphs and is a wall of text like this post, then I can’t read it.


#3

Adding to what @IronRaptor said, canyou break that up into paragraphs? Or better yet, can you list all the characters and what their powers are and things, and then tell us the plot? (Sorry Im just having trouble reading what you wrote).


#4

I have a neurological condition that causes me to see an overlay of what looks like television static all the time. It makes walls of text, especially when it is black text on a white background, extremely hard to read. I could really use some paragraphs here such that I got as far as your gods having children then had to give up…

However I will say that I probably wouldn’t read something with a bunch of weirdly named characters, even if said weirdly named characters are all deities. Maybe you’re deities are supposed to have names that are not easily pronounceable be humans, but it is going to make something tedious and not a fun read. For example, I’m not even sure how to go about pronouncing Xyrasil, which means I’m not going to remember what it is he does or if he’s even a he because there’s no name I can easily pronounce to associate with what this even character does in the first place.


#5

I have to admit, when I see large walls of text like this, it makes me less tempted to read what’s there. I understand the excitement and wanting to add everything important, but there are better ways to do it than an information drop the size of Angel Falls.

Another matter is the names. Someone already mentioned this as well, but names are supposed to be memorable, fitting, maybe even easy to pronounce. There’s nothing wrong with a complicated name, but some of the names look more like random letters put together than an actual name. You also have a lot of deities. That can be difficult for people to remember. Sure, mythologies do have many gods and goddesses, but many of them didn’t have a proper set of rules either. I noticed you have both a God (Aeyr) and a Goddess (Sadara) of Tracking. It seems somewhat unnecessary to have two deities on the same thing. They also have Hunting and Survival, which kind of goes under the same umbrella for many. I feel like some of them could be merged or possibly have more distinct roles. Some of them are fine, but having ten deities with two-three God-Of each and many of them filling similar roles, I see them as kind of forgettable and easy to mix up.

I would advise you to take another look at your post, clean up the information and make it easier to read. Give us a general run-down of its world, the deities, the plot, characters, etc. I understand that lore can be difficult to make, and it takes work to make it make sense in the context of the world. I don’t mind the amount itself, but when you add the demigods and the regulars and everything, it becomes very hard to remember what’s what without a way to make the (important) characters stand out more. Probably the reason I dropped the Game of Thrones series. :slight_smile:


#6

As everyone says, walls of text and a horde of characters all being introduced at once makes for hard reading.

I did manage to make it through, but what is the story? All i’m seeing is history, not what the book will focus on. What is the main goal? The singular quest that intrigues readers into wanting to see through?


#7

^ is this right?

I mean I’m fine with mashed up wall’O’text but be mindful of the others here :smile:

Are ye sayin’ that Koltor forges a powerful blade without being a master blacksmith? :thinking: (you didn’t describe any of Koltor’s traits… Except that he might be quite proud? So I can only assume and guess).

Also there seems to be a suprising amount of ‘X’ starting names… among gods and mortals which may become confusing to some readers.

And what about the MC, who do we play as? What’s their story?

Otherwise it’s a nice idea :smile:


#8

A simple guide for you to break the wall into paragraphs (pun not intended)

P1. Basic description of deities and their power
P2. Basic description of the children of these deities
P3 (optional). More detailed info about your deities, especialmly the one that takes part heavily into the plot
P4. Detailed info about the conflicting children of the deities
P5. The plot of your story


#9

Since people are having trouble reading, I compiled the info below :smile:

-Deities-

Summary

Ehenar - God of Wisdom and Architecture,

Motyx - God of Death, Trials, and the Underworld,

Xaftar - God of Fire and Destruction,

Xyrasil (brother of Xaftar) - God of War and Fear,

Aeyr - God of Survival, Tracking and Archery

Seraph - God of Swordsmanship, Organization, and Order,

Awtia - Goddess of Health,

Sadara - Goddess of Hunting, Tracking, and Sacrifice,

-Children of the Gods (Not a reference at all :wink:)-

Summary

Zenthia - Daughter of Ehenar,

Zylana - Daughter of Zylana,

Telaróa - Daughter of Sadara,

Koltor - Son of Aeyr and Sadara,

Larongar - Son of Ehenar - Diplomat,

Kindroth - Son of Motyx - Master Swordsman and Knife Fighter. Him and his descendants are terrible archers. Powerful Mage and later Necromancer,

Vampyron - Son of Aeyr and Sadara - Master archer and tracker,

-Known Children of the Children of the Gods-

Faenen Barone - Half-elf - Koltor’s great grandson
Romeo - Koltor’s Son,
Juliet - Larongar’s granddaughter,
Tybalt - Larongar’s grandson,

-Known Conflicts & History-

Summary
  1. Unnamed fight between the elves and the four human kingdoms, the children of the deities seem to be in aid of the elves.

  2. At an unknown year Kindroth delves in Necromancy to defend the elves against the combined forces of the four human kingdoms.
    (Kindroth becomes shunned by his surviving brethren)

  3. At an unknown year Kindroth, along with his children and his undead army seal themselves within Mount Erebos.

  4. At an unknown year Koltor’s wife and youngest son are murdered by one of Kindroth’s offspring.
    Koltor forges Carasor Dinn , a sword made of pure Erebos steel .
    (Relations between Kindroth and Koltor are… pretty awful…

  5. At an unknown year Vampyron killed a human prisoner and was banished.
    Koltor vowed to never set foot in elven territory until Vampyron was forgiven.

  6. At an unknown year the remains of the four human kingdoms formed the First Imperial Tetrarchy

  7. 50 years later (after 5.) - A ‘Romeo & Juliet’-esque love between one of Koltor’s sons and Larongar’s granddaughter…
    Romeo was murdered by Tybalt (although he is the brother here).

300ish years later;

  1. At an unknown year after - Current King Xedrol attempts to hide and remove all evidence of Koltor’s bloodline.

  2. At an unknown year Current King Xedrol betrays a deal with a small tribe of goblins. He stole the original shipment (a large supply of Erebos steel and the equipment of the fallen.

  3. At an unknown year, during Sadara’s festival goblin assassins killed the Queen, wife of the Current King after a failed attempt on his life.

  4. Current King Xedrol mobilises his army & installs Faenen (and another Half-elf guard Kassari) to become ‘Sadara Hunters’ .

-To Note-

  1. A typo may have names Kindroth as the Master Swordsman instead of Koltor (not official, just my thought).

  2. I’m under the impression that we will be playing as Faenen… though I could be wrong…

  3. Tybalt, Romeo and Juliet aren’t their real names… they are unnamed at the moment of writing this.


#10

I’d read this for sure, now that I can actually tell what the plot is (thanks @LightningGarfunkel).


#11

No problem :smile: @augustus27


#12

I don’t think we are playing as anyone. This is a book. Not an interactive novel I think.

And on the other marks people made, they’re all correct. But I think the big problem isn’t the wall of text (which is off putting) of the names (also so), but that it’s just information dump. This is a history to a world that doesn’t yet exist. If you introduced it by explaining what’s taking place NOW, in the present of the story, and then explaining how all this came to be, it would probably be better.

Instead of
The Jedi, a group of people who can use the Force, a telekinetic-like power with other attributes, were formed in Tython and a horrible civil war arose between them and a splinter group called the Sith, who are evil Jedi that draw upon their rage. The Jedi beat the Sith and the Sith go into exile. On the planet Korriban, multiple Sith Lords grow in power, Ajunta Pall, with his mighty war sword…
Etc. Just imagine I explained everything in Star Wars lore, which I don’t even know, up until Episode 4.

Now, the summary of Episode 4 on Google
The Imperial Forces – under orders from cruel Darth Vader – hold Princess Leia hostage, in their efforts to quell the rebellion against the Galactic Empire. Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon, work together with the companionable droid duo R2-D2 and C-3PO to rescue the beautiful princess, help the Rebel Alliance, and restore freedom and justice to the Galaxy.

And from that point you can build the entire universe behind it. As of right now I’m not even sure what the plot is starting at and what the conflict even is.

I’m not saying it can’t be good, I’m just saying that it has more potential.


#14

Ah I see, I was thinking that this was a cog wip thread… carry on, aheh… :sweat_smile:


#15

Hey don’t worry about it, I appreciate the information compiliation. Makes it much easier to decipher.


#16

Yeah sorry I had to rush through writing it I’ll post it again soon


#17

I made it hard to pronounce because I am too lazy to make up different languages so I decided to make a couple words that are hard to pronounce so that it seems foreign to the humans in the series. And I won’t dwell on eleven words very much


#18

There is a reason the gods all have similar powers and responsibilities in the series I will explain more later but I will clean up the post


#19

The reason for the X starting names is that when words are translated from the language of the gods most of them appear to start with an X due to their being more letters in their language so they end up sounding quite different. Koltor’ blade was not a masterpiece it was the soul of his enemies infuses into a jagged length of Erebos steel he had which he formed into a blade which he fashioned into a sword. He is not a master blacksmith and he is quite proud


#20

Zhlana daughter of Sadara sorry


#21

Faenen is the mc of the story with several characters introduced later