Oh I adore this!!! I’m actually getting The Office vibes from the demo and all. The humour is good and the interactions between MC and the characters feel so natural. I especially loved how the deal breaker for the job was essentially a hell pet that I love so very much
Another thing that struck me is how hot everything seems to be, wow. I live in and am used to a cool climate so anything above 24°C (75°F for all you americans out there) and I feel like ripping my skin off, yikes. I can imagine my MC at some point reaching boiling point and just unleashing a rage fit on their job, clients and coworkers due to the extreme heat.
All in all, consider me impressed. I don’t have much critique, seeing as we’re only seeing the beginning of it all but regardless, I’m really looking forward to seeing where this goes!!
Hey, this WIP is awesome! I love the wacky humour and the day to day style of the writing.
I also picked up on a mistake while picking through the code. When you tell the man you’re doing his paperwork and to stop his infernal tapping, you gain politeness rather than lose it.
I laughed out loud when you mentioned Dante Alighieri and his influence on religion (and the visualisation of hell) back in his day. Love the way you integrated him in there!
This was very well-written and absolutely hilarious. I’m a huge fan of all things Hell and Fire, so I enjoyed this one, especially since it deviates from the ominous nature of punishment. The word choice really got to me, and your writing style is something many could immediately relate to. Keep it up, would love to see this come to fruition.
P.S. I named my hellhound Mrs. O’Leary. Bless your heart. I love that thing to bits already.
I understand that there are no Coups or all that but i hope the game is not entirely static, If you want to have the contrast with normal I think promotion should be possibility. i mean Ordinary Bureocrat game except set in Hell.
Also not fan of the y in Lucifer, perhaps switching from Lucy to Laicy ? because the contrast of Ordinaly name Lucy and Formal Lucius doesnt quite fit.
Also loved the pun and References in the Gabriel Michael, Ariel. 3 Archangels and then you actually managed to find names that fit naming pattern.
Lucifer also comes out as bit Too familirial, I would go less desperate and more There is too much bureocracy and we need more people and you fit so im prepared to treat you as valued Employe. Less of friend asking you to join startup more of Friendly Boss thinking you are right fit and it would be advantageous to both.
Personally, I’d just go with “Lucifer” for a masculine or feminine Lucifer. Corporeal beings get so fussed about about such matters, the incorporeal are more pragmatic.
So, um, there’s no actual corporate ladder to climb. There aren’t promotions, although there could be opportunities to get different, more specific jobs. Hell is most insistent on equality.