The P.I of Aldshore [WIP] (error 404 fix)

The main character is a private detective who opened his agency about six months ago. Engaged in a murder case, it’s a chance to make the agency known… and discover a face of the world hidden from mortals.


Hello everyone! :slightly_smiling_face:

I’m new as a writer but I’ve been on the forums for almost three years now. Reading interactive fiction and CoG games (hosted and other).

I’m French with a very average level of English expression and I’ve never written a story. (Yeah, I know, it’s look bad :sweat_smile:) but I want to improve and learn, so I decided to get started.

For almost two months I’ve been working hard on this project and I finally managed to do something with it. It’s still a rough draft but I have an overall plan for building the story. Basically, I didn’t want to publish a demo before chapter three, but as I said, for me it’s all new. So I’d rather publish it now and find out if what I’m doing is passable or to throw away.

I already have a plan for two more books but I’ll at least try to make one :laughing:

Now let’s talk a little more about the… book.

  • The story will focus mainly on the characters, their stories and their evolutions.
  • There will be romance, friendships and a lot of angst (because I love angst :joy:).
  • I want (and hope) that the main character is as lively as possible, with tastes, preference, background…

Be aware:

  • I will add a non-binary option for the MC.
  • The story will be mature content as violence, physical abuse…etc
  • The WIP contains spelling mistakes, code errors, weird phrases… Don’t hesitate to let me know.
  • I am open to suggestions. (More choices, rewrite a scene…)

I think I said the most important, feel free to give me advice, your opinion or even ask a question… I’m all ears.

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/go/5169
I know some people prefer Tumblr, so here’s mine: https://iamboringandbored.tumblr.com

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Maybe I missed it, but you should add a description of the game. What it is about.

Also, when I clicked on the demo link, this is what came up:
Capture

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You may need to check your Dashingdon setup, I’m getting a 404 error when I try the demo.

I’ll do it as soon as I can. I’m really sorry about that. :sweat:

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Don’t worry! Mistakes happen. :grin:

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There, the 404 euro is fix :grin: (sorry again for that :sweat_smile:)

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Wow a breakup immediately. All MCs are on a roll! :laughing: Rest in pieces my heart. :broken_heart: Also yay fellow lover of angst!

Ahem, anyway… At the moment I don’t have much to comment on plot wise. Will need to read more. :thinking: I do like the characters so far though! So far the fav is Tony for me haha.

And…well…here comes the more harsher part. :persevere: For reference, all the ROs are men in my playthrough so confusion with names abound if the ROs are…female for you, reader? Yes.

  • I forgot that Anthony preferred to be called Tony and was confused when Anthony’s name popped up a lot outside dialogue. Thought Anthony was an entirely different character whoops. It’ll be easier to stick with one of their names. Tony perhaps since he prefers to be called that? If you don’t want us to forget his other name, there could be someone else who calls him Anthony to push his buttons.
  • There was a saying at the beginning… I think roommates during the breakup moment? Was Matthew our roommate or was that an idiom? Would be interesting to have a stranger for a roommate. :thinking: Yes, I will remain salty about the breakup even if the love is gone for the MC :laughing:
Screenshots for other stuff I noticed!

ss1
Awkward sentence here. In particular the concrete and puddles. I’m assuming concrete is sidewalk or a pathway of some sort. And as for the puddle being fed…from the rain? Raindrops falling into puddles? Oof I’m not actually sure how to suggest to fix it except to point it out.

ss2
Instead of wave, cold season could work better? Delete -ly from Mostly. Though you don’t need the word in the first place. ‘All’ works too. :thinking: Something like “All the shops are open with a few customers inside.”

Stray code text ahead!
ss3
ss4

It’ll help to have an English proofreader to catch awkward sentences and the like. But still. huge kudos for wanting to improve in another language. Heck, I’m an English speaker and can’t English a lot of the time. :laughing: To be honest there’s a lot that I didn’t screenshot… I’m sure that having a huge list will be intimidating, but er, if you want that do say so!

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Well first thanks a lot for reading and the time for the comment. :heart:

Yeah the breakup was the easiest way to place the romance-orientation (I don’t if that make sense :sweat_smile:) and to begin with some angst :smirk:.

Don’t worry the plot arrives a little later. I mainly wanted to see the problems with the vocabulary and my writing :sweat_smile:

As for the problem, thanks for letting me know. At first, it was Anthony all the time but I change that a week ago ans I miss some variables :sweat_smile:. I got all of them (I hope) .
And sorry if I misunderstanding but the RO gender is lock for you ?

And for the list don’t hesitate (I want to do so well that I do too much and the sentences become weird :sweat_smile:)

Again, thank you for your time. :blush:

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Don’t have much opinion except that I like the concept but congrats and I wish you a good luck in ur WIP. :slightly_smiling_face:

Some Chungky stuff

Got confused here
2020-01-21-15-53-09
You mean we?
2020-01-21-15-56-00

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I have one word,:heart:

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I wouldn’t object to seeing Matthew again somewhere. As you said, angst material. :laughing: But totally understandable if he’s there just for the sexuality question. Ohhh okay. I’ll definitely need to keep up with the updates then. Don’t want to miss when the plot becomes more of a murder mystery. :thinking:

Oh there isn’t a genderlock for ROs? My bad :laughing: Didn’t replay as a female MC so didn’t check before saying. That’ll teach me to make assumptions. Have you considered adding a list of ROs in your first post? :thinking:

Ah okay. :+1: Will go through the demo again and take screenshots the next time I replay.

Aww there’s no need for thanks! Always happy to help out. :smile:

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I think he will come back, you wont like it but I will :smirk::joy:

Don’t worry, It’s happen :joy:. I considered it, and I will do it, just thinking what I should write :sweat_smile:

Thanks a lot :hugs:

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Found a gender mismatch:

I leave my thoughts aside when I see Megan enter, my girlfriend. She shakes his umbrella at the entrance and puts it in the basket while greeting Anna.
She scans the room for my presence. When she spots me, she nods slightly and joins my table.

I’m only two or three pages in so far and am seeing lots of missing words or incorrect plural use.

“Cold wave” would probably be better phrased as “cold front” or “cold snap”

She sighs as she looks at her cup. “Listen, if I called you it’s because we need to talk.”

“If”? We’re meeting up, it isn’t a case of “if” that should be “I called you because…”

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Bug.

I fixed all the missing variables. (I hope :sweat_smile:)

I fix it.
Thanks for letting me know. :slightly_smiling_face:

I don’t think there is any error there. Its perfectly fine English IMO.

It depends on which country you are from.

Yep, I agree.

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errors


“she” “her”

“her eyes”

“hers looks”

Missing space after comma

Remove highlighted word

“this”

Still not a dude

“open”

“Clenched”

Not sure what your trying to say here.

@ImBoringandBored
Everywhere you have “Ho” it should be “Oh,”
Also, you use “pass” a couple places incorrectly. I believe you meant “stop in”, or “visit” or “drop by” for instance, when the doctor says “I will pass” after being handed your card that would be interpreted at a gentle rejection.

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I fixed them. Thanks a lot for your help. :blush:

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It is poor phrasing. The condition has already happened, it should not therefore be mentioned.

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