The Oval Office : New Update! (Half of Chapter 3) July 31st, 2018

young-adult-fiction
gender-choice
romance

#1159

colony, build new sights, found new region / capital, (dictator) build kz, influence other countries, make speech like the fascists, maybe change flag, love interest from other countries, do something for business, sport and more if you already Inside is sry


#1160

hi guys…


#1161

Hi @Spyder!


#1162

Sup


#1163

@Spyder Spydei grammar is still atrocious and i honestly feel you go overtop on the insanity i have problem believening this isnt JOKER presidency.

I get what you are trying to go but its too overtop.

For example The General looks her way for a few long hard seconds. Sighing, he shakes his head and walks back to the jeep. “Clean this place up,” he says. “And return ALL of my Nerf guns! I counted before I doled them out; I better have 107 rifles and 46 pistols BACK IN THE ARMORY!” he yells.

Doesnt work because Nerf Fire Darts, and the tone doesnt fit so perhaps something like

The General looks her way for a few long hard seconds. Sighing, he shakes his head and walks back to the jeep. “Clean this place up,” he says. “And return ALL of my Paintball guns! I counted before I doled them out; I better have 107 rifles and 46 pistols BACK IN THE ARMORY!” he yells.

This changes it from being too corny into humorous moment that also leaves the implication of general reliving his old days rather than General being insane.

I find the joke about gun too far i think the joke might better work as Hiding the last gun on President while General spents several minutes looking into every corner.

Or For example this

“Silver, bravo dude, but let’s not get carried away. Don’t scare our president to death!”

Nope leaves it too corny.

“Silver, bravo dude, but let’s not get carried away. Don’t scare our president to death!”

i would rather suggest something like

Excelent Performance Silver, You are clearly enjoying the role, But do tone it down somewhat or i will have HR pushing for psychotest because your Acting is too real.

As game stands currently it doesnt feel like Humor but outright parody. I Think you need to tone it down. Perhaps try to write both humorous version and serious version and then combine them to get the grounding ?

Also. In regards to russian names You are using the Middle name that is the patronym which is the name of Father and addition of Vich in case of men or Ovna in case of women. and generally they use the First and Last name not Patronym in official context.

So You now have President being very friendly with Russian ambasador whose fathers name was ISO. the joke doesnt work there.

In general i feel like the problem isnt the humorous scenes but the way you write them, you are essentially writing 40 something general as 20 Year old pop culture kid, rather than just writing the scenes and speaking with Narrator voice, try speaking with Character voice of that particular voice. If i can exagerate a bit Try to write the scene as if it were happening to bunch of Old farts rather than 20s something.

Thats Poland dealt with, I see what i can see about France Tomorrow.


#1164

If you’re going to complain about someone’s grammar, try and have good grammar yourself. :rolling_eyes:


#1165

Dang bro. Way to rip on our boy Spider. It’s called a WIP for a reason :joy: and some people like parodies


#1166

hello


#1167

@Bugreporter

Even flawed man is entitled to Critisize flaws of others.

@Jackpot1776

Its less ripping and more of tough love, I genuinely hope to help Spidey.

@Qwtdr that isnt done here according to rules, better delete the post.


#1168

…People like me! :stuck_out_tongue: I can’t wait till the next update, haven’t played this one yet, as waiting till the full chapter is complete, but I love how over the top it is, it has me literally lolling all the time :stuck_out_tongue: .


#1169

We don’t do that here


#1170

Hey man. Sorry for not responding sooner! School started back again and I have been kinda busy choosing my major, getting acclimated to the campus and everything else. I do apologize for the late response.

My grammar is atrocious? I’m sorry if you feel that way. I don’t publish any of my chapters without proofreading it so it must be a glitch in the coding or something else that may be spelled differently. Can you perhaps point out examples of poor writing?

??? I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say here. Are you saying its a problem for the fake guns being NERF guns, instead it should be PAINTBALL guns or something else? I’m really lost here. If that IS the case, I also don’t understand why Nerf guns can’t be used in this scenario.

Lol. I don’t think ANYONE will ever figure out my purpose in writing this story. Is it just simply humorous writing? Or am I making fun of the presidency and politics? Hmm… Guess you guys have to stick around till the end :thinking::thinking::wink:

No offense here, but I feel like we are speaking two different languages. I literally have no idea what you are saying, or what the problem is.

Can you elaborate???

:zipper_mouth_face::zipper_mouth_face::zipper_mouth_face:

WHAAAA?!?!? Bro, seriously I am not joking, I cannot understand you at ALL. Whatever do you mean???


#1171

I kinda felt that way to but apparently it was all in good meaning… Appreciate it bro :sunglasses::smile:

My mom used to say “the pot can’t call the skillet black”… I’ll let you guys figure that one out…

Awww! I love seeing you around here :grin::grin: appreciate all the love @CreepyPastaKittyFay. I love making people laugh/be happy and I guess that’s working out for me, I GUESS. Lol.

black%20panther%20we%20dont%20do%20that%20here

I love memes. Carry on :joy::joy::joy:


#1172

The paintball part is that, if you’re checking for whether the President (Secret Service agent) has been “shot” then you can tell because of the splash of paint, but because Nerf darts just fall to the floor (and Velcro is pretty terrible), so in reality, for accuracy purposes, paintballs make more sense.


#1173

They used paintballs to shoot Jay leno in The Professional. I don’t think you can ever fake a shooting with Nerf they’re silent, foam, and Technicolor … I haven’t played this update but if it’s supposed to be a fake out assassination paintball with red paint would be best.

Edit: I officially position for The option of being an musician or entertainer before getting into politics and the outfit of Sequined bodysuit. So I can play president Sexbang as seen here
6TgC_kdZ3-JqgHrugwQLrCKO3XXNfNlqUDUL_mUPGBE


#1174

@Spyder

Nerf Gun doesnt work for Reasons mentioned above, and it also make general look Childish having collection of nerf guns, while paintball guns would still be fun quirk and make sense.

As for the Dialogues you write 40s year old general like he is 21 year old student. It doesnt fit the character tone simply doesnt fit. 40s year old general is going to behave differently than 21 year old student even when having fun. Your tone makes me think of Frat party rather than Administration just being human.

Russian Names, You Used First name and Patronym instead of First Name Last name russians use in official context.

Patronym being Name after father so if your father is named Alexander Dobrovský for example then you might be Anton Alexejevic Dobrovoský.

The Middle name The Patronym is used between friends, Check wiki for russian diplomats and Check What name is there.

The poland joke was that Im done with part of this and more is to follow.


#1175

Nerf guns are cheaper than paintball guns, so I suppose it would be more logical to use them.


#1176

Nerf Guns are unreliable, short range because styrofoam doesn’t fly far, and you don’t feel them if they hit. Having finished the updated version and knowing the context. Paintball or BB guns BB especially if you’re trying to describe them as hand guns like when you get cornered.

Nerf
s-l300

Paintball
download%20(12)
BB
download%20(18)

Also I’m guessing by the tone of the game there’s going to be no consequences at home at least for a single mom president reaching in her secret service agents pants, giving naked interviews and making out with reporters, and likely reaching the mile high club in chapter 3.


#1177

@dungeon_master
In chapter 1.

You sigh and look up at your VP, Penny,who is behind the slightly open door, their head

The bolded word should be: {vphim}

In the choice: “Penny you know you can just call me Samuel. No need to be so formal around here.”

You chuckle and grin at them.

The bolded word should be: {vphim}.

When choosing goals for the upcoming 4 years.

Leagalising Drugs

Legalising


#1178

I can kind of understand what @CaesarCzech was getting at with the “humor turned parody” thing. The way the discription for the WiP is written it makes it seem like a serious political game with some humorous aspects, rather than a full blown parody. Plus the tones of some of the interactions didn’t match the others (your first interaction with the press vs. the whole nerf dart episode). I’m not saying that you can’t write the way you want, I’m just saying that the game feels a bit all over the place in terms of tone and what to expect.