@Spyder Spydei grammar is still atrocious and i honestly feel you go overtop on the insanity i have problem believening this isnt JOKER presidency.
I get what you are trying to go but its too overtop.
For example The General looks her way for a few long hard seconds. Sighing, he shakes his head and walks back to the jeep. “Clean this place up,” he says. “And return ALL of my Nerf guns! I counted before I doled them out; I better have 107 rifles and 46 pistols BACK IN THE ARMORY!” he yells.
Doesnt work because Nerf Fire Darts, and the tone doesnt fit so perhaps something like
The General looks her way for a few long hard seconds. Sighing, he shakes his head and walks back to the jeep. “Clean this place up,” he says. “And return ALL of my Paintball guns! I counted before I doled them out; I better have 107 rifles and 46 pistols BACK IN THE ARMORY!” he yells.
This changes it from being too corny into humorous moment that also leaves the implication of general reliving his old days rather than General being insane.
I find the joke about gun too far i think the joke might better work as Hiding the last gun on President while General spents several minutes looking into every corner.
Or For example this
“Silver, bravo dude, but let’s not get carried away. Don’t scare our president to death!”
Nope leaves it too corny.
“Silver, bravo dude, but let’s not get carried away. Don’t scare our president to death!”
i would rather suggest something like
Excelent Performance Silver, You are clearly enjoying the role, But do tone it down somewhat or i will have HR pushing for psychotest because your Acting is too real.
As game stands currently it doesnt feel like Humor but outright parody. I Think you need to tone it down. Perhaps try to write both humorous version and serious version and then combine them to get the grounding ?
Also. In regards to russian names You are using the Middle name that is the patronym which is the name of Father and addition of Vich in case of men or Ovna in case of women. and generally they use the First and Last name not Patronym in official context.
So You now have President being very friendly with Russian ambasador whose fathers name was ISO. the joke doesnt work there.
In general i feel like the problem isnt the humorous scenes but the way you write them, you are essentially writing 40 something general as 20 Year old pop culture kid, rather than just writing the scenes and speaking with Narrator voice, try speaking with Character voice of that particular voice. If i can exagerate a bit Try to write the scene as if it were happening to bunch of Old farts rather than 20s something.
Thats Poland dealt with, I see what i can see about France Tomorrow.
What you said is very true, the “president” hasn’t told the truth on many topics even since before the election, so I take every damn thing he says with a handful of salt.
means so much to me.