The Noir Curse (WIP) (Some feedback?)

young-adult-fiction
gender-choice
high-fantasy

#161
More sa-chan

Sasha’s philosophical quotes.

“if they punch you, punch them back. Stronger.”(thats what my parents used to tell me when i was a kid, theyll deny it though.)
“respect me and i will respect you”
“Anyone determined enouth to put up with me might as well be worth befriending. Or just wants something.”
“Life is a pain”


Sasha is a naturally cold and detached person his first thought when someone approaches him is " what do you want?"
He is pretty good at faking smiles and niceness in social situation though.

Normally he has a default disdainful gaze( its just the way he looks, i swear :eyes: ) , an annoyingly nonchalant personality and he rarely talk.
When he does open his mouth its usually to say “what a pain”(<- his motto) , maybe some bitting remark about a situation or person
or just to sigh. He sigh a lot.


He is cunning and wise, but he doesnt like to mingle with people like him. He prefer to surrond himself with sociable and talkative people, which is not that bad since he is a good listener. However he still does not too many people around him, not a people person.

Brain power


He likes chocolate
and booze
and animals



“…” ಠ_ಠ
He reaches into his pocket and pulling something out, throws it at her hands. His chocolate pack.
Staring her down he waits, for her to take some and then return the rest. Like she should already somehow know that.


He looks at the book with a bored looking expression that means he may be impressed
" Pretty cool " He says his voice unemotional and his face telling otherwise like usual.
" Can i help with the punching? "

Sasha’s appearance

He has an oval face with shoulder lenth wavy black hair , tied in a messy bun and brown eyes.
is pale ( a lot cuz no sun) and athletic (cuz its good to the brain).

your turn.

Do they have christmas ? me not like christmas. Me ask Cas to get rid of it.

:fox_face:


#162

I’m enjoying it, so far!

Continuity things:

Summary

At dinner, it said I didn’t know “the other 5”, but it only mentioned me and 3 others, so I think it should be “the other 6”.

Ava settles a hand over your shoulder
I don’t know Ava, yet.

Sometimes Cassian is ‘they’ and sometimes 'him. Is Cassian male or NB?


#163

Excuse me WHAT

Oh boy. I made a moodboard for her, even found her a face claim, boy am I prepared. :eyes: :eyes: :eyes:

She has mid-back length dark hair, brown eyes and fair skin. I’m not gonna go in full detail because that’d be way too long. I even decided on her height, weight, birthday, blood type, eye shape, shoe size because I am that bored.

I stayed up until 1 AM for this moodboard oof

I’m also on my way to check out chapter 2 for more typos.

And that’s what I did.

noticed

Question mark at the end.

What do you think the Gods will be like?

I’m unsure about this one. I’ve never seen the word “lot” used in this kind of context before.

Across

You forgot a period.

energy


#164

FINALLY I finished chapter 4. I’m REALLY curious about the choices you guys will make to let me know :eyes:

I sort of still need to proofread it so I’ll get to that soon enough but I’ll first finish correcting grammar errors from the previous chapters you guys pointed out.

SADLY, Destan still doesn’t appear in this chapter, but he will in the next one for sure xD sorry

Also, does the lenght feel okay, I actually got a lot more of characters in this one than the precious one but that may be because of the variety of choices.

Hmm, I guess that’s it :joy: Hope you enjoy!


#165

its not christmas exactly, but they do have a sort of Winter Solstice celebration, it varies from region to region though.

At dinner you sit with Ava, Ivory, Razyel, and Marsci is also there. There’s 10 paticipants in total, so you already know four plus yourself, so you still haven’t met the other five contestants (though i wont really give them much importance :eyes: ) Idk if that cleared your doubt or made it worst sorry :pensive: :joy:

At dinner, there were brief introductions but it is only mentioned not interacted really.

I have to fix that up. Originally Cassian was a male so i may have overseen some of their pronouns.

I’ll fix those up soon enough :raised_hands: thank you


#166

When I get to the end of chapter three it says there’s a 404 error.

This one is fine. It just means a group of people.

I’m actually curious about this, because the winter solstice is on the shortest day of the year… but if it’s always night, there’s no day at all. :thinking:


#167

T-T I think I fixed it now. Let me know if not

It was a ceremony implemented before the curse, so they sort of kept doing it if only in hopes that the sun would eventually return lol xD But anyways, now with the curse, almost nobody comes out and they’ve lost interest in thing like holidays (depends on the region ofc)


#168

Chapter 4 loads, but now the save system doesn’t work.

It says this:


#169

:woman_facepalming: fixed


#170

All right, I just read through it. I really liked being able to use the magical map we created in the previous chapter, as well as the choice of sparing or killing the werewolf and the mermaid.

As I’ve said before, my MC Zennith the magician didn’t really want to be chosen for this quest, but now that she’s being confronted she’s rather brutal with her magic – and since she didn’t want to have to fight the werewolf or the mermaid again in case they escaped, she killed them both (although I quickly went through it again, and I really like how the werewolf warns us that we probably don’t want to go onward).

Looking forward to finally seeing Destan in the next chapter! :laughing:


#171

Played through the new chapter, and boy this keeps getting better! A werewolf, a mermaid and now it seems like we’ve found where Destan is being held.

By the time I got to the mermaid, I was convinced that it was the first trial set up by the Night Gods, was it? Or did we just get daringly lucky?

I don’t think I’ve said this before, but the way you write is really descriptive and it makes it easy to visualize exactly what’s going on, especially locations. That’s a big plus point since I tend to get a little annoyed at overly vague descriptions in attempts to incorporate a sense of mystery.

One suggestion I have is when we meet Vasile in the halls, I’d love a little more interaction with him. First off, his cat scratched me, and I could be at least a little worried about infections (though she was actually helping, but I didn’t know that). Also, when Vasile says “I recommend you ask your servant to accompany you next time?” despite me actually taking the maid with us and her disappearing on me midway, a response along the lines of “I did, it’s not my fault you guys have your screws lose” would be great, lol.

I did spot a few typos, but didn’t bother listing them since you said you were gonna proofread it anyways. Do let me know if pointing them out would still help!

Looking forward to meeting Destan!


#172

:joy::joy::joy: we’ll see, we’ll see

ahh thank you! sometimes I wonder if I’m writing too much for an interactive novel, so I try sneaking in as many choices as possible, but I like it that the reader can visualize what I’m picturing this scene to be. Glad you like it (though i personally suck at writing fights and scenes with action :tired_face: i always get writer’s block and take longer than i should)

As for the interaction with Vasile, I was going to add more but I wanted to keep a sort of mystery aura around him, believe it or not he’ll be important in the storyline along with Luna (the cat). All will be explained eventually :joy:

Oh as for the part where he mentions the maid, I sort of used the same bit for every choice. It was kind of getting stuffy in the code since i kept pasting stuff but I’ll try to add a sentence along those lines

Its always great to have them point out so, if you want, you can always post them. :grin:


#173
I YEETED MYSELF INTO THIS CHAPTER AT 7AM THIS MORNING. Now I’m back at 5 PM and found some issues.

It’s

Wander

And a question: Isn’t it night 24/7? How can the people tell what time it is? Does morning & afternoon still exist?

It’s

My what? My arm? You’re missing a word.

Take away the from the sentence.

This sentence doesn’t make sense.

Did you mean You decide it’s for the best to lead your way with an orb of light or am I just taking a wild guess?

You can’t see how far off you had gone down

Were

I think the however should be put *before *the comma:

On the other side however, there was an entrance.

You’re missing a word again.

didn’t

Or maybe worked?

Idk man there’s just a lot of past tense and present tense jumbled up

It’s

There should be a you before the word squint

Question mark at the end.

Sentence sounds weird.

Maybe try You extend towards her and concentrate on stimulating the magic in the wound?


#174

thank you! I’ll get to those when I can :raised_hands:


#175

You’re doing great so far, I can’t wait for more!
This is one of my favorite WIPs and I check almost every day for an update! I hope you have a nice day and be sure not to push yourself! c:


#176

@PenguinArms Thank you so much! Its good to hear some people enjoy this WIP :smiley:

General update:
-Currently working on fixing errors and grammar
-Will work on the next chapter soon enough
Keep tuned!


#177

I’m so sorry for the late reply, but I just wanted to say you’re so sweet! Honestly though, seeing this really made my day! :heavy_heart_exclamation: Can’t wait for the new update! I hope all goes well and you have a lovely day~