Thanks for the quick reply.
I’ll try to be as honest and respectful as everyone should be, and take my criticism as a constructive one, not something that should turn you off writing. You know, if there is a suggestion I would make regarding your demo, it would be to be careful about grammar. I mean, having a good writing is half the job of capturing people’s interest, and so far I have encountered not so few things that might explain why people haven’t shown much interest in your WIP. From this chunk of text alone:
«My grandfather had great plans for thin [this?] nation,the [the lack of space after the commas is a constant] utopian ideal. Now it has been reduced to a pile of rubbish. i stand [you constantly ignore the periods and the necessary use of uppercase afterwards] there looking out to the thriving city [instead of telling the reader it’s a thriving city, you should show it. Talk about the people, the cars, the buildings, the trade, I don’t know, whatever makes it a thriving city] of new berlin [it should be New Berlin], it has been a utopia [instead of saying it has been an utopia, you should say in which way, what is so good about it?] since the formation of the commonwealth. but as you go father [farther?] out, it becomes chaos [chaotic would be better]. The Nationalist [plural, since you aren’t mentioning a party but a group of people who share a certain ideology] want to tear down every thing my grandfater belived [grandfather believed] in, and the radicals will create a nation ruled by fear to repress that. both must be stopped That was when my assiataint [assistant? I mean, you shouldn’t tell this kind of stuff, you should put the PC living through the day and living through the assassination attempt] Marcus came in pulling out his gun. “you will die Reichsman Gray” He yells before the New Berlin police rushed in [don’t tell the police rushed in, show them breaking the door and running towards him, stopping him before he can shoot]. as he kneeled to the ground he yelled “Hail the Soviets”»
So, my advice would be: be careful about the way you write, and make sure to double check it, triple check it, and even more before posting a demo or updating it. We are in this because we all like reading and role-playing, but if one takes us off the other, people start to lose interest. All the time I was reading your demo I was acutely aware that I was reading a piece of text, not living a story, not living what the PC lives, just hearing about what he has done in his life and reading words. I am not trying to turn you off your project, quite the contrary. It’s an interesting project and if you take the time to improve your writing, understand what works for the readers (the good old show don’t tell rule, for example) and be careful to revise your writing a great deal of times, you have will end up with an interesting project, and some followers that will fall in love with your world and thus motivate you to keep writing.
You know, writing isn’t really a gift for 99.9% of the writers, it’s just the product and consequence of very hard work. There wasn’t (probably) a single first draft in history that was near perfect or even that good. When we see a good piece of text and think to ourselves “damn, I would like to be able to write like that”, we should really be thinking “damn, I would like have the willpower to invest such a huge amount of time in improving my writing and my book”. That’s especially true for someone like me, given that English isn’t my first language, and my language operates differently (literary and sense wise) from it, but it is a tendentially truthful statement for everyone.
If you correct some of the problems I told you about, especially the grammatical and immersion ones, you will end up with a pretty promising WIP. There is a big interest in political WIPs in this community, and there are many around (btw, you should check out “United We Fall” as an example of good immersive writing, solid world-building, and great political role-playing choices).
Good luck with your project, I’ll keep an eye on it, it’s a promising one.
P.S. The great amount of edits my post has should be proof enough that I should definitely learn from my own advice and start revising stuff before posting