The New Order Updated Sept. 14 (Progress report #2 on Post 63)

gender-choice
political-fiction

#1

Hello, this is my first choicescript game and I am terrible at noticing grammar mistakes so please tell me about the typo and other mistakes

it is titled The new order and it about you leading a nation through the post apocolapse

lore

1937 The German civil war began between the monarchist from WW1 and The Nazis
Hitler is assassinated and the monarchists win
1938 socialism rise in France, German empire announces their intention to eradicate fascism
Italian Fascist flee to France.
1939 the French civil war begins socialist win.
1940 France and soviets create military alliance and prepare for war
Mussolini is assassinated
1941 France and soviets declare war on Germany in favor of Germany
1942 tides turn and Germany begins to lose
1943 doomsday reactor built French spy infiltrate berlin and fire upon doomsday, triggering a detonation
1950 7 year period between unknown new order forms
1951 new order expands
random stuff in between
1973 game begins

You are the second in command of either the New Order or The New People’s Commonwealth. In 1941 Humanity destroyed Civilization. now it is 1973 and we have begun anew. civilization has return to an era resembling the mid 1930s. lead your nation through the changing geopolitical landscape as well as crisis and crisis caused by the changing political landscape of your newborn nation. as you shape you nation in your own image, twisted or not. I leave you with one question
Will your nation be ruled by Tyranny or by Hope

Demo-The New Order Demo

Chapter Status

There will be 3 status

WIP - This is what chapters will be before there released. it ranges from I just began to work on it to it got some work done but its not acceptable to released to its acceptable to released but not preferred. that last bit is what you will see if the chapter is still WIP but you’re able to see it.

Basic - This is what you should normally see mainly because of the bill system. it is where not every thing is fully implemented but is at an acceptable level that makes it ready to released to the public. what will probably a chapter a basic chapter is that all of the choice for the bill aren’t implemented yet.

Complete - This is what a chapter should be when I move on to the next chapter. it has all the choice implemented and is fully done and finished. work on it may happen but it should only be behind the scenes work, Variables and etc…

Changelog
0.60 Legislation

Current Update

Adds a Bill System, Currently Not Fully Finished as not all choices are there, Mainly Milterization

0.30 ReichsHall

Previous Update

chapter 1 is finished and chapter 2 is coming up soon.

0.12 Diplo

Pre-Alpha 0.12 Diplo
Second Update

This roman confederacy is a strange thing what shall we do

  • diplomacy

  • make them summit to your will

0.1 Travel

Pre-Alpha 0.1 Travel
First update

sorry for the wait. had to leave the project for a few days
chapter 1 is up. it is nowhere near complete, so bear with me.
stats have changed
now have ideals about nations like America UK etc.

what would you like to see

Hearts of Iron 4

working on a mod for a game called Hearts of Iron 4, If you want to check it out go to r/SurgeHistoria

Current Work:
I am currently working on the Vote for The bill created in chapter 2 as well as working on finishing chapter 2


United We Stand - Political WIP
Atheina: A Story of the Gods (WIP) [Updated 23 July 2018]
Rise of Games Wip (Updated Sept. 17) (Major Announcement)
The Oval Office : New Update! (Half of Chapter 3) July 31st, 2018
Rise of Games Wip (Updated Sept. 17) (Major Announcement)
Could Someone help me With this error (Skips Chapter 1)
#2

Ok, I guess I will be the first, what issues are you planning to adress during the game? Like, moral and political issues.

What would we get to do during the game (the PC)?

Thanks for your time and good luck with the project.


#3

Two things, One thank you for replying. and two it would be like slavery as this is the post apocalypse and what to do with The roman Confederacy an their citizens and party’s and slaves
then there is what to do with the your own nation do you want to go Socialist, communist Nationalist or Fascist even. these issues will be guns disapproval of the government. Will your Nation be Ruled by Tyranny or Hope. you will also deal with foreign polices like Fallen France.

what will be able to do is simple kind of you will shape the nation in your image

also sorry the demo is so short, I wanted to get to a point where it could be shown to other people but as early as possible. so tell me if you liked it and if you have any criticism. and tell me what you like to see


#4

Thanks for the quick reply.

I’ll try to be as honest and respectful as everyone should be, and take my criticism as a constructive one, not something that should turn you off writing. You know, if there is a suggestion I would make regarding your demo, it would be to be careful about grammar. I mean, having a good writing is half the job of capturing people’s interest, and so far I have encountered not so few things that might explain why people haven’t shown much interest in your WIP. From this chunk of text alone:

«My grandfather had great plans for thin [this?] nation,the [the lack of space after the commas is a constant] utopian ideal. Now it has been reduced to a pile of rubbish. i stand [you constantly ignore the periods and the necessary use of uppercase afterwards] there looking out to the thriving city [instead of telling the reader it’s a thriving city, you should show it. Talk about the people, the cars, the buildings, the trade, I don’t know, whatever makes it a thriving city] of new berlin [it should be New Berlin], it has been a utopia [instead of saying it has been an utopia, you should say in which way, what is so good about it?] since the formation of the commonwealth. but as you go father [farther?] out, it becomes chaos [chaotic would be better]. The Nationalist [plural, since you aren’t mentioning a party but a group of people who share a certain ideology] want to tear down every thing my grandfater belived [grandfather believed] in, and the radicals will create a nation ruled by fear to repress that. both must be stopped That was when my assiataint [assistant? I mean, you shouldn’t tell this kind of stuff, you should put the PC living through the day and living through the assassination attempt] Marcus came in pulling out his gun. “you will die Reichsman Gray” He yells before the New Berlin police rushed in [don’t tell the police rushed in, show them breaking the door and running towards him, stopping him before he can shoot]. as he kneeled to the ground he yelled “Hail the Soviets”»

So, my advice would be: be careful about the way you write, and make sure to double check it, triple check it, and even more before posting a demo or updating it. We are in this because we all like reading and role-playing, but if one takes us off the other, people start to lose interest. All the time I was reading your demo I was acutely aware that I was reading a piece of text, not living a story, not living what the PC lives, just hearing about what he has done in his life and reading words. I am not trying to turn you off your project, quite the contrary. It’s an interesting project and if you take the time to improve your writing, understand what works for the readers (the good old show don’t tell rule, for example) and be careful to revise your writing a great deal of times, you have will end up with an interesting project, and some followers that will fall in love with your world and thus motivate you to keep writing.

You know, writing isn’t really a gift for 99.9% of the writers, it’s just the product and consequence of very hard work. There wasn’t (probably) a single first draft in history that was near perfect or even that good. When we see a good piece of text and think to ourselves “damn, I would like to be able to write like that”, we should really be thinking “damn, I would like have the willpower to invest such a huge amount of time in improving my writing and my book”. That’s especially true for someone like me, given that English isn’t my first language, and my language operates differently (literary and sense wise) from it, but it is a tendentially truthful statement for everyone.

If you correct some of the problems I told you about, especially the grammatical and immersion ones, you will end up with a pretty promising WIP. There is a big interest in political WIPs in this community, and there are many around (btw, you should check out “United We Fall” as an example of good immersive writing, solid world-building, and great political role-playing choices).

Good luck with your project, I’ll keep an eye on it, it’s a promising one.

P.S. The great amount of edits my post has should be proof enough that I should definitely learn from my own advice and start revising stuff before posting :laughing:


#5

Thank you for telling me this, I do try to find these mistakes like the Thin nation, I had thought I had fixed that. and like you said I should double check. also do you mean United we Stand because you wrote United we fall. also what would you like to see. and if you don’t know as I did not explain yet a reichsman would be a senator in America.


#6

No problem, I like to help, I just don’t have the time to do it more often.

I did mean United We Stand, I mixed up the name of the WIP with his previous game Divided We Fall.

Ahh, well, that explains it. As I said, maybe you should think about introducing the player to the setting more naturally, like through a walk to work through the city or something that would allow you to show and tell (don’t take the show don’t tell rule to its extreme, some telling is always healthy and necessary) the basics of the setting (don’t overdo it).

That is quite normal. I mean, if I have learned something through the years that might help you deal with that is this: give it some time. Write it, revise it and then wait 2 weeks (just an example, but no less than one week) before revising it again. It will do you wonders, much more productive. After working on the same piece of text for too long, our brains stops seeing it objectively and we will always miss stuff that would be noticed if we had give it some time and built some distance. It applies to anything you right, from a college paper, to a work report or to a novel. :smiley:


#7

Hello what would you like to see as post apocoliptic Nations

  • Fascist Britian.
  • Scotland Ireland England Wales
  • socialist france
  • democratic france
  • russia dictatorship
  • russia monarchy

0 voters


#8

Fascist Britain sounds funny as hell


#9

It sure Does. Now would they hail Oswald mosley as god or Edward VIII.


#10

I’m closing the first poll on Monday and chapter 1 is up, not finished at all. all that there is a working first choice.

The Ceaser update is nearly out. check back in one or two hours


#11

Hi, just played through your WIP! I looked for errors as you asked, I hope this doesn’t come off as offensive!

What will you do the [to?] the new nations of this world, [? (instead of a comma) Stab] stab them in the back and watch them crummble [crumble] or [instead of or, I think you should put a comma, because you state three types of actions to be taken] sesied [seize] the land for your self or will you united [unite] the planet under an [a] Global alliance [?]

after [After] the detonation of doomsday. [, (instead of a period)] a bomb that caused the end of the world and created a crater that consumed berlin germany [Berlin, Germany]. now [Now] you live in the capital of the new order, New Berlin, a ring city that has tunnels leading to Kaiser manor. [,] the palace of the king of the new order. [But] but

As for the stats page:

This is your veiw [view] on the Old Age nations of earth
America:
Embracment [Embracement] of customs: 50%
Condemment [Condemnation] of customs: 50%

The mistakes I noticed seem more like capitalization and stops and pauses/period and comma errors than anything else. I don’t think I have nearly enough experience writing to constructively criticize your storytelling, but from what I’ve seen so far, it’s understandable. Once you get to update the demo, I do think writing with more descriptions of your world will help engage the reader more :slight_smile:

I’m an aspiring writer as well, so I really hope this motivates you rather than discourages you! Cheering you on!!


#12

@LauraSikdar thank you it does not discourage me at all nor offend me you don’t have to worry about that anything that would I don’t give a crap. and it fine about the criticize my work as in spelling mistakes, not like this is a piece of crap.
as you can see the first 6 comments on this thread are mistakes like that. I just bad at noticing these things.


#13

What path do you like the most.

  • Socialist nation, Communist MC
  • Socialist nation, Socialist MC
  • Socialist nation, Nationalist MC
  • Nationalist nation, military MC
  • Nationalist nation, nationalist MC
  • Nationalist nation, Socialist MC

0 voters


#14

Once again thank you for helping me. but which path was that in


#15

Sorry! For my choices, I believe they were: nationalist kingdom > maintain status quo


#16

Hey The Diplo update is out so play


#17

What would you like to see in the diplomacy section


#18

Hello The ReichsHall update is out, there may be bugs so please tell me
The nationalist path is broken, so please help me with that it go through the first chapter fine but once you hit next chapter it breaks and says there nothing there would you play again so help

Edit: I’m editing this post nearly a month after I posted it, but the nationalist section of this post is outdated and obeslite


#19

I’ll be posting all the errors i could find

  1. Error: prolouge line 53: Expected option starting with #
  • ( Repeated in line 54 ) Solve by indenting the line 53 and 54 by one indent
  1. Error: Chapter1 line 5: increasing indent not allowed, expected 1 was 2
  • ( Repeated in line 6 ) Solve by De-indenting line 5 and 6 by one indent
  1. Error: Chapter1 line 12: increasing indent not allowed, expected 3 was 4
  • (Repeated till line 56) Solve by De-indenting by one indent from line 12 to line 56
  1. Error: Chapter1 line 57: increasing indent not allowed, expected 3 was 5
  • Solve by De-indenting line 57 by two indent
  1. Error: Chapter1 line 70: increasing indent not allowed, expected 3 was 4
  • (Repeated till line 96) Solve by De-Indenting from line 70 to 96 by one indent
  1. Error: Chapter1 line 114: increasing indent not allowed, expected 4 was 5
  • Solve by De-indenting line 114 by one indent

This should make the game better :yum:


#20

Thanks you, This is very helpful, second thing aren’t you on the oval office thread how’s that going