TNN has been moved back to the regular WIP category.
Out of curiosity does this affect your plans or will everything stay the same?
Everything will still be the same. There was just a but of confusion because I put “erotica” (much more intense, and not really an accurate description of what kind of scenes there will be) in the warning list instead of “sexual content.”
Btw, everyone, things are coming along at a steady pace. So far I have 10/20k for Chapter 1. Here are a couple of quotes from one of the ROs, the foul and big-mouthed Tanno.
- “It’s those fucking onions. They’d make a troll blubber like an impotent teenager! But since you’d like to know, this job is a huge pain in my ass. How would you like to start your morning by catching a big fat rat snuggled up to a sack of half-eaten potatoes?”
- “Piece of fuck,” Tanno mutters under his breath. “Why don’t you go shit yourself.”
I’ve added a small prologue to the demo. Let me know if you find any typos, and I would love to know your thoughts on the characters and narrative so far!
nice update, I cant wait to see where you go with this story.
So far, I really like the narration and writing for this story. The demo is a bit too short but it’s enough to keep me intrigued for future updates/the full game. There’s just this one minor line that got me rolling my eyes though… and it’s on the first page.
"The sound of his jeering voice echoes that sentiment. “You’d better hide, orphan! You’ve got no parents to save you.” "
It’s the very first line the bully says, I just found it… really lazy? From a writing/storytelling stand point, that dialogue was a really cheap way for you to drop some exposition. It’s like you’re coming up to the player with a microphone going, “Hey there [ORPHAN]. You’re looking very [ORPHAN] today. Ha ha ha. Get it? You’re an [ORPHAN] because you have no parents, [ORPHAN].” Gee… thank you generic bully NPC for emphasizing that I’m an orphan. I didn’t pick it up the first time you said orphan.
Anyways, joking aside, I’m just trying to say you can be a little more subtle instead of doing a quick slap on the player with a backstory. Personally, I don’t think the bully should even be saying that line… he should instead just give a simple insult and then you can bring up the tragic orphan backstory when you introduce the brother with narration like: “You could always rely on your brother to save you. After all, it’s not like your parents are around to do that job.” Or something like that. For a well written story so far, it’s just abnormal to see a cheap, cheesy line like that… especially on the first page. But that’s just my critic as one writer to another.
I see what you mean. On one hand, the bully is eight years old, and therefore not short on cheesy lines, but I wouldn’t mind putting something else instead.
Well, it’s true that the bully is eight but that line doesn’t feel like an eight year old but an adult pretending to be an eight year old. Especially a child chasing after another. I can imagine you can still keep the: “You’d better hide, orphan! You’ve got no parents to save you.” line but not the entire part. Either keep the “You’d better hide, orphan!” or “You’ve got no parents to save you.” One of them got to go for it to work and not sound like a case of a “double sentence reworded”. Chose one line then you can elaborate/focus more on it. You don’t need both to make a point and still have the kid say a cheesy line. For example, “You’ve got no parents to save you.” to “Ha ha, running to your mom and dad? How can they save you when they’re dead?” or “Keep running! By the time I’m done with you, you’ll wake up dead like your parents.” or something like that. Idk, both a little more eloquent but still have that cheesy factor.
Thanks for the advice! I’ll tweak that dialogue tonight.
Also, wow, this thread is already over 100 likes.
oooof. Chapter 1 is turning out to be gigantic. I’ve written 20k for it so far and I’m still maybe like 10k or more from being done with it. But I’m really excited for it and I’ve been having a nice steady work flow.
What a good brother
When the finger scenes happen I had a large sadistic grin on my face the whole time, I personally would have enjoyed even more brutality but I suppose we will save that for the adults.
It’s funny you mention that, because I initially planned on having Yosif snap Rob’s arm in the wrong direction by stomping down on it, but then he’d really get arrested and hung, threats or no threats.
Ah, unfortunately so.
I guess we must deal with such minor brutality for now, that is until I tie that boy up in my dungeon once the necromancy starts.
He will be the farm from whence I get my skeletons and horrid flesh monstrosities
Since I’ll be posting Chapter 1 in the next few days, I’ve pre-emptively added some polls to the original post.
Is chappy 1 a big un? Hope so since if your introducing all those characters that were in the poll in a small chapter it’s gonna be quite hard to remember more then two.
Yes, Chapter 1 will be quite big. I’m a couple of days away from finishing it, and so far it’s shaping up to be about 27k. 7/9 of the main characters will be introduced in this chapter, though they’re spread out and all a lot different from one another. I also plan on putting character bios in the stats screen.
It’s so annoying when character bios aren’t in COGs especially when there are a shit ton of characters introduced in a short time period.
So thank you for adding them that willl be a blessing.
Glad you like them! I realize that it can feel a bit too meta, but I also think it’s something that any author with an ensemble cast should consider.
I enjoyed it, Can’t wait for the next update.
Thanks! I’m actually only about 2k away from finishing Chapter One, but I’ve been stuck on it. So I’ve moved on to Chapter Two for now.
Will we be able to summon a permanent companion?
It didn’t need to be a super talkative demon or anything strenuous like that.
Hell I’d probably prefer a mute skeleton that just always claps to please me but it claps at fucking everything since it’s not smart enough to know when it should clap. Or if we are unable to have a permanent companion will our temporary summons have any personality?
Or will they be a mindless horde?
Just curious to see what you’ll do here.