The Nameless [WIP] (Minor Update 9/15 - Restructure the sequel)

@Arkeyr79 Okay, that should be different text after the Set Custom RO now!

@Cyphr Thank you so much, that’s such a relief to hear! :smile: Excited to share more C:
And happy joining anniversary :grin:

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Probably not the first to mention this, but-

I see what you did with the whole ‘Nameless’ thing. :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

I like it! Gives the name a bit of charm right off the bat and OH so very clever.

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:eyes:

Hahaha it will come into play I swear, I cycled through a couple different titles involving “Names”. But once a friend suggested The Nameless I couldn’t resist :joy:

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Doing the unseelie think it was called and was curious about the hallucination and apparition thing. Does that mean unseelie can have people go on ecstasy trips and call upon ghosts?

Really love the lore and world building in this game!!

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Wow you’re fast! In three days you’ve managed to restructure your demo and change all these features? I’m amazed.

Anyways, I first wanted to say thanks for the clarification and responses earlier! It’s really nice to see an author who’s receptive to their thread. In my earlier post I didn’t want to give too many drastic suggestions in case they conflicted with your creative vision…I’ve put a few more thoughts this time but do feel free to selectively ignore things haha.

Since I’ve got a bit of time, I ran through the demo and wrote down the big things I noticed.

Stats

I just now realized you asked a question I did not answer, but yes! I think it would be helpful to move the might/magic stats to the primary stats page! They seem like important stats (to me), and even if you feel that may be too many stats for one page, I can assure you, it is not. There are games with many, many more stats in their stats screen, and what really matters is just spacing and/or labels to keep it organized.

RO gender choice

I do agree with CorvusWitchcraft that giving the ROs gender options would be better, and I’m glad to see you implemented that!

I’m a bit confused on how it works though…on the orientation page, if we choose [Custom RO Genders], what does that set our orientation as? Bi? What if the MC’s orientation isn’t bi but they still want to choose the RO’s genders?

Alternatively, the orientation choice could be separate, and the MC chooses the genders when they meet the ROs (after a short description/interaction with them). I know this gets a little nitpicky, but a personal difficulty I have is with choosing an NPC’s gender before I even meet them or know anything about them. Besides knowing their titles, the [Custom RO gender] option does just feel the same as a “Randomize the RO’s genders” option.

Race Introduction

This little sequence flowed a bit oddly… I think it was because of the portion highlighted in the image.
Maybe it’s because I remember where that snippet used to be before the restructuring, but it definitely seems like it was just…inserted for the sake of adding information.

I don’t mean to butcher your writing, and this is obviously not perfect, but I think it might work better somewhere in the last paragraph: “The energy had flown around you naturally, and as a young unseelie, you ensured the wards around the Sanctum were fortified. They had beamed with pride the first time you made the outer Sanctum paths disappear in a shimmer of illusion magic.” Or something like that?

Time Transitions

They’re still a little bit shaky, I think. Despite breaking off the flashbacks between chapters, the amount of hopping back and forth is the same. It can get a little confusing having to reorient myself after every flashback, i.e. “okay, I’m back in the grove now, after the assignment,” or “oh right, I was walking to the Lucky Albatross.” Maybe this is only a small problem I’m having though, and not actually notable for other readers.

I do really like @ItsAidrian 's suggestion of jumping right to the mission assignment after the crossbow scene, as it would allow more of a chronological flow.

The intrigue and the magical vibe is still there as hook, in our meeting with Sirin, and the MC would get a clearer goal early on; something’s wrong, we’re given a mission, context is given for the setting change (Sanctum–>Renescen). @CorvusWitchcraft also briefly mentioned a slight disconnect between the MC and their supposed culture; starting with the Sanctum/sheevra vs. Renescen/mortalis could potentially help to better ground the MC as a sheevra.

I’m aware this causes a bit of reworking for you though, and maybe is not worth it, given that you’re probably trying to push through the story instead of getting caught up on editing.

Besides that slew of feedback, I enjoyed getting to read more and discovering the little changes from different choices, and the extra bit of the second chapter was a treat! I also appreciate that you took the time to add extra details about the Magesmith, from their headband to their forge. And the attention to detail, like the lady and her awning in the awkward silence, is amazing, as always. Hope everything is still going swimmingly!

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I really liked the re structure and the new update.

WoW…

@Yalung The unseelie are skilled with illusion magic, so it’s just about creating a false image on themselves or on their surroundings! So mostly just being tricksy :smile:

@Chiirps Thank you so much! :smile:

@Aerin Thank you for all the comments again! And no yeah loving the feedback haha, it’s really helping me since this is my first go at a choicescript game and I want to make sure it makes the most sense for the reader!

ROs

Yeah that was definitely a bandaid update I think haha. I’m doing a different approach to it now with either setting everything at the beginning for people playing again, or else setting them as you meet the ROs. I think my only worry was all the different setup questions throughout the prologue/chap 1. But I think that’s something unavoidable at the beginning :laughing:

Race

ooh yes that might’ve have been an artifact of moving things around. Thanks for the idea to move it lower to make more sense!

Time

Yeah I had a feeling as I was restructuring and reading it again that I’d eventually move things around further haha. The current structure was just easier for now to keep the MC gender/name choices, but I’m going to go back and incorporate it into the flashback and take your and @ItsAidrian 's advice!

Thank you again!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

@Fardil_Husain Great to hear, thank you!

@Empress_Nightmare :smile: hope you enjoyed!

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@parkerlyn I basically love any type of art ,including writing and I approach art with WAY too much high expectations and it’s so much better…

Minor Update - 9/15: Restructure the sequel

insert I am once again asking for your patience with a restructure meme

Hello! I am! A perfectionist clown! :clown_face:

Okay, small update, I think I’m finally happy with how the Prologue and Chapter 1 flow with jumping straight to Clan Faille’Tor, but would love feedback if you read the old versions! There will be a longer lull now until the next content update.

Other changes:

  • RO genders are now set either at the very beginning, or individually as you meet them
  • Added “they/them” as an option for Oisein’s pronouns. Been wanting to do this and couldn’t quite get a good handle on coding it, but finally sat down and did it. If you see any weird verbs please let me know!
  • MC pronoun and name selections are now coded into Clan Faille’Tor scenes
  • A tiny extra paragraph on the Magesmith at the end

Current Demo Word Counts: 27k w/o code | 31 with | 17k avg playthrough

Now to actually dig more into Chapter 2 writing :grin:

Edit: Someone pointed out that I was A Fool and didn’t uncomment *sm_init and then I accidently uploaded the wrong files and flailed around a bit but it should be good now, sorry if I caught anyone in those reuploads! :disappointed_relieved:

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Oooh, fascinating angle… :thinking:

Play as a fey? Yay! Sorry, couldn’t resist! :grimacing:

Easy to read, methinks, quite enjoyable. Good range of ‘attitude choice’. I shall follow this one, to be certain. :relaxed:

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Thank you! I’m hoping to really explore the different attitudes, especially towards mortalis! :eyes: If there’s any improvements with those so far, please let me know!

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Okie dokie, if I notice something I will of course pass it along to you. So far I have no issues with that, though. Or anything else, really. :relaxed:

Okay, now that I’ve had the chance to play the new version:

I’m excited about new pronouns for Oisein! I’ll definitely be playing with them that way now that the option is available.

I really love the new transition from the opening to the Clan scenes. Going from the “I know what you are” line to introducing the High Sheevra is totally perfect, and helps to immediately orient the player into the new world. Great work!

I like the light touch approach to introducing the different types of magic just before the choice. Doesn’t feel too heavy-handed, and definitely helps to inform the choice a little better. My only suggestion would be to include one of the paragraphs about the dryads on the choice page, so the player can look back at it while they’re choosing.

The new intro for the Sage and the Magesmith is good! I like that you get a look at both their personalities, and it makes me look forward to their full introduction coming later.

Verb error: “They make their way over to the table with a revitalized stride, and plops themself down in the chair.” I think this is supposed to say “you”: “They look at your nervously, hand trailing to the table and drumming a finger against their glass.”

At the start of Chapter 2, you might use ellipses where the sentences are being interrupted by the bold phrases, to indicate that they’re continuing. Also accidental repetition: " cradle your body in a tight Was it supposed to be like this? body in a tight embrace"

The new Magesmith intro is great! Feels like a much better way to get to talk to them for a full intro, and I look forward to seeing the rest of it.

Anyway, loving everything so far and I’m really excited for the rest of the chapter! I really just want more Oisein, hahahaha. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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I’ve only just started reading this but I’m already so invested! The story, the plot, the characters :eyes:? chefs kiss

This is right up my alley, bc I love anything with elements of fantasy haha. So excited to read and learn more about this world and the MC and ROs :sparkling_heart:

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@ItsAidrian

Yay awesome! oh that’s a relief to hear haha. :smile: I definitely did a bit of flailing for a few days with the restructures so I’m glad it worked out! OH that’s a great point about the dryads, yeah I’ll move that to the selection page.

Flip, yeah haha still getting used to coding the verbs and thanks for the you catch! Ah okay! Yeah I think I was trying to be too weird/dramatic in that dream sequence haha, so the repeat is intentional, but if it reads weird I’ll mess around with it a big more!

Thanks so much again for all the comments and help I really appreciate it!! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: and I can’t wait keep writing them and the others! eyes the flirt options in Ch 2 :eyes:

@Astericae Ahhhh thank you so much for the wonderful comments!!! :heart_eyes: Especially since Nevermoore is also just a full chefs kiss :heart: (I’m so pumped to find out what happens next omg).

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Added some more RO reference art to the main post and tumblr :smile:

Casual Outfit Sketches


Oisein's sheevra form

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It’s loving Oisein hours :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Love the references!! Magesmith is so cool.

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I really enjoyed this! All the characters are interesting and the plot is too! I played this late at night and even when I was tired, I wanted to read everything from your update. Looking forward to more :grin:~

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