The Magician's Burden [230k words] [Published]

high-fantasy
young-adult-fiction
gender-choice
nonbinary-inclusive

#969

Warning some content of the following reply is considered NSFW continue reading at your own discretion.

Summary

:smiling_imp:Slides into :smirk: (Keanos and Rigels arses) uh I mean forum chat ignore the blurred out part or not I can’t tell you what to do:smiling_imp: RoadKillian is a piece of shit but there is no need to stoop down to his level. Okay thought I should throw in my opinion of the boys my Pansexualness got the better of me cause God damn they are both hot in their own ways Rigel is hot in bed and I honestly think that both of their personalities are perfectly fleshed out Rigels shyness makes him a tender but eager lover in bed whereas Keanos free spirited personality makes him wild in bed of course I maybe a bit biased because I’m a free spirited bookworm type of person myself but that is irrelevant, also I could go in-depth to why I think the boys are amazing but I don’t feel like writing a 45 page essay on why you should romance them.

Basically what I am saying is that Samuel_H_Young has pretty much thrown a wrench in my plans to just romance the ladies but that is a good thing, so I will be eagerly waiting for the next book to be released also I know I have said this before but imma say it again @Samuel_H_Young you are a God damn absolute legend, that I have no doubt about and keep up the good work :grin:


#970

So Izzy :
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#971

Nah, it never gets better and the MC will get shit on and fail for the entire 1 million word series.

All jokes aside, I told HG that I wanted the demo to end in chapter 3, right where the MC is having a boss battle with Killian. The choices there display how you can finally fight back and defeat him, and that part is the most exciting part of the story up until that point.

Unfortunately, HG put the paywall in a random, ineffective spot in Chapter 2 and I’ve heard nothing back from them about extending the demo.

Thanks, @Sovereign! :smiley:

By the way, everyone, I’ve seen my writing being called poor, lazy, and or subpar in several reviews, now. I was under the impression that it had gotten a lot better over the years, but the prose is actually taking more of a beating now than ever in the markets. What areas of my writing might seem lacking to you? How do you think I could improve this?


#972

You are not lacking in any aspect they are all just jealous of u :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: if you were then they could simply jump into the forums and give you constructive feedback


#973

When you started you was so verbose that pick up a flower needed like 3,000 words and twenty synonyms. That makes flow really sloooow and heavy and almost impossible to follow to a non native. Now you are more natural and organic, and story flows naturally. But there are people who prefer heavy metal verbose to say look how intellectual I am i know words. There is also people that by aesthetic choice prefer less direct speech and that.

I think the problem goes more for what game is Low fantasy and what not is High fantasy. Low fantasty is more ground more realistic in sense pc is not a chosen one mary sue. It suffers, has to work and people don’t treat pc like a god. That’s a contrast gor many people and causes they feel powerless and grumpy.


#974

First off, don’t be disheartened by those reviews! I enjoyed your writing, and I believe most here will say the same :slight_smile: Everything flows smoothly, and I felt it was pretty well paced too, with sufficient time to get to know the NPCs. I also liked that there were no overly flamboyant words that some writers like to use, so it was easily digestible and readable.

As for what is lacking… hmmm. I’ve read some reviews across all your books, and perhaps, what some may have an issue with is that the MC doesn’t appear to be that much of an active player in main events of the story. While there is ample opportunity for us to hone our stats, there was not as many chances to use it in instances where it truly matters.

For instance...

For the first demon we encounter, we had to have Violet’s help. Then again, for the finale, we were unable to do anything to prevent the death of Mowbow and our father, nor were we able to really hold our ground against it. As such, it may have seemed like investing in our stats did not appear to influence the outcome that much, for in the end, we still ‘fail’.

I am confused about why some say the characters are bland though…

But, hey, regardless of what some critics may say, the great ratings far outweigh the bad. :smiley: Afterall, world building, creating characters and writing in second person POV really is not that easy - so kudos for producing so many great books with lovable characters! (Yes I’m still thinking of our adorable boggarts. And Violet.)


#975

It’s worse than I thought…


#976

About the hopelessness of situation. It is a powerful part of a low fantasy setting. You aren’t a dragon born ,choosen one that is successful without even sweat. You area young pc in a small village that yeah nows a little of magic but has zero training and a lacking education. Surrounding by a harsh medieval times society with parents with big flaws. You are at beginning of a journey andis impossible that you could defeat several levels enemies without training. The series seems to be about your journey and your struggle to improve. So logically you won’t suddenly become Power ranger and develop ultimate powers in last second.

@Samuel_H_Young Maybe you have to make clear that this is not a choosen one jedi experience when character is god like from beginning


#977

The demon that leads the attack is more powerful than anyone in the village. If you want a story where the MC could have a meteoric rise in power in a week and defeat them, then this isn’t for you.


#978

Well, there are lot of enjoyable aspects of TMB that more than make up for any of its perceived flaws.

I agree! What I like about TMB is its focus on your character’s journey and development, not only as a person but also with regards to their relationship with others. This typically is not a focus of most games, which makes TMB unique and great fun to read.


#979

I like the fact that the MC isn’t Rambo, but with magic, they’re a 18 and have problems some of us can relate, not having money, family problems (i pity and hate the father), i REALLY liked the fact that some characters are stronger than you, what kind of guard woul Mabelin if she lost against the mc in the first time they fight? or what kind of demon hunter would Violet be if the mc with no experience whatsoever banished the demon? lol go home you ain’t needed anymore,thhe npcs do feel more alive, they have a life that does not revolve around the mc, i’ve played other games where thhhe mc could do exactly the same thing (if not better) than some npcs even if they just started, also keep in mind that there are still two book plenty of room for growth, the fact that we play the first book seeing mc have a “normal” life( before shit goes down) is what i liked te most, it’ss common for the backstory of the mc not be acknowledged ( you lost your parents and now this is why you want to kill he who lives in the darkness, meanwile wanna bang this character?) and here we know mcs life before, also there’s Zaleth(why do i want this loser) and Mowbow just that gives the book positive pont.


#980

I would like a MC who isn’t a failure.
The demo didn’t let a good impression on the MC and what I’m reading here doesn’t give me any hope for it getting better.

But you are right, this game might not be for my taste.


#981

Thanks, @poison_mara. When I first write TotDH, I agree that my prose was insanely florid, haha. Now, I think purple prose is practically nonexistant in my writing, and I’m glad you agree.

Yeah, I have several published stories and several WIPs, but the only power fantasy out of all of them is Mass Mother Murderer. And that’s just because that story works exceptionally well with that genre. Otherwise, I don’t see the appeal as much.

If the MC in this story could go around easily smacking the shit out of Killian, Mabelin, Kihbok, etc, it would not be the same story at all.

So, yes, I think you perfectly stated how this is a story of growth rather than a power fantasy.

Too late. :sweat_smile:

Yeah, the MC will be able to defeat Kihbok later on in the series, but most people prefer instant gratification.

My approach with this series is that it’s set up more like a novel than a game, in that the MC fails, then builds themselves up, then fails, then builds themselves up, etc, and then through all of those trials, they’re finally able to triumph, and that success would feel much more fulfilling. And, of course, there will some successes along the way like in any good story.

Thanks so much!

@flocktrops
I’m glad you agree. :slight_smile: Though I should mention there will actually be 3 sequels!


#982

(Wow im so late, rip)

Congrats on releasing your game! I bought one for myself and a buddy because damn, I wanted her to enjoy it too.

I like your prose mate, not superfluous and cuts straight through the bullshit like a light beam.
I love the more unique female characters (Not blonde, willowy, and meek aka generic fantasy girl.)
And I loved how you set up the story for the following sequels. I understand its just the first in a series so not everything will be immediately addressed.

Solid game buddy, keep at it and you can make even better games for the hosted line!
(Unlike me, no matter how much I try chess I can never win a round :sweat_smile:)


#983

I really liked the idea of a narrative in which the PC does not succeed at everything. The result is a story that feels more organic and is more than power fantasy while still being interactive and interesting.

The relationship with Violet, for example, in my playthrough (I would play more, but for my broken computer) was not simply about the player character sweeping her off her feet. The relationship had its ups and downs because the PC was not charismatic enough (and not in a good enough way with Violet) yet ultimately succeeded. Many real relationships, romantic and otherwise, work this way.

Speaking of Violet, is it possible for the PC to have sex with her without choking her and without her getting angry at the PC for not doing this? I (the player) and some of my characters are profoundly uncomfortable with the violence of choking being associated with sex.


#984

And that’s exactly why I like your story, an interactive novel is a novel with rpg way of building the character but the stories is as important as making the stats (if not more in my opinion)


#985

She is BsDM , so for her is perfectly consensual so is not violence due is her willing desire. If you’re not into that well you have to deal with the fact she is totally into that. Is a great relationship because feels real, and change in base of rapport with pc.


#986

and this gives even more reason to love this series! This makes it pretty realistic since more often than not, we rarely succeed on our first try.

it’s hard not to take such things to heart sometimes, but take comfort in knowing that your books have more fans than you may think! I mean, just look at the number of replies you have on this thread! And TBD also clinched a place as a finalist in the CoG Contest for Interactive Novels, which is pretty impressive too! In any case, most of the time, negative opinions tend to be expressed more often than positive ones. More seemingly expressing negative opinions does not, in any way. mean your writing is any less good. :slight_smile:

One more thing… ~ magicks over a virtual boggart ~

I heard you are in need of hugs? :grin:


#987

There are BDSM acts that do not involve choking. Besides, compromise is a basis for good relationships of all sorts.


#988

Yeah, but she loves that and is pushy. :wink: I think she will end up with a good relationship and very balance between pc and Violet. However she has to evolve a lot, and starting to think more in terms of we instead of me.