The Lost Bride

Ramidel · 2024-11-15T13:34:39.938Z

Looks like a promising start.

One thing I’d do is, if your betrothal is an unwanted one, explain how it came to be that Miss Murray got into the mess with Jonathan in the first place.

XaosMinion · 2024-11-15T14:56:57.873Z

Alright, I gave it a read. Hope you don’t mind if I give my thoughts on it.

First things first, I love the timeless feel of the writing. It’s like reading something victorian? It has that vibe.

Second, I like the options for how you feel about Jonathan. I am curious how this will evolve as the story progresses. Like will you be able to fall in love with Jonathan later on if you are friends?

Also he is a treasure of a man!!

Lucy is very adorable and likeable and I would give her the world if she asks!

And that cliffhanger is diabolical

Found some typos, but very minor things. Overall I love it and can’t wait for more.

LaReveuse · 2024-11-15T15:18:40.564Z

9ah2ye500×562 87.2 KB

Cyphr · 2024-11-15T16:21:41.633Z

I’m enjoying what’s here so far, but as others have voiced, it would be nice to get some more background to Mina’s relationship with Jonathan. As someone who plays a Mina who hates the idea of being with him, it would be nice to know what lead to the engagement since it would have to be a special case for Mina to chose to be with him if she hates the idea of being with him.

On another note though, I appreciate our ability to name Mina ourselves. In previous Dracula IFs that hasn’t been an option, and while I did enjoy those stories, it’s so much better to me when I can name a protagonist in a story myself. It makes the story that much more immersive.

FabulousBlasphemer · 2024-11-15T16:29:27.581Z

Glad to see this posted! While it isn’t for me, as I am not comfortable playing femMC, it is wonderfully written. I wish you all the best!

Mattricole · 2024-11-15T17:09:14.543Z

God, I can’t wait for Dracula to break me

juxu · 2024-11-15T17:41:44.972Z

love it already!! keep up the good work

Ramidel · 2024-11-15T17:56:51.629Z

Sorry, that Lucy is now canon.

FleurJane · 2024-11-15T18:31:52.025Z

Such a cruel cliffhanger. Is it bad I want to kick Dracula’s butt?

RedRoses · 2024-11-15T18:53:41.623Z

Does this have any relation to Wilhelmina?

RedRoses · 2024-11-15T19:54:04.921Z

Printesa_Carmilla:

RedRoses:

Does this have any relation to Wilhelmina?

Nah it doesn’t

That’s little surprising to hear, as structurally both demos are extremely similar. Yours is extremely well-written, but if there really is no connection between these two demos at all, I have some concern regarding the resemblances.

Both Wilhelmina and The Lost Bride begin with the MC (referred to henceforth as Mina for ease) riding in a rocking, hectic stagecoach/carriage on the way to visiting Lucy
In both stories, as Mina rides in the stagecoach/carriage, she has flashbacks to interactions with Jonathan, her fiancee that she may or may not love depending on player choice
Both stories feature a gender-swappable Van Helsing and Dracula as love interests
Lucy greets Mina with a hug in front of the estate immediately upon arrival. At the same time, Mina has a strange supernatural experience with someone or something watching her.
Mina has a locket with an image of a loved one in both games, the shared options being Jonathan, Lucy, and her parents.

If it’s just coincidence, I totally get it. But I think it’s important to note that as it could give readers familiar with both demos the wrong impression.

midnytegoddess · 2024-11-15T19:58:34.282Z

I see the resemblance between the demo Wilhelmina and this one, but I am still super excited for this wip. I missed the other demo since I read it and this is a good revamping of it. I really enjoyed it and thought it was well written. I look forward to the continuation of it. But I request save slots. Makes playing easier as the story gets longer. So I figured I’d ask while the demo was smaller.

Doriana-Gray · 2024-11-15T20:22:30.363Z

Anything adaptation based will surely bring comparisons, but once the story gets further along the differences will become all the more clear.

@Printesa_Carmilla can I ask, would you say you take inspiration from any source more than others? The original book, any particular movie, etc? Any favourites?

Lonily · 2024-11-15T20:54:33.128Z

This is gorgeous. Who would’ve thought hating your fiance could be written so emotionally. I am so ready to see the development in their relationships

CaesarCzech · 2024-11-15T20:57:53.475Z

You have improperly set gender variable in Jonathan letter.

here excerpt
" They call her Dracula, this monster who inhabits these Carpathian peaks.

I have glimpsed her true face, Eleanor, the hunger in her eyes, the predatory gleam of a wolf eyeing it prey. And that prey my love, is you.

She knows of you, Ellie. He has spoken your name with a venom in her tone."

RedRoses · 2024-11-15T21:25:41.432Z

I don’t mean to come across as nitpicking or rude, but I wanted to share the similarities that I think could cause some confusion and could even lead to false accusations of plagiarism. I’m not trying to do any sort of “gotcha” thing here, just pointing out where it can cause some concern.

Printesa_Carmilla:

Well there is a storm raging outside and the driver is going at full speed which I think it is not in the old demo. This was me trying to get the vibe of J in the movie when he was vising the castle.

Also in most books and movies Mina goes to visit her which is not smth new.

You’re right that it is not something new, but starting the story in the middle of the ride to her can be. And doing so does immediately invite comparison to the other work, which unfortunately will be happening no matter what here. If the only difference between your opening is that one has a storm and one doesn’t, they are still similar.

Printesa_Carmilla:

Well this is a great point to establish the rel early which cannot be done later cuz you already meet them soon after.

It’s easy to say it’s a good way to establish story, but that doesn’t change that the opening is still basically the same here. I think if someone read both stories they could immediately notice the similarities there.

Printesa_Carmilla:

Sorry I don’t understand why that matters? No one owns the Ip and the reason I thought they would make good gs ros cuz it can work.

I bring it up because it’s one of the other ways that the stories are close. They definitely do make good romances, but the decision to make both characters gender swappable and also open your demo with the same focus on selecting Dracula’s gender immediately is the same thing that Fidere chose to do, and I worry that that will invite more people acknowledging the similarities of the opening. I’m not trying to say that this is a bad decision or not, just pointing it out alongside the other concerns.

Printesa_Carmilla:

It is well known how Lucy loves Mina. She did come out in the rain and didnt even care. All she wanted was to meet Mina. Not making her hug Mina would have been a strange choice

Also that was a great place to put D there cuz if it wasnt the scene would have been boring

I’m sorry, but I’m feeling as though you are misunderstanding me here. I am not arguing over whether or not these are good narrative choices–I am pointing out that you made the same narrative choices using the same characters and the same opening as another person’s demo. I don’t think it’s possible to pretend that the scenes are recognizably different from one another.

Printesa_Carmilla:

Fair for that one. This might be more on the memory and I don’t remember how it was done in the other demo.

I don’t want to know if you have or haven’t read the demo in the past, but I definitely do think it’s a good idea not to read it now! I myself try to avoid WIPs that I feel are too similar to ideas I hope to pursue, so I understand where you are coming from there. But if you have read the demo before, then it is possible that it’s subconsciously influencing your writing and I just think you should consider that possibility. That is all.

Your planned future chapters sound very interesting and I do look forward to seeing them. I like your writing style and I think you have a knack for good prose.

Printesa_Carmilla · 2024-11-15T22:03:44.172Z

Hey ppl sorry to say this but am not sure how to say this.

The thing is no matter what I do it and no matter how the other chapters seem nothing alike there will always be ppl who will keep pointing out how some stuff is close to the other demo. Which I dont blame them.

So idunno rn. I really don’t want any drama. I just wanted to share a story that I liked.

Will I keep working on it in private for my friends? Yes. Will I post it here? I dunno. Am not sure anymore. Imma see.

Love yall and ty hella much and sorry for all the ppl who liked it.

midnytegoddess · 2024-11-15T22:16:12.288Z

@Printesa_Carmilla I really hope you continue on this platform regardless of the people pointing out the similarities. It is really good and I am dying to see the rest, so please consider staying pretty please

RedRoses · 2024-11-15T22:30:32.487Z

I have only tried to point out that there are similarities that you should be made aware of so that you are prepared in case people try to accuse you of maliciousness. It was not intended to tell you how to write your story or how to proceed, but to make sure you know of it and are ready when someone brings it up. It doesn’t need to be “drama” or discouragement, and if I came across as trying to cause that then I do apologize. I do not want someone I think has talent to believe that I do not want them to write.

Your WIP is well-written, and it sounds as though you have a solid plan to go forward that you believe will help your WIP stand out on its own merits. I hope one day to read it. I just felt that it was important to address this before someone with ill intentions tried to do so instead.

kb12 · 2024-11-15T22:54:52.206Z

Bruh now i cant read it

Im sad…

1hr too late…