The Lawless Ones (Previously "Villains") Completed! (Beta Closed)

nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice
steampunk

#898

id want the new wolf origin to have the mc seem more feral than the old one was.


#899

@Avery_Moore
Repeated text found in chapter 1.

At the first page of chapter 1.

You know there must be stars somewhere, hidden behind those clouds of poison, but the city has stolen such sights from you, just as it stole your final chance at life.
So here you lay, another street child, alone and unloved. Bruised and beaten in the gutter without a soul to mourn your loss.

After the first choice in chapter 1.

You’re too weak to stand. Too weak to live. It’s over.
So here you lay, another street child, alone and unloved. Bruised and beaten in the gutter without a soul to mourn your loss.

In the village origin. In the choice: “We could use some meat on the table and I’m a pretty good shot with my father’s old crossbow pistol. We’re having rabbit stew tonight!”

would almost certainly cause her kittens to perish, meaningless

Meaning less


#900

Whoops! I didn’t even notice that. I’ve actually gotten rid of the first choice in the re-write though, so luckily, I don’t need to worry about that. :yum:

Well spotted! :grin:


#901

@Avery_Moore
“Hotshot might talk big, but I can tell he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. I need to show this man that we’re serious.”

As you draw closer, he grabs hold of your wrist and tries to wrestle the pocketknife out of your grip.

pocket knife

In the choice:
“These two know what they’re doing. I’ll just hold back, twiddling the knife in my hands and try to look like I’ve done this before.”

You imagine that thing has the potential to do a lot of damage

Add a full stop to the end of the sentence.

In the choice: “This doesn’t seem to be working. I’ll try and talk the man around. If I slip in a little white lie here and there, I’m sure I can convince him.”

You aught to be thanking us Mr Charlton

Ought


#902

Thank you!!! Kind of feel bad with everybody reporting all these bugs, cause the dialogue might be completely different in the updated version. :yum:


#903

During the character background with the small village, I went hunting for rabbit using a crossbow pistol. As I read the next page, however, I got confused when it said the crossbow weighed 75lb, not realizing it meant the draw weight. I knew what a crossbow was, and I knew what draw weight was, but draw weight hadn’t crossed my mind at the time and I didn’t realize that “crossbow pistol” meant the crossbow was actually really small. The wording made it seem like the crossbow was actually 75lbs heavy, as in a 12 year old kid would likely have great difficulty even lifting the damn thing. Wasn’t until I looked up crossbows again and realized my mistake. Maybe I’m just being silly and I simply wasn’t paying attention, but did anyone else have this issue, or am I alone in my stupidity? :upside_down_face:


#904

Actually, that was an error on my part. I can’t actually remember what it was supposed to say, but it was probably meant to be 7.5lbs. That’d make a lot more sense. :yum:

… Actually I might have been referring to the draw weight. I really can’t remember. :confounded:


#905

Ah, 7.5lbs would make a lot more sense. The imagery I had of a 12 year old child carrying a giant crossbow about their weight just so they could hunt a few rabbits felt hilarious yet way too silly to be realistic. :laughing:


#906

Like my new profile pic?


#907

Afraid the pace is going to be slowing down for awhile again. I am still writing, but my manager is going on holiday for a few weeks, which means I’m going to be working almost every day for the next few weeks, so my word count per day is probably going to be pretty small. :disappointed_relieved:


#908

my mother has suffered the same fate multiple times


#909

Look at the bright side, your manager trust you for such important responsibility :slight_smile:


#910

@Avery_Moore
In chapter 2, when Celeste is giving the MC a tattoo, one section of the text describes Celeste tattooing the MC’s chest, but the rest of the text says the MC feels pain in their shoulder.

“Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit,” she tells you before jabbing the needle into your chest

it’s like a throbbing, burning sensation throughout your entire shoulder

leaving your shoulder completely numb, so you cannot even feel it as she completes the rest of the tattoo.

In chapter 2.

a dagger tattoo has been completed, sketched into the skin just below your left collarbone.

Etched


#911

Oh yeah! Thanks for pointing it out, I think that originally the tattoo was on the character’s shoulder and I changed the location later. :confounded:


#912

How long has the Wolf MC known Ma’am?


#913

You know, I hadn’t actually decided on that. I’ll think about it and specify in the re-write… I’m thinking maybe 5 years, but it would’ve been a very gradually built relationship. Like, she probably just left scraps for them outside the house for a year or so before they actually started to trust her. :yum:


#914

How old was the Peasant MC when his family got butchered, and how long does it take to walk to the city?


#915

how do you plan on handling testing for the rewrite.


#916

12 years old and several days of walking.


#917

Not sure what you mean. :confused: