*Hi! You can call me Maria, it’s my first try at a IF game and I’d appreciate any constructive criticism, it’s still very very short but I plan on writing more, I am still catching on how to use choicescript, please be patient, English is not my first language, so if something sounds wrong please let me know.
Summary
Hi, in this interactive story you play as a vampire spy for the vampire Queen/King, you are the best spy to ever exist, or so I have been told, there are three supernatural factions, the vampires and those under their rule, the werewolves and those under their protection and the witches and their allies, the witches and werewolves decided that the agreement they have between the vampires are not very benefial to them, so, after more than 1,000 years of peace they decided to rebel againt the vampires, fortunately you found about their plans before they could revolt, but to make sure they will submit again your Queen/King sent you to kidnapp the daughet of the High Priestess and the son of the werewolves leader.
RO
Cristian/Catherine Jonhson
Age: They lost count, maybe 400 or 500 years old?
They are the queen/king, C have black hair, black eyes and pale skin, Cristian have short hair and Catherine’s hair get to her hips, they are in love with the MC since the beginning of the game, they have a very relaxed and cocky personality, they’d intrust MC with their lives, is their trust misplaced os not?
Vanessa Cantarino
Age: 150 years old
A old friend or ex-girlfriend of the MC, she is also know as the High Priestess, she have dark skin, curly short brown hair and some appears to be in her mid 30s, she was very bubbly and fliendly, but after something MC did she changed.
Nataniel Collins
Age:28
The werewolve leader’s son, he is a ginger with green eyes and some fleckes, he belives that everything can be solved peacefully, he doesn’t discriminated based on specie, he doesn’t believe that all vampires are bad, will you prove him right or wrong?
A history of spies. It looks interesting, having insider information and having the talent to get it is a great power. And being talented is not for everyone. This looks interesting
So, now that I could access the game, I did try it.
I have hard time giving you an opinion for the time being, since it’s very short. It has issues with grammar and such, but you’d need a native English reader to check that for you, considering these are not only a few little issues, and I’m not one. It doesn’t prevent from understanding what’s happening though, so it’s fine for the time being!
As I said, I like the premises of the story and I’m eager to meet the characters though - as in, truly interact with them.
If I could suggest two little things, it would be to add a list of suggested names and surnames for the players to choose from, instead of forcing them to type something if they don’t want to, and to add saves - though for the time being it’s very short so it isn’t needed yet.
For the RO description you should use the verb conjugation ‘has’ (used for the third person) instead of ‘have’.
Errors and such
I think there are quite a few commas more than necessary in the first part. I’d put a period after “so I have been told”.
“the agreement… is not very beneficial” (I think that is the word you were looking for.)
Also pointed out a few minor typos I think.
I think you could try to get a beta reader, someone to proofread or use some program like Grammarly to correct any minor spelling/grammar mistakes. The premise seems interesting. I’d like to know though, what is your native language?
Also I already like the character Vanessa Cantarino and there’s nothing in the story of her so far. I also suggest you to add character descriptions in the stat page as the story furthers and the characters are actually introduced…
@Mariane_Vitoria_Sous
So I played your game, great concept, now onto a few questions
How exactly did vampires, manage to get control over Werewolves and Witches? Was there a war or was it a peaceful agreement?
Does concept of Hybrids exist in this setting?
Also are humans aware of the existence of supernatural?
How much technologically the world in developed?
Are Vampires immortal in this setting?
Can vampires have biological children in this setting?
Can witches only be females or do warlocks also exist?
Now a few suggestions
Consider adding a change log to the main post to help us keep track of progress
Consider adding a few personality stats to make sure that interaction is different for different types of MCs
Consider building a Codex in stats page to inform about relevant information, like our friends, allies, acquaintances, as well as relevant lore information
Try to establish a timeline, like what year is it now.
In Codex add information about species as well, like average lifespan, abilities, restrictions, etc.
Lastly Best of Luck with the Game.
It looks promising.
Cristian got me in the “they are in love with the MC since the beggining of the game, they have a relaxed and a very cocky personality” damn totally my type.
Haven’t played it yet, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be good.
The game is promising, that’s for sure. Also, I found a few typos and grammatical errors . I’m not sure if someone already pointed them out, but here you go.
I’m kind of confused in this part. Is it supposed to be like this or is it supposed to be “After everything I’ve done for you, you’ll kidnap my daughter?”
Those are the only errors I found, English is my second language so I could be wrong, but I hope it helped somehow.
