This story is SOOO GOOOD!!!
I wanna read more .
This story is SOOO GOOOD!!!
I wanna read more .
Thank you for your answer. Would any other character interest you more than Trouble? I mean, if I do side stories, I’d like to write them for more than one character.
Trouble and Twelve are definitely on the extroverted side of the specter, though they have their moments of silence too. And Zero is definitely a sweetheart. I’m glad you find them enjoyable
Disagreed. I find every answer helpful, since it is easier to write with certain personalities in mind. And I’m always interested in learning about what kind of Captain players want to play as.
I like your Captain very much! Thank you for sharing.
Aw, I’m happy Four’s death had an impact (as morbid as this sounds). I was worried his death was introduced too soon for anyone to care about him.
That does sound like someone you will want around when things go bad.
Awesome! Team captain for the win.
I think I’ve written this somewhere, but I love long answers.
Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. May I ask, what kind of Captain will you be playing as?
the one that find this kind of connection a bit overwhelming . I mean , while it seem like its essential to survival…there is no privacy left anymore .
And I’m wooing B pants off!
Also…your game remind me of a movie I saw…
Its…uh…with Tom cruise . I caught that movie by accident and decided to watch it…and kinda liked it…although the ending didnt make sense to me lol
Your game isn’t futuristic…but the monster…so remind me of this movie .
Phew. That’s good to hear.
Zero does need someone to watch over them. They are such a cinnamon roll.
Probably 'cuz it’s true.
She is usually on the cooking duty, if the need arises. Ten is also pretty decent. The rest can probably make edible food. The emphasise on probably.
Best friends romance can certainly hit right into the core, especially when it is well written.
Me too …
Yelp. I can’t wait to introduce the ???.
Go Team A!
I do want write side stories, but have decided to expand the demo first to let’s say 50k. From then on, everything is possible~
I’m very into this. I like the concept, I like the culture, I like the flow of the narrative. I just like it all, really; moreso, I think it’s inventive and interesting.
How was the demo? What did you like, what could have been done better?
Right now I think it just needs some cleaning up–some expressions are a little off, there are typos, etc, but that’s all pretty minor stuff. I would like a little more time to sort the team members before getting tossed into the pile of numbers–Four in particular; I mean I felt it when he died (great job!) but still, I’d have liked a little more time with him. And something in the narrative to help me keep them all a little straighter; I found myself flipping back to the character page every time I saw a number because I couldn’t really remember who was who. I’m definitely into the concept of the numbers though.
Was the writing confusing or disjointed at any point? If yes, where?
Honestly the descriptions of the surfs had me doing some mental gymnastics for a minute but I caught up. I’d maybe toss in a few more descriptive sentences every now and then though; it was kind of difficult for me to picture the environment beyond what I read in the original post (and it makes the story feel a little… thicker, I think, to have a bit more grounding detail; makes me feel more set in the world).
What kind of a character would you be interested in playing?
Oh I am here for revenge. I am here for being 100% motivated by this death like I don’t even know the kid well and I’m ready to h u n t these things down. But I do like how many options you gave us re: our reactions to things and people and that you made a point of allowing us to respond the same way, but with different internal motives (telling Raven how we feel about 4’s death, for instance) . I’m always into that; definitely makes the character feel a lot deeper.
Anyway all my rambling to say that I’m definitely going to be keeping up with your WIP! I’m glad you shared it!! Thank you!
nods It is my duty and honor to partake in their protection squad.
Thank goodness, cause I’d probably set the kitchen/camp site on fire
Yep I look forward to it!
Oooh, okay!! I’m as excited for the 50k as I am for the side stories, so take your time!
Also, I see more people like Four and I LOVE THAT YAY
Oh, wow. I’d say I’m struck speechless by your thorough response, but I’m simply lacking the words to react properly. Thank you for such an amazing feedback! Kind and thoughtful comments like this are music for my muse.
Typos are the bane of this story existence. As for the expressions - if you came across a particularly weirdly worded sentence/phrase, please let me know. I know I have a tendency to sometimes string together words that make no sense.
I was struggling with this myself. No matter how I spin the beginning, the reader will be always thrown into a group of thirteen unknown people, whose names just happen to be numbers. I am, however, thinking of adding a scene of what happened before the nightfall, so the player can at least interact once with the whole team before the monsters happen.
As for establishing who is who, would additional visual clues help? Maybe something else?
I can relate. I’ll rewrite this in the next update
This is also a good suggestion. Is there any specific part you felt that was particularly lacking in this department?
Well, if you are that motivated by Four’s death I’d say this is a job well done. I am glad that people are able to feel for Four, despite not really knowing him.
Honestly, I took a page out of Fallen Hero (just wasn’t sure if I had pulled it off correctly). I will make a point to include similar actions in the future.
And thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It means a lot.
@LauraSikdar I’m amazed every time someone mentions Four’s death has made them feel. It’s the best.
One sighs. “You are lucky our Captain is so tolerant.”
“More working, less talking boys,” Three says from her batch of soil, one of her signature dagger sticking from the ground.
Two, kneeling a few meters away, wordlessly conveys his approval of Three’s words, scrapping with his knife for fallen seeds in the undergrowth.
“Such a merry bunch. You should definitely come around more often to lighten up this place, Cap. Or else we will be forever known as the dreary part of Team A, considering the stormy inclinations of my companions.” Four’s cheerful tone betrays him.
I’m so glad it was helpful!!
if you came across a particularly weirdly worded sentence/phrase, please let me know. I know I have a tendency to sometimes string together words that make no sense.
I always knew what you were going for, don’t worry! I didn’t find anything that made me stop and think “that doesn’t make sense,” just phrases that were off by a word or two, but I’m definitely planning on playing through it again so I’ll make of pointing [[[[[oh my god see I did it myself!! *a point ]]]]] of noting them down.
As for establishing who is who, would additional visual clues help? Maybe something else?
I do think that would help, but since there are so many of them I don’t know that I’d rely on it overmuch; I just worry that you’d end up with the same problem, but rather than trying to keep up with the numbers, readers might be thinking “ok wait, which one was the blonde?” etc. But I think a few notable features would help. I also really liked when you specified who was feeling what, how their “light” was behaving, etc. That sort of internal dialogue worked really well (and made me feel closer to them, even when it wasn’t anything monumental). Even if I couldn’t pinpoint which person matched their codex description, I could remember who felt a certain way, who reacted a certain way, etc.
Is there any specific part you felt that was particularly lacking in this department?
I felt a little lost inside Homeland; when I scrolled through and saw the model, it made sense to me but just the narrative didn’t make the “flow” of the layout as obvious. I also had a hard time figuring out what sort of ambiance I was in: is the market supposed to be a vibrant, lively place full of people and vendors and the noise of commerce; is it a very textural city with lots of decor and adornment in the architecture; is it a very sterile environment with clean and clear lines of movement and behavior; is it very dark or are there fires, lampposts, etc, what kind of light is it (yellow, white, blue, etc)? I just think a few of those sorts of details would give me a better view of not just the physical environment but also of the culture and the people and how they are surviving in this place.
Thank you! Off phrases are incredibly easy to make and my habit of writing directly into the CSIDE isn’t exactly helping a second pair of eyes can do a load of good.
These are both very insightful, thank you. On my own it is quite difficult to pinpoint what works and what doesn’t, so this will come in handy.
I still get lost when thinking about Homeland and I’m the one that created it …
I’m jolting down all of these points to keep them in mind while writing. Having guidelines as to what should be included in the description will be helpful. Thanks!
Welp, this has taken way longer to update than predicted. Here’s the link.
Wordcount: 16k words (code excluded)
What is new? The first mission has gotten expanded with some extra dialogues and actions. You can also choose your weapon (the weaponry selection is not fixed yet!). Let me know, if there’s any weapon you would particularly like to see in the game. Trident is one such example.
Thank you for your patience!
In the first choice presented, I feel like it’d be better to title the first option “Recall the briefing”, not “Remember the briefing”, just a small nitpick
I probably missed most of discussion, but are there any guns in game’s world? I think guns would be far more effective against prowlers.
It was cool to know our team members, though I still can’t tell who is who, except for Twelve. Hope I won’t fail some important choice because of that in future.
@L0G1C It does sound better! Thanks for the tip.
@Langre Actually, I think we haven’t talked about weapons at all, so this is a very good question
As it stands guns, cannons, bombs, grenades and the likes no longer exist in the world. The Society isn’t exactly the peak of technological advancements. Any fancy items they own (surfs for example) belong to the previous civilizations. I’ll probably put together a more thorough explanation on the subject.
That seems to be a reacquiring challenge, but you shouldn’t worry. Out of your twelve hunters, two are key players. Knowing with absolute certainty who is who isn’t the deciding factor; it’s how you treat them (both as a team and on an individual level).
In fact, I think the Captain at the beginning of the story doesn’t really know all that much about their team members because A likes to keep professional distance. This will hopefully allow you to decide, how will you interact with whom.
If anyone has played Danganronpa - I will probably include similar events to the so called free time in Danganronpa, where you can pick someone to spend time with.
Do they have any physical traits that we can know in order to identify each one? ( their hair, scars etc)
Also, I don’t know why I’m starting to think more highly of B, did you change any of her dialogue? If not, then I guess she’s grown on me a bit
Great work @kirakana here are some typos:
@Logan3000x I have a general idea what different members look like, so adding some physical descriptions (which the game is currently lacking) could work. Hm.
@L0G1C Nope, scenes with B were unchanged Making people like them seems to be B’s specialty, since this captain is surprisingly popular.
@VainCorsair Thank you both for the compliments AND for the typos. I don’t know what I would do without readers like you.
And @CopperCaravan I’ve tried following your advice on adding details to the descriptions. I’ll probably need to expand on the Homeland part, but hopefully at least some things are clearer now
Just read through the additions to the first mission, and I liked them a lot! This game is so original… kinda makes me feel like I’m living in a post-apocalyptic ant colony
One question for you, though (apologies if you’ve answered before): Did the prowlers used to be human? I’m getting a real Eloi – Morlock vibe, if that makes sense.
Oh, and I found a typo that doesn’t appear to have been caught yet:
"My apologises for making you wait, Captain," the chancellor continues.
Should be “apologies,” I believe?
That’s … an apt description. or should I say ant
Imagine the new story synopsis: “You live in a post-apocalyptic colony, where people might and might not be worming through your head. Did I mention you are basically an ant? No? Well, you are. Are you interested in reading yet?”
Biologically wise, Prowlers are closer to animals. The radiation that happened in the aftermath of the war triggered different mutations in animal species and evolution basically went haywire. Factor in new (and exceptionally harsh) living conditions, and you get Prowlers. Everything else died along the way. That said I am no biologist, thus the plausibility of this theory has yet to be confirmed.
Never heard of this before. Went to check and boy, are those monsters pretty. I can see the resemblance. Lost family maybe?
Joking aside, Prowlers don’t necessarily stand on two feet. The majority of them is probably prowling around on all fours (or more legs, who knows).
It is now, thank you
Oh! What if some different species evolved so that there are different types of prowlers? That would make more sense from an ecological sense and frankly it would just be more interesting