The Hunter's Sacrifice (tentative title) [17. 6. 18]

science-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice

#101

This story is SOOO GOOOD!!!

I wanna read more .


#102

Thank you for your answer. Would any other character interest you more than Trouble? I mean, if I do side stories, I’d like to write them for more than one character.

Trouble and Twelve are definitely on the extroverted side of the specter, though they have their moments of silence too. And Zero is definitely a sweetheart. I’m glad you find them enjoyable :slight_smile:

Disagreed. I find every answer helpful, since it is easier to write with certain personalities in mind. And I’m always interested in learning about what kind of Captain players want to play as.

I like your Captain very much! Thank you for sharing.

Summary

Aw, I’m happy Four’s death had an impact (as morbid as this sounds). I was worried his death was introduced too soon for anyone to care about him.

That does sound like someone you will want around when things go bad.

Awesome! Team captain for the win.

I think I’ve written this somewhere, but I love long answers.

Thank you :slight_smile:

Thank you! I’m glad you liked it. May I ask, what kind of Captain will you be playing as?


#103

the one that find this kind of connection a bit overwhelming . I mean , while it seem like its essential to survival…there is no privacy left anymore .

And I’m wooing B pants off! :smiley:

Also…your game remind me of a movie I saw…

Its…uh…with Tom cruise . I caught that movie by accident and decided to watch it…and kinda liked it…although the ending didnt make sense to me lol

This one : https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1631867/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_8

Your game isn’t futuristic…but the monster…so remind me of this movie .


#104

Phew. That’s good to hear.

Can I just be reacting to your reactions?

Zero does need someone to watch over them. They are such a cinnamon roll.

Probably 'cuz it’s true.

She is usually on the cooking duty, if the need arises. Ten is also pretty decent. The rest can probably make edible food. The emphasise on probably.

Best friends romance can certainly hit right into the core, especially when it is well written.

Me too …

Yelp. I can’t wait to introduce the ???.

Go Team A!

I do want write side stories, but have decided to expand the demo first to let’s say 50k. From then on, everything is possible~


#105

I’m very into this. I like the concept, I like the culture, I like the flow of the narrative. I just like it all, really; moreso, I think it’s inventive and interesting.

  • How was the demo? What did you like, what could have been done better?
    Right now I think it just needs some cleaning up–some expressions are a little off, there are typos, etc, but that’s all pretty minor stuff. I would like a little more time to sort the team members before getting tossed into the pile of numbers–Four in particular; I mean I felt it when he died (great job!) but still, I’d have liked a little more time with him. And something in the narrative to help me keep them all a little straighter; I found myself flipping back to the character page every time I saw a number because I couldn’t really remember who was who. I’m definitely into the concept of the numbers though.

  • Was the writing confusing or disjointed at any point? If yes, where?
    Honestly the descriptions of the surfs had me doing some mental gymnastics for a minute but I caught up. I’d maybe toss in a few more descriptive sentences every now and then though; it was kind of difficult for me to picture the environment beyond what I read in the original post (and it makes the story feel a little… thicker, I think, to have a bit more grounding detail; makes me feel more set in the world).

  • What kind of a character would you be interested in playing?
    Oh I am here for revenge. I am here for being 100% motivated by this death like I don’t even know the kid well and I’m ready to h u n t these things down. But I do like how many options you gave us re: our reactions to things and people and that you made a point of allowing us to respond the same way, but with different internal motives (telling Raven how we feel about 4’s death, for instance) . I’m always into that; definitely makes the character feel a lot deeper.

Anyway all my rambling to say that I’m definitely going to be keeping up with your WIP! I’m glad you shared it!! Thank you!


#106
Yes of course, but this is gonna turn into a cycle of reactions

nods It is my duty and honor to partake in their protection squad.

Unfortunately :smiley:

Thank goodness, cause I’d probably set the kitchen/camp site on fire

Yep :cry: I look forward to it!

Oooh, okay!! I’m as excited for the 50k as I am for the side stories, so take your time! :star_struck:

Also, I see more people like Four and I LOVE THAT YAY


#107

@CopperCaravan

Oh, wow. I’d say I’m struck speechless by your thorough response, but I’m simply lacking the words to react properly. Thank you for such an amazing feedback! Kind and thoughtful comments like this are music for my muse.

Typos are the bane of this story existence. As for the expressions - if you came across a particularly weirdly worded sentence/phrase, please let me know. I know I have a tendency to sometimes string together words that make no sense.

I was struggling with this myself. No matter how I spin the beginning, the reader will be always thrown into a group of thirteen unknown people, whose names just happen to be numbers. I am, however, thinking of adding a scene of what happened before the nightfall, so the player can at least interact once with the whole team before the monsters happen.

As for establishing who is who, would additional visual clues help? Maybe something else?

I can relate. I’ll rewrite this in the next update :slight_smile:

This is also a good suggestion. Is there any specific part you felt that was particularly lacking in this department?

Well, if you are that motivated by Four’s death I’d say this is a job well done. I am glad that people are able to feel for Four, despite not really knowing him.

Honestly, I took a page out of Fallen Hero (just wasn’t sure if I had pulled it off correctly). I will make a point to include similar actions in the future.

And thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It means a lot.

@LauraSikdar I’m amazed every time someone mentions Four’s death has made them feel. It’s the best.

Here's a snippet from one of the possible new scenes in the prologue

One sighs. “You are lucky our Captain is so tolerant.”

“More working, less talking boys,” Three says from her batch of soil, one of her signature dagger sticking from the ground.

Two, kneeling a few meters away, wordlessly conveys his approval of Three’s words, scrapping with his knife for fallen seeds in the undergrowth.

“Such a merry bunch. You should definitely come around more often to lighten up this place, Cap. Or else we will be forever known as the dreary part of Team A, considering the stormy inclinations of my companions.” Four’s cheerful tone betrays him.


#108

I’m so glad it was helpful!!

if you came across a particularly weirdly worded sentence/phrase, please let me know. I know I have a tendency to sometimes string together words that make no sense.

I always knew what you were going for, don’t worry! I didn’t find anything that made me stop and think “that doesn’t make sense,” just phrases that were off by a word or two, but I’m definitely planning on playing through it again so I’ll make of pointing [[[[[oh my god see I did it myself!! :grin:*a point ]]]]] of noting them down.

As for establishing who is who, would additional visual clues help? Maybe something else?

I do think that would help, but since there are so many of them I don’t know that I’d rely on it overmuch; I just worry that you’d end up with the same problem, but rather than trying to keep up with the numbers, readers might be thinking “ok wait, which one was the blonde?” etc. But I think a few notable features would help. I also really liked when you specified who was feeling what, how their “light” was behaving, etc. That sort of internal dialogue worked really well (and made me feel closer to them, even when it wasn’t anything monumental). Even if I couldn’t pinpoint which person matched their codex description, I could remember who felt a certain way, who reacted a certain way, etc.

Is there any specific part you felt that was particularly lacking in this department?

I felt a little lost inside Homeland; when I scrolled through and saw the model, it made sense to me but just the narrative didn’t make the “flow” of the layout as obvious. I also had a hard time figuring out what sort of ambiance I was in: is the market supposed to be a vibrant, lively place full of people and vendors and the noise of commerce; is it a very textural city with lots of decor and adornment in the architecture; is it a very sterile environment with clean and clear lines of movement and behavior; is it very dark or are there fires, lampposts, etc, what kind of light is it (yellow, white, blue, etc)? I just think a few of those sorts of details would give me a better view of not just the physical environment but also of the culture and the people and how they are surviving in this place.


#109

Thank you! Off phrases are incredibly easy to make and my habit of writing directly into the CSIDE isn’t exactly helping :slight_smile: a second pair of eyes can do a load of good.

These are both very insightful, thank you. On my own it is quite difficult to pinpoint what works and what doesn’t, so this will come in handy.

I still get lost when thinking about Homeland and I’m the one that created it …

I’m jolting down all of these points to keep them in mind while writing. Having guidelines as to what should be included in the description will be helpful. Thanks!