The Hidden Sanctum by Dariel Ivalyen (WIP) (Updated: September 28, 2022)

hey, can I ask you something? Just checking your demo and I’m curious. In the Prologue Banner? You got some Goddess (I’m assuming she is) and there is…what is that on the tree? A bird?

Look like a Snail though :face_with_monocle:

@eeny_meeny_miny_moe it’s Congratulation! also, install Grammarly it will help you improve :wink:

Edit: I assumed it was a Tree (Or a branch at least) lol and there is something on top of it…Ohhh ok! Well I saw it as a branch with a Snail or a bird on it! :sweat_smile:

My bad…lol

@Dariel still in the demo, but just a though…when you meet Sephtis? You use a lot of ‘Confused, she leave you more confused’. It just doesn’t fit when you are describing tension that make you shiver, scoot away from her, your heart going boom boom…if anything it would leave you…scared? Not terrified but you know…anxious…worried…nervous…

Just a though!

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Thank you :sob:
Also I think it’s a dog-

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found: Her hair is wperfectly white, and so are her eyebrows, which makes you think that maybe she was born with this color. (just remove the w) (upon meeting the first romance? I picked SHE lol)

Oh man, she is Bossy! be still my heart :rofl:

found: You watch the he hits the purple surface, and just like that, he’s gone. (the he ?)

@Dariel I’m gonna update this reply as I find typos for you, all right? I’m LOVING THIS SO MUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH! May as well report what I find lol

Edit: So I shouldn’t bother?

Also, Sky she is totally channeling Storm! :grin: I don’t know who is the 2nd female romance, but if you base her on Jean gray…I’m doomed :sweat_smile:

Will Do! :+1:

found: “You do not have to protect me from talking about death. I like death, and I am very familiar with it. To be honest, it would be quite lucky if we could see an actual execution while we’re right, would it not?” (while we are here?)

found: “Welcome everyone!” he says, taking a moment to scan the audience with his eyes. "As most of you should know, I am your High Archon. (Should be The High Archon, we don’t know Dumbeldore just yet and as the Dean of a school, you introduce yourself as authority but the ‘Your’ convey familiarity we haven’t reached yet. When Potter and hermiones blow the Obelisk and he forgive us…he can say ‘Your’ lol)

found: First, try to get used to this place. This Sanctum, as well as the rest of the island, will be your home from now on, and it’s best if you learn to love it. Second, make sure you work with your powers. I know some of you haven’t unlocked them just yet, but you will do it soon enough.

(yeah this feels off to me, anyway here is my suggestion:
First, I hope you will get used to this place. This Sanctum, as well as the rest of the island, will be your home from now on, and I’m sure in time you will learn to love it for it offers you safety and everything you will need. Second, make sure to train with your powers. I know some of you like our new arrivals, haven’t unlocked them just yet, but have faith you will soon enough. ‘’) I forgot the last part lol ‘‘Well, then. Good luck!"’ (How about instead, well then, I hope you enjoy your stay with us’')

found: other than your small group and the kids seated next to your (yours?)

found: “Since we’re already here, it’s time to how you’re going to be placed in your rooms.” (Show?)

found: "Sky has his bubbly friend Minjoon, and that leaves us with my wonderful Odyss. (her bubbly, Sky is female to me)

found: “It’s okay to be scared,” you say, patting her on the shoulder. "This is all new to us. I don’t know what powers we’re going to get, but I don’t think we need to worry about it. Just look at Sky. “She quite amazing, even though her power can be very dangerous. You saw how that lightning was able to destroy those mechanical soldiers.” (remove the ‘’ ‘’ also ‘is quite’?)

found: Her vibrant ginger hair is tied in a bun on top of her head, her facial lines are unusually delicate, (deliaccate? )

(pausing here to say something: You spend the next few hours walking around the Sanctum.)

(Okay, 1: My mc run to the 1st class without eating! Where is my food once class is over? 2: We get to choose clothes? But we didn’t put any in the thing. 3: We left the room without Sephtis. Also, I suggest lowering the amount of time you say ‘‘I gotta keep my promise’’ we will, but seriously…we get it. And Odyss? Man he is such an ass…sour putt jerk lol)

found: While the journey isn’t difficult, you do get worried when you find yourselves stood before a tall cliff wall. (stood= standing, also changing for the teacher who change the decor of your room, there too you said stood)

found: “I’d like to stop her for a moment,” Elena says as you reach what can only be described as a stone circle. (her=here)

found: That’s a ridiculous idea. All these ancient gods are most likely not real, and there’s no way they could do something so physical to a human being. Right? Surely, the gods can’t be real. (How can you say that? We saw a Mummie…well our god isn’t, but in this game…that’s a weird thing to say after seeing a mummie lol)

found: Sephtis is still sound asleep, her face perfectly peaceful, and you’re not too happy with the fact that you’ll have to wake her up in just a second. Sephtis is still sound asleep, and surprisingly enough, so is Odyss. They both look very peaceful, and you aren’t too happy with the fact that you’ll have to wake them up. Sadly, there’s no way around that, as the Sun is about to rise, and when it does, you’re supposed to be ready for the trip. (repeated, and I don’t have Odyss in my room. He is with Sky)

found: “I was unable to sleep last night. Too many thoughts, I suppose. Is it to go, yet? Is Mr. Bells already waiting for us?” (missing word- time)

found: You hear another hiss, but this time, it’s awfully close to your left ear. “I cannot be stopped by anything. Your magic can only delay the inevitable. Do you really still not know who I am? Did that pathetic got not tell you where you were going? That’s…quite sad, really.” (got=God)

All right, I think that’s everything, I’m pooped…now I need to replay and do the romances :sweat_smile:

Edit (again): Doing Elena romance first. And 2 things:

1- when I pick (Make you feel warm flirt) it feel like a chunk is missing.

it end with (Aren’t they beautiful?") feel like there should be more…

2- when I pick the 2nd option (she is so beautiful it make you feel shy)…

This here: “Not as beautiful as you,” you tell her with a confident smirk.

What happen to being shy?

Nevermind, I see the issue, you copied shy and another (Smirk? Confident) in the same line. Here look:

“Not as beautiful as you,” you tell her with a confident smirk.

“Why, thank you, Alex,” Elena’s answer is but a whisper, and you see her cheeks grow pink, “but I’m sure it’s just because of the flowers. They’re making you see things in better, brighter colors. Still, thanks again for the compliment.” “Not as beautiful as you,” you tell her with a shy smile.

I mean it’s either shy, or confident. May wanna use confident for the (Warm), and leave shy to shy :wink:

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Changelog
June 26, 2022

  • Uploaded the edited version of the prologue.
  • Edits: Added several new flavor choices.
  • Edits: Got rid of large blocks of text.
  • Edits: Cut over 1500 words to get rid of wordiness.
  • Edits: Moved the sexuality choice further into the story.
  • Edits: Corrected lots of typos.

@pixie124 There are no new powers. I was doing line edits, which means I wasn’t adding new content. I focused on making the text easier to read and absorb. The new choices are about MC’s reactions to things and affect personality stats. And thank you! :yellow_heart:

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hello what does new flavor choices mean does it mean new ways for mcs powers to manifest or something else also congratulations on writing 300k

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Well if what I think it means is essentially flavor text around our choices that make them better if I had to make a guess. :smiley:

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Loved this whole thing! I’m surprised there aren’t more comments because this is very well written and has a lot of replay value. I’m planning on doing a separate replay for each of the powers. I started with the sun because I’m an absolute sucker for gods and deities of all sorts. And Egyptian mythology is a very nice choice because it’s generally either Roman/Greek mythology or Norse mythology.

I started writing this review/comment before the most recent update, so I can now add that the new prologue has a much better flow, those flavour choices gave it a much more fleshed out, classical “choose your own adventure” (emphasis on choose) type of feeling.

There are however two places where I feel like the story doesn’t make as much sense as it could, but they are honestly minor scruples.

Firstly, when we first spend an afternoon with Marco, and go visit the old temple. If the MC chose to approach either of the altars, and felt the power of the respective god, then the later choices (after Marco touches the well kept altar) - “tell him you didn’t hear anything” and “tell him he was just hearing things” are worded a bit weirdly. MC herself just minutes before gasped out the name of the respective god, so her saying “are you high? You don’t sound like a sane person” without acknowledging that she literally just had the same experience strikes me as a bit off. Maybe something like “are you high? You don’t sound like a sane person” while thinking “the incense fumes must be getting to me too”?

The other one is when talking with Sky after we’ve unlocked our powers and have exited the cave. My character was absolutely pissed at Sky for collapsing the cave entrance. It’s an age old tradition for students of magical powers (can I just say xianxia) to sit still in old caves for a veeeeery long time to reach breakthroughs in their powers! Collapsing the cave entrance was just rude and unnecessary, so it was incredibly satisfying to just walk away from the cave entrance without deigning Sky worthy of an actual response. I’ve rarely selected a choice with so much glee in my heart. However, after MC has unlocked their power, they seemingly forget all about their previous feelings. They excitedly tell Sky about their very personal journey and they even give him a “warm smile”. It really threw me for a loop. I was expecting something along the lines of the options that were available after the pancake joke (after MC takes the portal from the field trip from hell and almost falls to her death). But! I just want to be clear that I like Sky collapsing the entrance and obviously the dialogue after we’ve exited the cave is necessary! It’s just the “flavour choice” of still being angry/forgiving Sky/etc. that feels like it’s missing.

But those are pretty minor things. The rest was very interesting to read. There are a LOT of plot lines that I’m looking forward to seeing develop. Who are the two whispering students who snuck by MC’s doors? Who is mummy? Is it Ra’s student? Does the High Archeon even exist? Why hasn’t he shown up in the flesh yet? What strings is he pulling to keep Ra’s student from reappearing and taking his rightful place? Who were those students who entered the forbidden temple? Why was Ra’s altar desecrated? What is up with the storms? Who was that skinwalker who impersonated the theatre teacher and later Minjoon? Why isn’t Minjoon showing his power of sound in public? He… does have power of sound, right? Is Odyss depressed? Is him “cheating Death” somehow connected to a suicide attempt?
And more.

Taking about Ra - I adore him. He feels like a proper god. A little bit capricious, prideful, intelligent, imperial. <3 septhis is a doll as well. I would kill for her without hesitation. And despite Sky trying to bury MC alive under a pile of rocks (I might be a bit salty about that still) he feels very fleshed out and I’m very interested in finding out more about him and his powers.

TLDR: I loved it, thanks for writing this and sharing it with us! :heart:

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Minjoon has the power connected blood if i remember correctly

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@pixie124 Ah, I haven’t done a run with the sound power yet, it probably comes up there. And if not, then it’s time to aggressive befriend Minjoon and try to find it out that way haha. Thanks!

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no problem also sorry if i spoiled it for you

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Thank you! And not just for this passage, but for the whole comment. I just wanted to point out that I’m glad you liked the edited version of the prologue. I also feel like cutting down on the sheer amount of words made things better. I suppose less really is more. :smile:

Thanks for pointing these out. I actually agree with your observations, and I’ll make sure to fix these issues as soon as my editing process takes me there.

Also, thanks for asking questions. It’s really helpful to know what things people are excited to learn more about! It’ll definitely help me guide the story.

Minjoon tells you about his power after Mr. Bells’ death. I think it might be when you go to confront him in the following chapter. There might be a relationship check required, too. I’ll just check. Found it! You need to pick the romantic option when you go to confront him. In all other instances, his power will be revealed at a much later point in the story.

As for Odyss, yeah, he’s depressed. There’s actually a Twine short story (Patreon) that lets you play as Sky and learn what happened when they ran into Odyss. It will also be discussed later in the game, so you don’t need to read it.

By the way, if you like Ra and Egypt, you might enjoy my first game. It’s called Temple of Endless Night, and there’s a link in the main post! :innocent:

Thank you for giving me all this feedback! :yellow_heart:

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Progress Update
I’ve just finished working on Chapter 8, and you can play it now in the Alpha Build. Chapter 8 has already been line-edited, though there might be some extra changes in the future. The chapter ended up being ca. 30.200 words long, and it gives you new path scenes.

This also means we only have two chapters left! Chapter 9 should take me about a month, and Chapter 10 about three weeks, but these are just my estimates. We all know what can happen to those…

When I’m done with the draft, I’ll need to line edit the rest of the game (Chapters 2-7). If you’re thinking about the other chapters, let me explain. The prologue is already edited, and I’m currently editing Ch.1. I’m also editing my current writing as I go (the next day), and I’ve noticed that I should have been doing so from the start.

Well, I’ll know better for the next project!

As for Patreon, there’s a new lore post about blood magic, and there’ll be a new Twine side story coming at the end of next week.

I think that’s all for now. Hope you have a great weekend! :yellow_heart:


Progress Update
I’m back with a tiny update. I’ve just finished and uploaded the first part of Chapter 9. As always, you can check it out in the Alpha Build (on Patreon).

The game has also just reached 340.000 words, which means we have less than 60.000 left!

The first draft of the whole game should be ready by the third week of September. :yellow_heart:

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Progress Update
I just finished working on Chapter 9, and you can play it now in the Alpha Build (on Patreon). As you can likely tell, this means we only have one chapter left until the end of the game. Well, until the end of this book, but you can think of it as the end of the game because there’ll be a sense of resolution at the end.

The war with the Legion won’t be over, but the main conflict your MC was involved in will be resolved. I hope that won’t count as a major cliffhanger.

The word count is currently at 364k, which is about 134k words per playthrough.

I should be able to finish the last chapter in about three weeks. After that, I’ll need to edit the whole thing, and when I’m done with that, I’ll announce the closed beta in this thread!

I hope you’re as excited as I am! :yellow_heart:

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wow, this was a fun story, I can’t wait for more.

Keep up the hard work!

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Progress Update
Just a tiny bit of an update this time. I have less than 10.000 words left to write!

If things go well, I should be able to finish the draft by the end of next week. Then, I’ll be able to focus on editing (which also means updates to this demo version). I don’t know how long the editing process will take, but I hope it won’t be more than three weeks.

Chapters 0 and 8-10, as well as about 60% of Chapter 1 are already edited, so I just need to work on the rest.


@Aethelric Thank you for your warm words! I’m glad you enjoyed the story. :yellow_heart:

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Sometimes good things come in small packages so I appreciate the update as tiny as it may be

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Progress Update
Major news today. I’ve just finished working on the first draft (details in the main post under ‘progress’). The story is complete, and I can now fully focus on editing. The editing process will probably take between 4 and 6 weeks. I’ll be trying to edit as much as possible, but I’d rather not set unrealistic goals.

The whole game is available on my Patreon right now, and so are the achievements. I’ve added many new ones today, and there are overall 25 of them now. Most of them should be pretty easy to get, but some may be a bit more difficult. 5 out of 6 romances have achievements!

Btw, Minjoon’s romance is fully available now. It happens a bit later, but it’s already present in the AB.

The game ended up being 383k words long (tests say it’s about 142k per playthrough), which is almost twice as much as Temple of Endless Night. This also means twice as much editing… But it’s fineee. :yellow_heart:

Oh, one other thing! The closed beta will begin as soon as I finish editing!

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Changelog
September 10, 2022

  • Added a revised version of Chapter 1.
  • Edits: Added several new flavor choices.
  • Edits: Got rid of large blocks of text by cutting over 2300 words. This should also make dialogues feel much more natural, as I ended up revising the whole chapter line by line.
  • Edits: Introduced many of the changes suggested by @E_RedMark and @Cerununnos.
  • Edits: Corrected countless typos.
  • Added achievements (25 in total).
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Changelog
September 22, 2022

  • Added a revised version of Chapter 2.
  • Edits: Added a new choice right after you leave the cave and find Sky. You can now react to what they did to your character earlier in the chapter.
  • Edits: Cut over 5000 words, mostly by rewriting already existing paragraphs and making the dialogues less descriptive. They should feel more natural now.
  • Edits: Corrected countless typos.
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Thanks it felt like something was missing on chapter 2. I can finally give sky a piece of my mind after what they did.

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