Oof, I love me some magical world ending rituals and loosing my arm to lich dragons, so count me in!!
I have a nitpick though, for the last page of the demo, when you choose “touch the bloody runes on the stump”
There’s a lot of repetition of the word “pain”, sometimes twice in a sentense. Blame it of literature teachers hammering in my head the importance of not repeating words, but I just find the narration flow kind of hitching there -does this explanation make any sense?-
You could try -if you want- to use actions, like the ones you already have to show us the emotion, rather than naming it.
“You scream, but nothing you seem to do eases the pain. The pain spreads up from your hand and your arm until you collapse on the ground, writhing in pain.”
you could play with the sentenses so that they flow a little better, like:
“You scream, but nothing you seem to do eases the pain. The sensation spreads up from your hand and your arm until you collapse on the ground, writhing.”
You have already told us what we are feeling and are very descriptive, so trust your imagery to convey the rest.
Sorry for going into teacher mode, feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t work for you.
I really look forward to reading more, this prologue was a rollercoaster for me, in the best way possible!