I restarted the game and errors were fixed
May I know how old Mc in this?
Regarding the guy’s eyes being pulled out, would it be possible to choose the MC’s reaction, rather than it just being an apathetic “huh”? Things like “I meant it as a joke!” or “Cool!” (Although to be fair, my MC would probably be thinking both of those… )
- “What?” I say out loud.
- “You’re sure?” I ask him.
- Try and see if you can sense him too.
- “There’s no way.”
Could there be an option to believe Excess without question?
More minor stuff.
There’s two of them: the one with the blue eyes an older woman with sharp cheekbones and her thin lips pulled into a deep set scowl. The woman beside her is younger, green eyes narrowed in a friendly way, thin smile pulled tight over her face.
This isn’t quite grammatically right. I would suggest taking out the colon and leaving it as three sentences:
There’s two of them. The one with the blue eyes is an older woman with sharp cheekbones and her thin lips pulled into a deep set scowl. The woman beside her is younger, green eyes narrowed in a friendly way, thin smile pulled tight over her face.
I’d also suggest adding an “is” to the second sentence; I think you could get away with skipping it, but it reads better with.
“What bet did you loose to get this job?” I ask her.
Should be “lose”.
There was one survivor of Carmine’s attack, a particular sister who she held in high esteem.
At this point, I’d expect a little more detail about Sister Cyra; I know there’s some more a couple of pages later, but it feels a little odd to just have this line on its own here.
A horn can be heard in the distance, a cloud of steam hanging in the air - the train, I realize.
It seems odd that my MC is wondering what the train looks like, and then it’s not described when it turns up. (Or was it specifically what the crash would look like? )
Wasn’t Cyra described as looking older than the other sisters? And yet this implies that she was “young and reckless” under a decade ago… Or is it that she looks older than the rest despite actually being quite young still?
“he still has the wards on her - can he even use magic yet?” One of them whispers, and the other barks at him to shut up.
Couple of pronoun errors here. Note that if you need to capitalise the first letter of a variable you can do it like:
With that he slams the door shut, the sound of him yelling carrying through the metal.
Should be “his yelling”.
There are a few issues with speech being part of a longer sentence, e.g.
“There’s still another stop we have to make.” I remind him, and he hums.
“Do you mind me asking what you remember about Ehrenreich from that series?” He asks.
In both cases, the non-spoken part is still part of the same sentence, so it shouldn’t start with a capital (except if it’s I or a proper noun, obviously), and the speech shouldn’t end in a full stop/period (a question mark or exclamation mark is fine, though). So these two lines should be:
“There’s still another stop we have to make,” I remind him, and he hums.
“Do you mind me asking what you remember about Ehrenreich from that series?” he asks.
(There are more, but I don’t think I can list them all.)
I hear Excess grown,
Should be “groan”.
“Do you know about the creatures used in the training and teaching of students.” I ask him, and he nods.
Should have a question mark after “students”.
they’re insatiable, kills any and everything in range. As a result they’ve been blinded, but they hunt by sight and sound.
Should be “kill”. Also, the second sentence doesn’t really make that much sense unless the Izueyzos were blinded on purpose to make them better at killing, which seems counterintuitive. Presumably they were either blinded as an unintended side effect, or as an intentional limit to their power, but either would require more explanation than what’s given.
“He doesn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that you’re blood elf either.”
I think this should be “a blood elf”, although I imagine this might depend on the species chosen.
“He only got to be brooding in the last few books,”
Should end in a full stop/period or have an “I think” or equivalent after the quotation marks.
The dark grey fabric is the same as my shorts , held closed by a simple ribbon and button clasp.
Shouldn’t have a space after “shorts”; I assume this is a result of a gender-variable choice, but any space or line break after a word will become a space in the text.
Should have a closing quotation mark.
The book had no mention of him being crafty
“Crafty” would generally mean “sneaky” or “cunning” rather than “good at constructing things”…
with trembling Leon knelt at his side and smoothed them down
“…with a trembling hand…”?
While I wanted to spare Astasus the suffering he experience in the book,
I’m not entirely sure what the case of this should be, probably “he experienced”.
my eyes taking a moment to adjust to the dim candle light hung from the ceiling and decorating various tables around us.
The way the rest of the sentence is structured, it should be “light from candles” rather than “candle light”.
The blood is still fresh as I drag my palms across my face, smearing the blood as best as I can. It takes a moment, but when I look in the mirror again it looks like I’ve been brutalized and I nod - mission accomplished.
I’m disappointed that there’s no flavour text here for blood elves…
It’s not like anyone else is here, aside from Excess.
Head back out the wardens turn immediately to face us.
Should be something like “As we head…” or “When we head…”
I’m as familiar with the lieutannt as one can be
Should be “lieutenant”.
Yeah, I don’t think CS is the best medium to include randomness in. Randomness works best in situations where it will come up a lot, so it can even out the good with the bad, but CS is designed to have a far less repetitive and structured nature, so randomness can wreck a game, especially if it’s mainly used for pass/fail checks.
I never leave comments, but I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this update. The scene where you can let the revenant pop that guy’s eyeballs out… When i said “sure” I wasn’t expecting it to actually happen. It made me laugh out loud, like, really hard. Thank you for that one, and also thank you for your hard work in general. This is definitely one of my top favourite WIPs! :^)
I thought the coMMENT ABOUT EYEBALLS WAS A JOKE?!?!?!?!? I FEEL SO GUILTY
Edit: If it’s not too much trouble, would it be possible for you to add a few extra save slots? No worries if you’d rather not!!
I love these characters. I hope to see the original Carmine again, erasing that sweet little imouto from existence just to take her place is too much.
A very interesting idea! Really looking forward to read more of this!
Oh ho ho, didn’t see there was a update. Gonna replay real quick, super exited since this is one of my favorite wip’s at the moment.
I’ll put out a review on the new stuff once I get done.
I mean … we are the villains, don’t feel bad about doing villain things, in fact I remember telling the overwarden that I would like to see him die and I spread my blood all over my face like the joker
Tried it after the update. Genuinely appreciate how much of a little shit we can be. “At least buy me a dinner first” ye? Heh.
Also thanks for the option of 'I wanted to help boy AND piss off the warden", picking only one of those would’ve been incomplete.
“I would say the same but it’ll imply it’s a pleasure to meet you” , lol. Though, right now I struggle a bit due to playing kind person that’s also vocally a sarcastic piece of shit to bad people. Makes my stats jump back and forth.
So I’ve carefully scoured around to make sure whether this has been asked yet so I’m not repeating what other’s have asked, but a thought occurred to me, and now I’d like to know; the Xidhe are essentially humans with cat features such as the ears, tails and elliptical slit pupils. Do they also have different coat types on their cat ears/tails? By that, I mean short hair, long hair, maybe an odd shagginess where there’s a blend of both? That’s it, essentially. That’s the question; does the Xidhe!MC have a choice later for how floof they are? Good grief, I do not want to think about nasty things like sticker bushes in conjunction…
Though not offered in the initial customization scene for the MC, I gather that it is possible for members of the Xidhe species to have tabby patterns, or calico patches since I made a point to double-check the blog for an answer to this question, but I do note that a Xidhe!MC with a “long hair” fur type would have a very fluffy tail, and poofy ears, too–for some cases–which would look very odd un-shaved next to their fully shaved scalp, but then… If the MC kicks up a fuss during that scene…
Good thing other people were thinking along the same lines in their asks over on your blog, or I’d feel like I was overthinking it! Also, very much looking forward to having my x!MC hissing at someone annoying, or randomly purring when someone scratches behind his ears.
Meanwhile, I’m still low-key wishing for the MC to be able to ask the Revenant to regrow their hair
Though I think it’s more of a buzz-cut or some sort of military cut rather than being fully bald, no?
Unless I misunderstood.
It is more of a roughly done buzz, but I don’t know how she would have trimmed the ears without outright shaving them, which I believe was described with the loud “scraping buzzing” sound description during the scene. Even if the MC chooses to be placid, for some reason the old nun can’t be bothered to do the job well, or nicely.
Cat ears are ridiculously sensitive, in more ways than one. As much as I imagine my boy with more of a short hair’s velvety quality to his ears, they’d be nothing but bald if the fur was removed. It’s a damn good thing the tail was left alone, though; that would’ve been the last straw to his patience.
My MC is veeeeery placid usually, and the kind to bottle in his anger, but he was a screeching demon during that scene